I'm taking the first steps to healing

[crazyputer]

My abuse stopped 45 years ago but I'm still feeling bad. I've realized that the pain of my years of abuse doesn't go away regardless of how much time has passed. In fact the physiological trauma keeps getting harder to deal with and now the old physical injuries have turned into very painful osteoarthritis. Plus now the nightmares and visons overtake my mind almost constantly. This makes it almost impossible to work or live with others.

I'm unsure of my next steps but I'm committed to change. I'm completely alone no friends or family so my next steps I have to make by myself. I live alone travelling in an off-road motorhome plus I have a workshop trailer. At times I can go many weeks without interacting with another human. 

I haven't been to a medical facility for 15 years that was a work doctor doing my last annual medical exam. I haven't worked for 14 years I've been living off my investments. 

I want to be open about my story but want to keep it private.

[WolfMoon]

Hello Crazyputer, welcome on AS! I'm so sorry for what brought you here. You are so brave for making these steps towards healing, I'm proud of you. You're right, it doesn't just disappear with time unless you actually treat the problem and make the necessary steps to heal. We cannot avoid it, that won't make it disappear. It sure all takes efforts but I'm sure you'll be able to make it. I'm glad you found this place, hope you can find the support you need here. We are all here to support you, we believe you and we believe in you ❤️

[Finchy]

Welcome to AS, crazyputer!  I'm so sorry for what you experienced. It's awful and undeserved.  And to be feeling the effects 45 years ago is proof that abuse never ends, even if it "stops." I'm so sorry. Sitting with you and sending support.  

Once you've posted 10 times (wherever you'd like), you gain access to the Share Your Story section of the forum. You can post about what you've been through there since it's still quite private. Only if you're comfortable with it, of course.

Wishing you all the best! We're here for you.

-Finchy

[awi]

Welcome friend to AS.  So sorry what you have been through and that things are tough right now.  Once early in my healing a person much older and survivor told me you feel the feelings and get the visions when your body feels safe enough to deal with it.  Know you are not alone.  This is a very strong community and it has helped me through my healing from the start.  I can say today I feel no shame or blame for the CSA I was subject to.  There are times I am triggered. But today it is manageable and there are times I am living and enjoying the moment.  Keeping you company during this part of your journey. And hey I get wanting to be open and at the same time being private.  This is the perfect place for that.

[MeBeMary]

Hi crazyputer and welcome.

I am sorry for the trauma you endured and the struggles you still face. What you went thru was not fair or was it deserved. You have found a supportive community with many kind and understanding people. I'm glad you decided to reach out.

You may share what and how much you like, when you like. There is no pressure. Take your time and look around.

Wishing you the best as you continue to navigate this path we call healing.

[crazyputer]

I'm feeling very lonely and seriously alone. Everyone in my close and extended family has been either murdered, committed suicide, died in wars or a few have died of old age the rarest form of death in my family.

Because I've isolated myself I have no friends as well.

[crazyputer]

I really don't know how to make friends or even how to interact with people. I've found being alone has been easier but I think I need some medical help now.

[Finchy]

Just now, crazyputer said:

I really don't know how to make friends or even how to interact with people. I've found being alone has been easier but I think I need some medical help now.

We're here for you. Reach out when you need to, ok?  I'm sorry that you've lost so many people in your life.  Being alone can feel easier, but it really doesn't help in the long run. So I hope you can get some medical help and then try to do some socializing eventually. For now, starting on this forum is great!

[crazyputer]

The nearest town to me right now is 240km. My electric 4wd motorhome only has enough battery charge to do 80km then need 12hr of sun to recharge. If I wait another 2 days I can make it to the town. 

I want to goto town because I'm in constant pain in my neck and back. The pain has been slowly progressing down my back from my neck to my hips. I know my back and neck were beaten by my abuser so I'm thinking it's because I wasn't treated when it happened my abuser wouldn't allow any treatment. 

[crazyputer]

51 minutes ago, Finchy said:

We're here for you. Reach out when you need to, ok?  I'm sorry that you've lost so many people in your life.  Being alone can feel easier, but it really doesn't help in the long run. So I hope you can get some medical help and then try to do some socializing eventually. For now, starting on this forum is great!

Thanks.

I'm unsure where to start. I'm trying to get to a more social lifestyle but it extremely scary. 

[awi]

21 hours ago, crazyputer said:

I really don't know how to make friends or even how to interact with people. I've found being alone has been easier but I think I need some medical help now.

for what it is worth I think you are doing great and are a very likeable and friendly person. keeping you company during this part of your journey.

[awi]

21 hours ago, crazyputer said:

The nearest town to me right now is 240km. My electric 4wd motorhome only has enough battery charge to do 80km then need 12hr of sun to recharge. If I wait another 2 days I can make it to the town. 

I want to goto town because I'm in constant pain in my neck and back. The pain has been slowly progressing down my back from my neck to my hips. I know my back and neck were beaten by my abuser so I'm thinking it's because I wasn't treated when it happened my abuser wouldn't allow any treatment. 

Hi friend I have severe back problems, and it affects my neck.  I have often wondered about having this because of the perp that hurt me as a child.  Anyway.  I have found that it helps to put hot packs on my back like seedy bags.  If you don't have any you can just use rice in a sock with a knot at the end and heat it up in the microwave for 3 minutes max.  Plus, Tylenol even if it doesn't take the pain away completely it can take the edge of it. I have lived through a labyrinth of pain.  It does get better sometimes it takes a long long time.  Good news is it does eventually subside.  Though I needed lots of pain meds and adjustments for years.  I finally only take Tylenol when I need it.  I sit really straight in a chair and make sure my desk is at the right hight.  You are an incredible brave person, and I am so glad to have met you.  You inspire me.  Sending gentle thoughts your way.  Sitting with you

[crazyputer]

I don't have access to any pain medication but I've driven 180km today towards the town and a medical facility. Also now I'm in phone coverage so I've been trying to get an appointment tomorrow with any medical facility. 

I've never injured myself since I was released from the hospital 45 years ago. So all the pain I have now can only be related to what I received in my abusive childhood. I'll let everyone know after I've been through the medical examinations. It seems to be hard to get into see a doctor if you have no fixed address.

[awi]

2 hours ago, crazyputer said:

 

how great you drove all of that and will get an appointment.  I have stayed up all night with abdominal pain and got an appointment for the early morning.  You inspired me to be brave and just do it. I have been struggling with pain five days and have to get it checked.  keeping you company

[crazyputer]

I'm driving into town right now so I'm there early in the morning so I can be on the standby list to see a doctor & nurse. It appears if you don't have a fixed address you can't register at a doctor therefore you can only have a visitors appointment and there's no vistor appointments for 12 days. So get there park in the carpark overnight and eat cold food as I won't have enough power to cook food.

[missfrier]

Dear crazyputer

 

Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.