Hello I'm A Newbie

[Snow White]

Hello, everyone!

I am 32 years old, diagnosed with PTSD and have been sexually abused by my father first by watching rape movies when I was 4 that mixed up my view of myself and men (and boys in high school). At age 14 I had my first real boyfriend who forced me to have sex in our three month relationship. When the relationship ended, two months later he kept calling me to get back together with him. I figured the only way to get him to understand "No" was to see him face-to-face. He drugged me and raped me.

I am in therapy for both the sexual abuse and rape but need to talk to and share with other survivors. I am so scared my family will not believe me, or find me repulsive. I've never dated--not even when I had a boyfriend. I just was not allowed. Still I want to date and fall in love, marry and have kids. I have this tremendous fear that whoever I find I will push away because I feel so worthless, and untrusting of his motives, even that he'll cheat on me just as my father did on my mom in their 18 years of marriage. Also that I feel I am not good enough, not pure enough to be loved in a way such as that.

I'll tell my story later. Just bare with me. I am so frightened people will see me the way my dad treated me and my ex did. Oh, I want to have a life! I keep myself in a prison of fear. It's hard for me to walk alone, even during the day in my own neighborhood. I barely leave the yard.

TTFN!

[Disney]

Welcome to this wonderful and supportive message board. As I read your introduction, I can relate. I hope you find yourself at home while you are here.

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS. You will find lots of support and friendship here.

best wishes

karen

[yogibear]

Welcome. Cool username

[brobbitt]

Hi and welcome,

"I am so scared my family will not believe me, or find me repulsive."

In therapy one of the classic defence mechanisms is to use a learned technique called 'projection'. This means that sometimes survivors of trauma can project their own feelings and fears into the actions of others, sort of "I feel this way and therefore so will they". I guess in your case this may mean that you consider the awful things that happened to you to be almost unbelievable and therefore so will others, that you understandibly find these things repulsive and therefore others will be repulsed by you. Healing begins by your believing that you aren't repulsive, but rather your abusers are. You have done nothing wrong , carry no blame, no shame, all of these things belong to your abusers!...Through your therapy have you tried writing down what you would say to your family to see how that may sound? This can help to bring things into perspective and may help... you so deserve the support and help ofyour family right now..

"Still I want to date and fall in love, marry and have kids."

And you so deserve to have these things in your life..

"I have this tremendous fear that whoever I find I will push away because I feel so worthless, and untrusting of his motives, even that he'll cheat on me just as my father did on my mom in their 18 years of marriage."

Its not surprising that you have trust issues is it, given that you have been let down by significant men in your life, this is completely normal and human... understanding what happened to you through your therapy and realising that you are not worthless,in fact the opposite, you are indeed very valuable is the beginning to resolving these understandible issues.... so hope you can find this..

"Also that I feel I am not good enough, not pure enough to be loved in a way such as that"

You are good enough,more than good enough in fact, you are brave and resourceful and persistent, you have strength of charachter to have survived and remained functional inspite of your experience(all survivors are). The lack of purity belongs to the men who took advantage of you, the shame is their's too, therefore you deserve to be loved in a way such as that and you owe yourself that chance at happiness..

"I am so frightened people will see me the way my dad treated me and my ex did."

And you have hidden this for so long now and it has become a heavy burden to carry.In doing so you have created a mask that hides the real you, prevents the real you from shining through...you deserve to be you, this is the most basic of human rights and the real you is definately good enough...

"Oh, I want to have a life! I keep myself in a prison of fear. It's hard for me to walk alone, even during the day in my own neighborhood. I barely leave the yard. "

I can so sense your desperation and fear, are you safe now? or is it the memories that keep you trapped? You so desrve to get out of that yard,to live your life as you want to, to simply be you in the moment...you can do this, you can be this,you are stronger than you can possibly imagine (as is anyone who has suffered uncomplaigning for so long).. take strength from the peopleon this site, many can tell a similar story, each are on different legs oftheir individual journey,each have been at the beginning of that journey, just likeyou are now.... each journey begins with one step and by enrolling intherapy and being here you have taken a large number of steps already :o)...be proud of yourself!!

Brian

[Snow White]

Thanks, Brian, and everyone who has replied to my post. It means a lot to know that I do not have to be silent any longer.

[Donna]

Welcome to AS hun. :hug:

[brokensky]

Hi there,

I can really relate to much of what you've written... I feel like I keep myself in a prison of fear as well... Welcome to AS ~ I'm sure you will find lots of support here.

Katrina

[thriver]

Snow White: You don't have to be silent any longer. Welcome to AS. You will be heard here.

[livinhope]

Hello, everyone!

I am 32 years old, diagnosed with PTSD and have been sexually abused by my father first by watching rape movies when I was 4 that mixed up my view of myself and men (and boys in high school). At age 14 I had my first real boyfriend who forced me to have sex in our three month relationship. When the relationship ended, two months later he kept calling me to get back together with him. I figured the only way to get him to understand "No" was to see him face-to-face. He drugged me and raped me.

I am in therapy for both the sexual abuse and rape but need to talk to and share with other survivors. I am so scared my family will not believe me, or find me repulsive. I've never dated--not even when I had a boyfriend. I just was not allowed. Still I want to date and fall in love, marry and have kids. I have this tremendous fear that whoever I find I will push away because I feel so worthless, and untrusting of his motives, even that he'll cheat on me just as my father did on my mom in their 18 years of marriage. Also that I feel I am not good enough, not pure enough to be loved in a way such as that.

I'll tell my story later. Just bare with me. I am so frightened people will see me the way my dad treated me and my ex did. Oh, I want to have a life! I keep myself in a prison of fear. It's hard for me to walk alone, even during the day in my own neighborhood. I barely leave the yard.

TTFN!

[livinhope]

Hello, everyone!

I am 32 years old, diagnosed with PTSD and have been sexually abused by my father first by watching rape movies when I was 4 that mixed up my view of myself and men (and boys in high school). At age 14 I had my first real boyfriend who forced me to have sex in our three month relationship. When the relationship ended, two months later he kept calling me to get back together with him. I figured the only way to get him to understand "No" was to see him face-to-face. He drugged me and raped me.

I am in therapy for both the sexual abuse and rape but need to talk to and share with other survivors. I am so scared my family will not believe me, or find me repulsive. I've never dated--not even when I had a boyfriend. I just was not allowed. Still I want to date and fall in love, marry and have kids. I have this tremendous fear that whoever I find I will push away because I feel so worthless, and untrusting of his motives, even that he'll cheat on me just as my father did on my mom in their 18 years of marriage. Also that I feel I am not good enough, not pure enough to be loved in a way such as that.

I'll tell my story later. Just bare with me. I am so frightened people will see me the way my dad treated me and my ex did. Oh, I want to have a life! I keep myself in a prison of fear. It's hard for me to walk alone, even during the day in my own neighborhood. I barely leave the yard.

TTFN!

[selene]

Hey!

Hugs

I know that we so often find the fault with ourselves - but what happened to you was never your fault. Some people may not react well when you tell them - unfortunately, but then there are some that will make the road so much easier for you.

Best of luck

Love and hugs

Selene

[Haullie]

Welcome to AS! Glad to have you here. Many Healing Hugs!

Love, Haullie

[munchie]

Hello and welcome

love and hugs

munchiexx

[Butterflyangelbaby]

HEY WELCOME TO AS

Nicole