Maybe This Too Much Too?

[wiltedflower]

I have been here for about a week and looking around. I'm not sure what to say or post. I am terrified of someone knowing what has happened to me because if only I had not given up and fought harder, I could have stopped him. So for that I carry immense guilt and shame and blame myself. I am not even sure if I can do this and try to talk here. So, maybe I have wasted your time already. I'm sorry.

[sophie82]

I have been here for about a week and looking around. I'm not sure what to say or post. I am terrified of someone knowing what has happened to me because if only I had not given up and fought harder, I could have stopped him. So for that I carry immense guilt and shame and blame myself. I am not even sure if I can do this and try to talk here. So, maybe I have wasted your time already. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, hun, you haven't wasted anyone's time. I know that looking around here can stir up a lot of emotion but whatever happened it wasn't your fault. You are not responsible for anyone's actions. Whether or not you feel like talking at some point, everyone here supports you. Apart from that, welcome to the message board

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

[tsukiakarinoshita]

I know how you feel, feeling like you are responsible because you feel like you could've stopped it. As someone who is dealing with the same feelings, I'm not sure that I can say anything to change the way you feel: it's one of the biggest things I'm dealing with too. But the people here are incredibly supportive, and getting everything off of your chest here, if you get to a point where you're ready to do so, will give you a way to get support without the pressure of sitting face to face with someone and worrying about their reaction.

When I first found this place several months ago, I honestly believed that I shouldn't be here. It took me months to even introduce myself. But, even after explaining my situation (which I thought would lead people to agree with me), they have reassured me that the situation didn't matter, that it still wasn't my fault. It's going to be a process, trying to get to a point where I can accept that, but knowing that they don't judge me for getting into the situation (like I thought they would) has been a major first step.

So, no worries. Read around for a few weeks if it makes you feel more comfortable or if you are looking for more information. This board isn't going anywhere. It'll be here whenever you're ready for it.

[wiltedflower]

Thank you for the kind replies. I am just not sure if I can talk about my r* or my fears. I have posted in a few other places but it all more general things and not my raw emotions. I don't know if I can ever post or let someone hear me even try to speak of what happened. I have kept it bottled up for so long, I am not sure I can hear myself speak it, let alone all of you. I commend all of you for being able to step out into the light and open up, however I just feel like this dark place I have made for myself will forever be my home. Fear trumps everything I want or think I need. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be for myself. I'm sorry again.

[loTus1]

welcome to AS!

i hope you get supports as much as I do here

[2n3393]

I understand...and feel very much like you do. I haven't shared my whole story yet on here or even with my therapist or husband. It's coming out little by little and I think it is easier that way.

Like everyone else said...just take your time, read what others write...respond if you want. Give yourself time to feel safe and trusting and maybe you'll be ready one of these days to share. You have something valuable to offer here...because one of these days someone new will post a message like yours and you can say, "I understand, I've been there" and they will be so grateful that they found someone else who knows how they feel.

Peace to you...

[hugsley1]

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now. It's really hard to post in the beginning so well done for posting this. Remember, nobody is putting a time limit onto your story. You only share what you're comfortable with. This is one place where you ARE in control.

Safe hugs

[sunshinee]

Hi Wiltedflower,

Welcome to Aftersilence.

Hun, you shoudn't have to fight. What that person did was wrong....and they knew it. We shouldn't have to live in fear of someone violating us.

I hope in time you'll come around to believe it's not your fault. I will say it once more - it's not your fault.

I know right now these probably just come across as words on the screen, but it's true. Yes it will take time to believe it, but you shouldn't feel guilty.

I hope you find some support here

Mandy

[alp]

Do not be sorry at all. Share only what you are comfortable with.

There is no judgement here, only caring and supportive people.

You are not to blame and I am sure if you have read others post, most victims blame themselves. Please know you are not to blame for what has caused your pain.

Know that you do have stregnth just by posting. Take your time, we will wait and be there to help you thru it.

Anna

[wiltedflower]

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should post my story, but I have tried and I can't physically do it. It is too much. I have tried to talk in chat, but I am overwhelmed and scared there too. I don't know what to do, or who to talk to. I'm sorry, maybe this is the wrong thing to do too. I'm sorry.

[crushedflower]

:hug:

you don't have to do anything you don't want to

you don't ever have to share, if you aren't ready- i have yet to post my story and look how long i have been here.

yet i have gotten lots of support here.

you can too

just read the boards a bit, choose safe titles/topics for yourself

try not to blame yourself.

you are not the wrongdoer.

~Flower xx

[JenD]

Welcome on the boards, wiltedflower.

Just be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time. When I started out here about two months ago, I was completely overwhelmed in the beginning. I read some stories in the 'share your story' section and had major panic attacks. Could not handle reading them (let alone write down any supportive words whatsoever).

Start reading the topics you might find safe yet relevant for yourself. Feel free to skip some posts or even complete subforums. It is ok (I still don't go to the share your story section and some other subforums. I feel awful for not 'listening' to the stories of my fellow survivors here, but it is just something I am not ready for. And I realize that they likely do understand).

Don't feel obligated to share your story. This forum gives you the opportunity but it is NOT a must. I have not shared my story and I don't know if I will be ready at some point for it even though I think it would be nice to get the word out. Nobody judged me for it.

Find your own path at your own pace. If you decide you feel comfortable posting or replying, go ahead. If it does not feel safe yet, skip it. Same goes with the chat.

You might consider replying to some topics first, to start getting used to it and getting a bit more comfortable. Often times, there are not many words needed. Just letting someone know you read their threat and offer some hugs means plenty.

Take your time, don't put yourself under any pressure. This is a place for YOU!

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Please, take your time.

Do what only you can handle.

If you can't post, it's ok.

If you can't read certain things, that's ok too.

We are all at different levels.

Know that I am here anytime.

My inbox is always open.

Love,

Found

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Please, take your time.

Do what only you can handle.

If you can't post, it's ok.

If you can't read certain things, that's ok too.

We are all at different levels.

Know that I am here anytime.

My inbox is always open.

Love,

Found

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Please, take your time.

Do what only you can handle.

If you can't post, it's ok.

If you can't read certain things, that's ok too.

We are all at different levels.

Know that I am here anytime.

My inbox is always open.

Love,

Found

[needsleep]

[sjudmajo]

I have been here for about a week and looking around. I'm not sure what to say or post. I am terrified of someone knowing what has happened to me because if only I had not given up and fought harder, I could have stopped him. So for that I carry immense guilt and shame and blame myself. I am not even sure if I can do this and try to talk here. So, maybe I have wasted your time already. I'm sorry.

Hi

sharing

Sorry for late in responding

you did what you could to survive

can you write about why you feel guilt etc. that will help you to find the answer. writing on paper will help. you. at first. I did. you haven't wasted mine.

I can write you in the Private message system or my personal email

Thoughts?

Judith