Little Warrior Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 Hello everyone, I am new here and new to sharing my trauma. For most of my life, I’ve tucked my trauma away with the belief that talking about it was just “dwelling on the past.” I’m 51 now. My adult life has been filled mostly with joy and love, despite my childhood. I’m blessed with a caring husband, five grown children, and four grandchildren who bring me so much happiness. I survived. But recently, memories of my childhood have begun to surface and haunt me. Maybe it’s because my kids are grown and I finally have time to think; maybe it’s because I can no longer protect them (or my grandchildren) the way I once tried to. Whatever the reason, my anxiety, nightmares, and hypervigilance have intensified, and I’ve made the decision to face my past and heal so it no longer controls me. I considered therapy but could never bring myself to make the call. Instead, I started researching trauma and came across the ACEs scale — I scored a 9, which was a wake-up call. From there, I began digging into my childhood by creating a timeline. I started with listing the 26 homes I lived in before moving out at 16 and writing down any memories I had associated with each home. This is when I realized I had blocked almost everything from the time I went to live with my biological father at 7 until his death when I was 9. Over time, I learned that other family members had been abused by my father. My sister helped confirm some fragments of memories I wasn’t sure were real. That’s when I knew for certain that I too had been abused. I went to my mother hoping for answers — specifically about the letters I remember writing to her as a child — but her response and refusal to help left me devastated. Writing has become my outlet. I’ve never written before, but words just poured out of me, and it has helped more than I expected. I believe what I’ve written might help others, too, which is what led me here. For now, I’m here to keep learning, healing, and connecting with people who understand. If it’s allowed and anyone is interested, I’d be willing to share more of my story and poetry here. Thank you for welcoming me and for creating a space where people like me can speak and be heard. 💜 Link to post
Hello everyone, I am new here and new to sharing my trauma. For most of my life, I’ve tucked my trauma away with the belief that talking about it was just “dwelling on the past.” I’m 51 now. My adult life has been filled mostly with joy and love, despite my childhood. I’m blessed with a caring husband, five grown children, and four grandchildren who bring me so much happiness. I survived. But recently, memories of my childhood have begun to surface and haunt me. Maybe it’s because my kids are grown and I finally have time to think; maybe it’s because I can no longer protect them (or my grandchildren) the way I once tried to. Whatever the reason, my anxiety, nightmares, and hypervigilance have intensified, and I’ve made the decision to face my past and heal so it no longer controls me. I considered therapy but could never bring myself to make the call. Instead, I started researching trauma and came across the ACEs scale — I scored a 9, which was a wake-up call. From there, I began digging into my childhood by creating a timeline. I started with listing the 26 homes I lived in before moving out at 16 and writing down any memories I had associated with each home. This is when I realized I had blocked almost everything from the time I went to live with my biological father at 7 until his death when I was 9. Over time, I learned that other family members had been abused by my father. My sister helped confirm some fragments of memories I wasn’t sure were real. That’s when I knew for certain that I too had been abused. I went to my mother hoping for answers — specifically about the letters I remember writing to her as a child — but her response and refusal to help left me devastated. Writing has become my outlet. I’ve never written before, but words just poured out of me, and it has helped more than I expected. I believe what I’ve written might help others, too, which is what led me here. For now, I’m here to keep learning, healing, and connecting with people who understand. If it’s allowed and anyone is interested, I’d be willing to share more of my story and poetry here.
Little Warrior Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 Thank you for the such a kind reply. I was so nervous making my first post. I only have fragments of memories from the time that I lived with my father and he is just like a shadowed person in my memories but I know it's him. My mother refuses to even talk to me about it which is frustrating because she could give me so many answers. I'm trying hard not to be upset with her. My sister was able to confirm several of my "least harmful" memories which atleast help me see that what I do remember is not my imagination. What I don't remember haunts me most if that makes sense. I would love to see any of your songs or writings that you've published. Thank you again so much for making me feel welcomed! Link to post
Little Warrior Posted October 3 Author Share Posted October 3 (edited) I just listened and followed to hear more. It's so touching and I think it's wonderful that you do not hold back. I'm the same with my writing because I need to get it out of me.. I am on the fence with going no contact with my mother. Just a text from her the other day with pictures of Christmas decorations she thought I would like triggered anxiety and anger followed by nightmares. I think it's because she knew she was sending me to a monster but claims innocence. And sends me the most surface level deflecting messages while ignoring what matters. Your music will help so many people ❤️ Edited October 3 by joyner Link to post
Finchy Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 I am short on words right now, but I wanted to welcome you to AS. I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I wish you all the best on your healing journey...you'll meet a lot of very friendly and supportive people here. -Finchy Link to post
awi Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) Welcome @Little Warrior Edited October 16 by awi Link to post
Little Warrior Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 On 10/4/2025 at 12:30 AM, awi said: Welcome Little Warrior to this safe place. I am so sorry what you have been through. And glad you have people that love you and you love to make life with. Once someone told me that we start to remember when it is safe to do so. Trauma is like a message in a bottle. Know that you are not alone. The blame and shame are of the perpetrator. Something really important that I learned during my healing was that I didn't need my family nor friends to understand or acknowledge or even validate me in order to heal. They aren't the ingredient that is necessary to move forward. Another thing is I was always trying to recover something that I felt I had lost or never had. Now I recently realized I have made something new. I can't change the past and can travel through the troubles forward keeping me who I am through it all. Keeping you company during this part of your journey. Healing is possible. Today I feel no shame and thought that would never happen. Thank you so much for this. I'm very hopeful that I will find peace and healing. I hope to also be support for others. Link to post
Little Warrior Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 17 hours ago, Finchy said: I am short on words right now, but I wanted to welcome you to AS. I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I wish you all the best on your healing journey...you'll meet a lot of very friendly and supportive people here. -Finchy Thank you so much ❤️ Link to post
MeBeMary Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 Hello @Little Warrior and welcome. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured and the recent bombardment of memories (or lack thereof) and the struggles it is now causing. What happened to you and other family members like your sister was so undeserved and unfair. Every child deserves to have happy childhood, free from abuse and fear. I'm so sorry that option was stolen from you. I'm also sorry your mother wasn't very forthcoming. It can only be speculated why some parents behave this way. They may be complicit, or embarrassed, or emotionally weak, or just plain ignorant. The reason doesn't matter, as especially now, she should be at least cooperative and supportive of your circumstances of trying to put the pieces back together. You were not failed by one parent, but both. I'm glad you have an outlet. I find many survivors find creative ways to deal with the many struggles we go thru. I haven't written any poems myself in ages, but it has been my outlet, as well. We do have a creativity forum, and you are welcome to post there any time you like. I'm glad you decided to reach out. This is a very supportive community with many understanding and kind members. As you already notice, you are not so alone. We are here for you and walk this path with you. Wishing you well on this journey. Mary Link to post
Little Warrior Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 @MeBeMary Thank you so much for your kinds words and encouragement. I am definitely feeling a little out of sorts with everything but so thankful I found this group of amazing people to connect with. I will check out the creative forum. Thank you again ❤️ Link to post
MeBeMary Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 1 minute ago, Little Warrior said: @MeBeMary Thank you so much for your kinds words and encouragement. I am definitely feeling a little out of sorts with everything but so thankful I found this group of amazing people to connect with. I will check out the creative forum. Thank you again ❤️ This is new, it's normal to feel a little out of sorts. Take your time. Your pace is your own pace, no rush at all! If you ever have questions or concerns, feel free to reach out to me or any of our staff. Until then, wishing you the best. Link to post
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