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Found 2 results

  1. the unkown letter

    Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be. i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there. im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.
  2. SERIOUSLY, REALLY??!!

    as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my little girl sit there and wonder did i ever get to be as content as she is as a child. i dont remember even being cared about outside the relationship my brother and i had. and being loved was not in the cards with my mother. i ask myself what or who i would be if i didnt go through the events-traumas that i had to go through. then i realize that those events have helped mold me into the person i am becoming today. so would i change it.. hmm that one is tricky. i guess its kind of 50/50. i wish nothing happened especially the first time with my mother. however that is the single most painful trauma i had to face, but it taught me the kind of mother i wanted to be and learned then and there what being a parent is not. i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting. well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.
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