In Hope Of Healing...

[DiamondOrchid]

Hi everyone,

This site comes recommended to me from another member and I'm going to take it as a sign from God to help me along in my healing. I'm in my early 20's, currently spreading my wings in life, and hoping to do my very best.

I'm also a rape victim--- and as I type that it sounds very strange for me to open up and say it. It's been a little over 4 years since it happened and I still find it difficult to talk about... not many people understand, I don't need the pity from people, and I'm still very scared at times. It took me at least a year to finally admit that something very bad happened to me on that night, that it wasn't my fault at all, and that it has effected my life. Not that I'm forcing myself to believe something happened, but at least let myself realize it and heal.

I'm a pretty private person when this is discussed. None of my family knows, a handful of my close real life friends know, and a handful of my beloved online friends know. I'm not new to forums, but what I do there and what I do here will be two separate things. I worry somebody will find me online and tell my family or my co-workers... though I know this is not something I should be judged on, but still its private (I'm sure many of you understand that).

I'm an educator--- I thank God that I get to do what I've always wanted to since I was a little child. Graduating college and getting into my dream professional field has made me very proud and has shown me I'm much stronger than what the person who raped me wants me to believe.

I still have healing to do and I think this is probably the next logical step in that healing. I've set some goals for myself personally (though I don't have any timeline on when I expect them to be completed):

1) Forgive the guy who raped me--- I'm very close because I no longer hate him... I just have a strong dislike towards him.

2) Let go of the fear that I have--- I freak out very easily when my beloved boyfriend (of 27 months) tries to kiss me or hug me, when my Mom puts a hand on my body (even though I love her to death), when guyfriends hug me, etc. I don't like being touched and it takes me awhile to become comfortable with it.

3) Not conform my life to being safe--- that means making sure all the windows and doors are locked before undressing, worrying about if I'm showing too much skin, worrying about who's around me, etc.

I know these are all common things amongst survivors. So that makes me feel a little less of a freak

My personal life--- I'm dating my best friend in the world, a fellow Christian brother, and an amazing blessing from God for a little over 2 years now. He knows about my past--- I'm upfront about a potential guy I'm going to date and I tell him that I have a whole truck full of baggage that comes along with me--- and has been a huge supporter of me through college, moving out, getting a job, etc. He's the love of my life, the person I go to when I feel like pouting about how things are going, and the person who gives me my pep talks. I'm not sure if he'll join this community, but I know I wear him down thin sometimes if how stressed out and scared I can become. He's had to see me through numerous depressions, anxiety attacks, and even physically harming my body. He loves me through it all and tells me that often. He also thinks the guy who raped me is a complete jerk--- another plus

So that's my life in a nutshell. I'm easily triggered by comments, so please be gentle with me--- though I'm also very much willing to be a shoulder to cry on and offer my little tidbits of inspiration at times to.

Let's see what this site can do for me

~Orchid

[angelic]

Hi DiamondOrchid, welcome to AS, hope you find some healing here,

take care, Paula

[lacrymosa]

Hi Orchid,

I'm glad you've joined After Silence. Thanks for sharing with us about who you are, and where you are in your healing. It's nice to get a sense of your personality, and recognize easily things we have in common. I hope you find AS to be a comforting, supportive community, as I have.

I'm sorry for what you've had to endure, and proud of you for being able to say it. It took me a long time to be able to read/hear it, let alone say it, so I know it's a victory in your healing.

If you have any questions, or just want to talk, please feel free to message me. I'm looking forward to getting to know you over time. Take care, and I'll see you around the site.

[DiamondOrchid]

Thanks very much for the warm welcome.

[butterflyinreverse]

Diamond, you are definitely not a freak! I'm sorry that happened to you, and I wish you all the best in your goals towards healing. It's been 16 years for me (i was 7) and it's still there ... it never fully goes away, but it's what you take from it and what you make yourself. You can do it! *hugs*

[Dandylion]

Hey you! Welcome to AS! I'm really glad you joined Orchid...and pretty please come visit me in Secondary Survivors sometimes .

[heartsicksad]

Welcome to AS! I hope being here helps you on your path to healing.

[DiamondOrchid]

Diamond, you are definitely not a freak! I'm sorry that happened to you, and I wish you all the best in your goals towards healing. It's been 16 years for me (i was 7) and it's still there ... it never fully goes away, but it's what you take from it and what you make yourself. You can do it! *hugs*

See that's something else I'm fearful of... never feeling like my "normal" (pre-rape) self. In many ways, I've become a stronger and better person for having gone through it and healed. But I'm tired of being scared of alot of things--- especially developing healthy relationships and friendships. I know every step of healing will come in time... but I'm losing patience and I want to forget it happened and stop worrying about people so much.

*Rant over*

[DiamondOrchid]

Hey you! Welcome to AS! I'm really glad you joined Orchid...and pretty please come visit me in Secondary Survivors sometimes .

Thanks Hun... will do!! (I'll try to get my Sweetheart over there too--- you can teach him a few things )

[Dandylion]

Hey you! Welcome to AS! I'm really glad you joined Orchid...and pretty please come visit me in Secondary Survivors sometimes .

Thanks Hun... will do!! (I'll try to get my Sweetheart over there too--- you can teach him a few things )

Hehe, go for it. Don't know if I can teach him anything but I'm always up for more perspectives .

[hollygolightly]

Hey Orchid,

welcome to AS !

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm glad you joined AS because you will find lots of support here!

Best wishes for you healing journey, sounds like you've already taken a couple of steps down that road...

Holly

[littlelost]

and welcome to AS

[silenced42long]

Hi and Welcome to AS!!

[probably]

Hello and welcome to AS

[DiamondOrchid]

Bumping this back up

I decided to come back to the community after a year. I think the reason why I left before was that it was SOO much a change for me--- talking about it with other people--- that I got scared and freaked out. I consider myself a strong person (when I feel like being positive) but I realize too how easily I become triggered.

Since I was here last, I've finished up my first year of being a science teacher And will getting a chance to do it again come September. There was NO time to even think about anxiety, depression, or my past and I enjoyed the distraction of life. I can't be upset around my students, so I have to be cheery and honestly with them around, it's easy to be happy most of the time.

I'm still with the guy I was dating last time I was here too and we're still in a happy and healthy relationship. These past few days (maybe weeks) I've been having a lot more anxiety than normal so he keeps checking up on me and trying to get things off my mind he knows is bothering me. He's my guardian angel on earth and I just adore how he loves me. Still no date set on marriage though-- we are waiting until he moves out here so we won't have a long distance relationship anymore (Hopefully soon--- 1 or 2 months) and then he'll have to figure out college and get a job. I'm in no rush though because at this time I don't think I'm ready to be a Mom and I do prefer having my students to care for and then being able to come home to rest.

Another really great thing is that I got back in touch with a really good friend of mine who I've known since middle school. We stopped talking because of his girlfriend and the because he was friends with the person who raped me. I thought it would be safer if I got "rid" of those friends so there would be no way of the person contacting me. I did end up telling my friend what happened and he was really upset that he wasn't there for me and that this person did that to me. He has since stopped being friends with him and started hanging out more with me. I don't want to take friends away from the person, but I also want to be really safe and avoid this person at all costs. He did ask about me to my friend when he saw me on his facebook, but the friend told him that he doesn't really talk to me so he doesn't know what is up. I asked him to not mention me to this person, so I'm glad he didn't say anything.

My family and most of my friends still don't know what happened though and I probably won't ever feel comfortable telling them. Maybe after I'm married and things are settled. But I'm trying to take things one day at a time and just relax this summer.

[DiamondOrchid]

Well its been about a year since I posted around the site--- I hope you all are doing well! I've been noticing that my anxiety and depression are popping up more... but on the other hand, I can be more open about my abusive relationships and the rape. My sister (the first family member I've shared stuff with) knows about the abusive relationship and is more aware of my anxiety and depression. She does her best to keep me going

I'm still with my wonderful boyfriend, soon to be engaged, and we're currently living together. That's a very good thing because recently a male moved into the apartment above us. Since moving in, he has actually YELLED at us because we're in HIS way when it comes to parking our cars in the one tiny driveway. Today it just hit me all at once (I don't really want to go into it) and I've been freaking out.

I know I have to take care of myself, but my boyfriend has no clue what its like to come from an abusive relationship, so I'm looking for support and wisdom from those people who do.