Starting my healing journey

[mermaidfairy]

Hi everyone,
After living so many years trapped with my own pain, I got fed up, and I am so tired of it that I am starting to seek help because I self-punish myself for being happy. And as I am starting my healing journey, I am running into some issues with my therapist about having to report the incident. And I don't want to do it. I'd rather let that job to the universe or god. I have been focused on everyone else in my family, purposely ignoring my pain, and so focused on life's daily tasks that eventually this horrible incident is consuming me and giving me flashbacks, and it's catching up to me. So I am back to the drawing board and am going to look for a different therapist, or I don't know? All I know is I am not giving up on my healing journey. I am scared at the same time because I am going back to the university at 30, and it terrifies me if I am too old, and being in a brand new environment will make me anxious or cause me panic attacks. All I know is I am not giving up on my healing journey, because I am done being so sad, and I want to learn to be happy, and how do you guys heal?
Sincerely,

Mermaid fairy

[WannaMoveOn]

59 minutes ago, mermaidfairy said:

All I know is I am not giving up on my healing journey.

Hello there, mermaidfairy and welcome to AS, I am Wanna

I am sincerely sorry about your pain and that somebody has been cruel enough to put you in this situation. I however already admire your dedication, your willpower to stick with your healing. It is indeed a choice, because functional coping and ways to move forward is something we do consciously. Healing can the a heck of a rocky road, but it's the only option really, if we want to move on from the pain. You are not alone in this, we are an entire community of survivors here, supporting one another. Every story is unique, but we so often relate to each other. 

1 hour ago, mermaidfairy said:

And as I am starting my healing journey, I am running into some issues with my therapist about having to report the incident.

That sounds strange, given what you share to your therapist is confidential and you're an adult. I reported my abuser, but I completely understand if some people do not wish to. It's a personal choice. 

1 hour ago, mermaidfairy said:

am going back to the university at 30, and it terrifies me if I am too old

I am 25 and have 3+ years to go at my university journey. Don't worry. I have classmates who are in their 40's, 50's and sometimes even 60's. We learn as long as we live, going back to university at 30 is perfectly normal where I live. 

1 hour ago, mermaidfairy said:

I have been focused on everyone else in my family, purposely ignoring my pain, and so focused on life's daily tasks that eventually this horrible incident is consuming me and giving me flashbacks, and it's catching up to me.

If we only could ignore the pain away, right? People so often tell survivors to just "let it go". As we haven't tried that one a million times! We need to process our trauma, so it won't, as you put it, consume us. 

I'll send you a PM with some info to get you started. Please feel free to contact me or any staff member of choice for assistance, questions or a little chat. And please know, we believe you

All best, W

[mermaidfairy]

Thank you

[WannaMoveOn]

1 hour ago, mermaidfairy said:

Thank you

[awi]

On 10/6/2025 at 1:12 AM, mermaidfairy said:

 

Welcome

Edited October 16 by awi

[mermaidfairy]

Thank you guys so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me . Since I have no one to confide in this incident, it makes me feel hopeful for my journey and finding a support group who understand this. Thank you all for your kind words

[WannaMoveOn]

7 minutes ago, mermaidfairy said:

Thank you guys so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me . Since I have no one to confide in this incident, it makes me feel hopeful for my journey and finding a support group who understand this. Thank you all for your kind words

 You have an entire community here, I am so glad you've found us! 

Edited October 6 by WannaMoveOn

[awi]

1 hour ago, mermaidfairy said:

Thank you guys so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me . Since I have no one to confide in this incident, it makes me feel hopeful for my journey and finding a support group who understand this. Thank you all for your kind words

[ShyUnicorn]

17 hours ago, mermaidfairy said:

All I know is I am not giving up on my healing journey. I am scared at the same time because I am going back to the university at 30

Hi mermaidfairy,

Your determination is a wonderful thing! Hopefully, this space will provide you with the support and encourage you need, should your determination ever need a boost. 
I changed careers and went back to school, albeit virtually, at 47. I was terrified about how different it would be, until I realized that everything that made school different this time around, was also making it easier this time around. So I learned that ‘different’ isn’t always bad. It can also be really good. 
The same could be said for finding a new therapist. If your current one is not respecting your decisions, it might be the perfect opportunity to find someone better. 
No matter where your journey takes you, I’m happy our paths have crossed. 
Take care,

ShyUnicorn

[VioletBloom]

Hello @mermaidfairy 🧜‍♀️🧚‍♀️ (love the username) 

I’m new here as well and feel the same way. For too long I’ve let my PTSD control my life by stuffing it in the closet. I need to face it to be truly happy. It’s amazing that you are willing to face your trauma at ANY age. 

I hope you find what you need here. 💜🌺

[bart27830]

Welcome here @mermaidfairy. It's great you're not giving up on healing yourself. 

Reporting is only your decision to make. I've never was able to report mine. It felt impossible for me. My therapist only briefly asked how I image telling about it to my parents, hypothetically, and I got very anxious and couldn't tell.

As for the healing. It takes time and requires patience and a lot of self compassion. remember to be always kind to yourself and don't judge if there is seemingly no progress and you feel stuck. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your getting better journey.

[MeBeMary]

Hi mermaidfairy, 

Welcome to the community. I'm very sorry you've experienced trauma and are struggling. I'm sorry too, that your therapist is pressuring you to report. No one has the right to pressure you to do that. It is up to each individual to decide and even tho I am able to admire those who find they have the right time and mind space to do so, find it's more of a rarity than anything that it happens...and even then, to no avail, as the justice system isn't really in the survivor's corner usually.

I am glad you are not giving up your healing journey. You deserve to heal and have better days. It takes time and effort...but I believe it's possible. I'm glad you decided to reach out. 

Feel free to look around and interact where you feel comfortable. Know that you are not alone.

Mary