USMCWife Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Hi All, I am 24 turning 25 on the 6th! I have been hurt my entire childhood up until 16 (the last time I remember it happening) by a cousin who is ten years older than me and an uncle. I am really hurting today and I just don't know where to go. I feel so alone in this. I am having some 'female problems' and am feeling some pain 'down there'. It is making me feel like I did back then. I just want to bawl my eyes out! I feel like I just got hurt even though it has been years. I don't know where to go tonight or what to do. I feel completley overwhelmed with my feelings. I feel "little" again and so vulnerable. I know I need to get to a doctor. But I DON'T want anyone to touch me there right now. I am so triggered by this physical feeling. I emailed my therapist about being triggered but she isn't replying and I feel so alone. I am safe but am feeling unsafe inside if that makes any sense. I think I have an infection or something but it is killing me emotionally right now. Please anyone......I need some support. I don't want to be alone in this right now. Link to post
whatisleft09 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 im so sori you are going thru this. i was also hurt starting at a young age (4), and i am pregnant right now and its triggering sooo many things. but i think if you can have someone go with oyu to the doctor, u reli should go. just my advice- i understand- i was hurt by a doctor as a child so i def understand. if ok tgc im here, pm me if you need - kat Link to post
Becky Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'm sorry you are struggling so much, but I'm glad you found us. You aren't alone anymore, we are here and listening. You can get through this and you will find lots of support here. So, welcome to After Silence . Link to post
USMCWife Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Thank you so much for replying. I just feel like I am going out of my mind right now. I am not comfortable in my own skin at all right now. I just want to take a hot shower and wash myself over and over but I KNOW that I could wash until my skin felt raw and I would still feel dirty and like I can't be in my own skin right now. What do you do when you feel like that? It makes me want to hurt myself in some way. I HATE me at times like this. Link to post
whatisleft09 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 do you know any grounding skill? one that works for me is 1)take 5 deep breaths 2)name 5 things you see around you 3) 5 breaths again 4) name 5 things you hear around you 5) 5 breaths 6) name 5 things you can feel around you (like cold or hot or if the chair or whatever youre on is soft) then continue down to 4,3,2, 1, etc. do it agian or start at a higher number if you need. it helps me. maybe itll help you Link to post
stonefeather Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm not really sure what to say that will be supportive, but I wanted to try. I understand the feeling of not wanting to have a doctor check you. I have always had issues with that but it has gotten better over time. Maybe it will for you as well. Do you have a doctor you are comfortable with and can trust? If not I suggest looking for a new one. Yes it makes sense to be safe yet unsafe inside. What are some things which you can do to comfort yourself? This may sound strange and totally unrelated yet I stumbled upon this method for myself. I take an ace bandage and wrap my wrist. the feeling of the bandage gives me comfort and calms me. It's snug like a hug on my arm. I'm not saying that this may work for you (although who knows) but just saying that sometimes we have to think outside the box to find our comfort. Especially comforts that don't have negative consequences. The suggestion of bringing a friend to the dr. sounds good. Or at least having a friend to be with after. I really hope you can get yourself into a space safe enough to go. Good luck (((()))) Jessie Link to post
USMCWife Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Thank you everyone. I am overwhelmed with the support and how kind each of you are. I am going to try the grounding thing. I usually try only one of those things to ground myself so maybe doing all of them and then going over them again backwards will help. Thank you! Also, we moved not that long ago so unfortunately the doctor I am seeing is a new one. It is a female which helps but it sucks to have to go get checked for this sort of thing by a new person. I don't have anyone that can go with me to the appt. My husband would prob have to stay with our children...we have two precious babies (a four year old girl and a 22 month old boy). And please don't ask me how I got checked with them bc that was triggering too. I cried after each pelvic exam but thankfully didnt need too many throughout the pregnancies. Okay...so I must have really bad luck tonight bc I went to the bathroom not that long ago and well, get this, I havemy period. So, on top of the infection or whatever, I have that which means I won't be abel to get checked out until it's over. Any one else get triggered by their periods? Or is it just me? Link to post
whatisleft09 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 im sori and i understand th pregnancy thing. i have breakdowns/panic attacks when i go. its bad. but i also get triggered by tht, i have this weird hatred for my feminine qualities, like i hate being a female, i feel so weak and vinerable to stupid bc of it so things that are undeniably feminine freak me out. i usually get mini attacks when i first get them. but i get a bit better as it goes on. then it hits me agian next time. im sori you are going thru this. -kat Link to post
USMCWife Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 whatisleft09, I really relate to what you are saying. How far along are you? If you ever need anything I've been through pregnancy twice. And all I can say is that although pregnancy and delivery are really hard and prob much harder on us who are survivors, it is so so worth it. Thank you so much for writing to me tonight. It means SO MUCH to me. I don't think I can really tell you how much. Link to post
whatisleft09 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 hey, im 24 weeks. (i think, the stupid clinic i go to- i have bad insurance- keeps changing my date so where i am changes a week every now and then ) but your very welcome. i am glad i could help. i understand how hard it can get, and i understand how hard it is when you feel completley alone. i have to sign off, probly for the night. but you can pm me if you would like. thank you very much for offering your adivice and if i have any questions, ill make sure to let you know take great care. be strong. :bughug: - kat Link to post
emt Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I am so sorry you are feeling alone and scared right now. I wish I had the words that would bring you comfort. If you need to talk you can PM me and I will be there to listen. Hugs if ok. emt Link to post
traceyelizabeth Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I am so sorry you are going through this. But please remember you are not alone we are here for you and supporting loving and :bighug: :bighug: you all the way. Take gental care Love Tracey Link to post
Tiger Lily Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Hi, Welcome to AS. I am sorry for what has brought you here but I am glad you found us. This is a great safe place and I hope you get as much support as you want/need. There is no pressure to post anything so just take your time Take gentle care -TL Link to post
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