Hello!

[Ellie11]

Hello everyone, my name is Ellie, I’m 29 years old.

I experienced sexual abuse when I was around 4–5 years old. I don’t remember it in a clear, linear way, but rather through fragments, bodily sensations, and very blurred images that, when they are triggered, unleash a kind of inner storm. In those moments it feels as if I am back there again: I feel like a very small child who just wants to hide, to disappear.

Right now I fluctuate a lot. There are moments when I try to deny or minimize what happened, throwing myself into activities or trying to “function,” and others when I feel completely stuck, empty, overwhelmed by shame, anger, and fear. Sometimes I experience an intense and difficult-to-manage anger that scares me.

I am working on these issues in therapy, very cautiously. I’m writing here because I feel very alone in this process. Maybe I’m looking for stories from people who have gone through something similar, or simply to feel less out of place in what I’m experiencing.

Sorry for the long, disorganized, and perhaps dramatic message. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it! 

[ActivistAlly]

Hi Ellie!

Welcome to aftersilence!!!  I'm sorry that you suffered what you did to bring you here but I'm glad you found the site for support!  I understand what you say about feeling small or young...little when you have moments with the memories and that they are fragments and blurred images that make your physical body feel a storm of sensations that make you feel stuck and overwhelmed.  It can be tough to realize that things mattered so much when we were young ages like 4-5 that things still can effect us so powerfully but it's good that you are taking the careful time to nurture yourself and your inner younger selves too.

I don't think your message was disorganized or dramatic.  It's real and we believe you that for a person experiencing these aftereffects they are very powerful indeed.  

 We (all my parts) hope you will find our site very helpful and get some of the kind and compassionate support you deserve here to help you along the way on your life's journey.

ActivistAlly

[MeBeMary]

Hi Ellie.

Welcome to the community! I am very sorry for what you endured as a child. It was wrong and unfair for anyone to hurt you. You have found a supportive site with many understanding and kind members. You are not alone.

I believe all of us here relate in one way or another. If it's not the same abuse, it's the struggles associated with it. Many of us who have had childhood abuse do have fragments and blurry images. Many of us have tried to suppress it. Trauma is hard to comprehend for an adult, but as a child...when the mind isn't fully developed to process it, it can be extremely to figure out. Struggles never lie, tho. They come from somewhere and we are left to try to figure out what the child in us doesn't want to deal with. Reading, posting, interacting with others does help. Realizing that the feeling of being so very alone doesn't apply here. There is no judgement, just validation. There is no rush, only the pace you find comfortable. We are happy to have you (tho unhappy you've experienced anything traumatic). 

I'm glad you decided to reach out. Even if you don't realize it, it's a brave thing for you to do. Wishing you the best on this journey and hope to see you around our community.

Mary

[Ellie11]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and for taking the time to reply!

Reading your words made me feel a little less alone and a bit more understood, which means a lot right now.

Thank you for the welcome and for the care you’ve shown. It really matters 

[awi]

Welcome to this safe place friend.  Know that you are not alone.  Healing is possible. 

[missfrier]

Dear ellie11

 

Welcome to After Silence!!

 

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud. Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted. It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well. Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

 

I am sending you lots of safe hugs!

 

Take care!

[WannaMoveOn]

17 hours ago, Ellie11 said:

Thank you all so much for your kindness and for taking the time to reply!

Reading your words made me feel a little less alone and a bit more understood, which means a lot right now.

Thank you for the welcome and for the care you’ve shown. It really matters 

Hello and Ellie and welcome to AS! 

I am Wanna  I am sincerely sorry about your trauma and how it has affected your life. We all know first hand here, that stepping out of silence is a process. We understand that healing can be a bumpy road with ups and downs, and that is why I am happy you've decided to join a community. I do believe every survivor can benefit from the opportunity to share their experience anomalously and connect with fellow survivors. You decide what you'd like to share, how much and when. You own your story here. You are also invited to vent, exchange advice with other members and just to hang out. You can interact with this community in numerous ways, and I do hope we'll be able to provide that sense of support you deserve and need. 

Feel free to send me or any staff member a  PM for assistance, if you'd have any questions or just for a brief chat. I will send you a PM with some information in a minute.

Happy new 2026, and take gentle care 

W