Here We Go Again!

[BFH0911]

Ok so here goes...first proper post!

Having a shit week. Had a trigger about a week ago thats started things off in my head again. Brief story...I was abused by an older boy in my neighbourhood when I was a kid..it wasnt violent and it wasnt actual "rape" but after many many years of denial and silence before speaking out and months of counselling I can now say that it WAS sexual abuse. The trouble is I keep comparing what happened to me with the other horror stories out there and keep telling myself what happened to me was nothing and i am overreacting! Every time I get comfortable (if thats the right word) with accepting what happened and giving myself some credit for picking myself up and getting on with things after a terrible time recently, I turn on myself! I feel like a complete fraud and feel disgusted with myself for even daring to compare myself with others. This site is like a double edged sword for me...I have seen comments and thoughts that mirror exactly how im feeling and I feel sooo relieved its not just me.....but then I constantly tell myself shut up stop moaning and get on with it. Cant get things out of my head this week...sorry for ranting....been on here every half hour today trying to get the courage to post sonething and then logging out!!! Oh well just press post and its too late to chicken out eh!!!!

[guessangelina]

Sounds like you are having a bad week...one of the things you left out which is pretty important- how old were you at the time of the older boy abusing you..interesting you were able to state it was "abuse"- and indeed, it clearly was! Abuse does not have to be "violent"...course, how is one defining "violence"? Perpetrators always, and I emphasize always put the blame on the victim! You also cannot compare your pain with another's pain. It was your experience..and it is your pain! During the days ahead, with the love and support of others- you will learn the best way to not allow the perpetrator to have control over your life is for you to go forward and be happy! By being happy, he has lost! You may have to start every single day with that in mind- but that is ok...for you have it in you to be the survivor that you are!

Guessangelina

[BFH0911]

Hi Guessangelina. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. I guess I was about 7 when it happened. I spent my whole life in silence telling myself it was nothing or that it was my fault and even when I spoke out at what had happened I still didnt see it for what it was, kept making excuses for the boy and kept all the blame to myself. It took months of therapy for me to see that this wasnt the case and that it was wrong.and accept it for what it was. However I still cant get it all straight it my head. I still blame myself. I still cant accept that its ok for me to feel like this when other people have suffered so much more than me. I know I shoudnt compare but I cant help it. I feel that I dont deserve any help and support because it wasnt bad enough. I just feel so used and worthless on times but its not just the memories of what actually happened that upset me but the way that it has shaped the way I feel about myself. If anyone else told my story to me Id be able to tell them its ok to feel the way they do, that theyve gone thro hell and its going to take time to heal. But I cant accept all that advice for myself. Still blame myself. Still think Im making a big deal out of nothing. That Im overreacting and keeping myself in this bad place and if I just let it go it will be fine. But I cant let it go either!! Sorry rambling!! You are right tho, the only way to win is to be happy and I try. Im in a much better place than I was months ago when I was in a complete mess!.It just seems to come in waves and right now one of those times when its rough. Il get through it but its just hard. When its in my head there are triggers EVERYWHERE and it just feels like your not ever going to be able to forget it. Thanks for your post...il try to remember to be happy tomorrow I promise

[ALongUnwinding]

BFH I totally hear you! No matter what happened to us there's always something worse to compare it to. My abuse was pretty bad (by my own reckoning) and I find myself saying "but look at all the war victims and tragedy the so and so people are facing. My Dad terrorizing me for half my childhood isn't really THAt bad...

There's always a worse story out there. Don't let that belittle your healing- how important it is, how hard it is, and how much you deserve to acknowledge your truth.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. You deserve to heal!

[BFH0911]

Thank you so much for ur post ALongUnwinding. im sorry to hear that uve been through hell with ur abuse. Im finding it seems to be a common theme on here...blaming ourselves instead of the people who should be blamed, thinking we are not worthy of help and thinking that everyone else is worse off. Mayve one day il take it easy on myaelf...maybe. Thanks for taking the time to reply and for ur kind words. it means a lot thank you x

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.
Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

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