Hi

[JesseRose]

My name is Jesse Rose, I go by Jesse, and I’m a 63 yo trans woman. In December 24 I had a very deeply buried and hidden (even from myself) of a rape that happened to me 16 years ago before I met my ex husband. I was still a cisgendered male. Suddenly I felt as if it had just happened and I was having constant flashbacks. I saw my doctor because I needed a therapist now. I found one and got to work.
 

Fast forward to August and I was feeling somewhat better, the flashbacks are easier to handle. I’m standing on the sidewalk in broad daylight when a man stops in front of me to compliment my earrings. Then he touched my ears. I hate being touched by strangers and have issues being touched. Then he goes on to the gross stuff. How other guys would be glad to do the same thing. He touched me three times before I got away. Having been a guy previously it took female friends to let me know that he assaulted me. And he undid all the work I had done.

Today I’m trying. I’m usually open about things and I want to be open about this but I need my family to know first. I’ve talked to my sisters but sadly they’re survivors as well so they were understanding. This leaves two male family members and I’ve only told one man, my therapist and he’s gay. I do have one female friend to talk to who became a survivor last summer. I told her my story after she told me what happened. I let her know I totally understood. 

I’m processing this as a feminine person even though the first time happened to a guy. I’m learning that I’m really not safe from men. This really is unpleasant since they’re interested in me now. 

[missfrier]

Dear jessie

 

Welcome to After Silence!!

 

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud. Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted. It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well. Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

 

I am sending you lots of safe hugs!

 

Take care!

[MeBeMary]

Hi JesseRose,

Welcome to Aftersilence. I am so sorry for the trauma that happened to you 16 years ago, as well as the more current assault. Both were wrong, undeserved and unfair. I'm sorry you endured both instances. I'm sorry that the second caused flashbacks of the first. No individual has a right to touch another, stranger or no. I'm sorry you endured this.

It takes courage to be open, even if this your norm. There is something to be said for others who've been thru it understand a bit more. It's sad that it has happen to other of your family members and your friend. I wish you the best in telling the male members of your family and hope they are just as understanding and are supportive. 

Struggles and pain will affect any gender, as it has affected you, you know. I know how it is to feel with not feeling safe and it has taken me time to realize that I was thinking it in the wrong way. It's more of not knowing which men are trustworthy and which are not. There are good men out there. I know a few. The others I may be a little weary of, but it's more about not knowing if I can trust myself to determine if they are trustworthy or not. I know...it's a complicated thing and I know that it's hard to change feelings. 

Again, welcome to the community. Feel free to look around and interact where and when you comfortable doing so. You will find this a supportive community with many understanding and kind people. 

Mary