Newbie!

[Raisin11]

Hello, I'm brand new here. Actually, I'm brand new to these types of forums in general. I recently joined a different forum after failing to correctly register here, but decided to try this again after noticing the banner about the registration issues :] Second time's the charm, in this case.

I'm 32 years old, or "29 for the forth time", as I like to say. I enjoy writing, mid-2000s emo music, and being secretly a pretty good dancer.

I struggle to call myself a "survivor" for the same reason it took me so long to try to reach out and find a place in the community. My story isn't one of trauma and fear, more of heartache and confusion. I have always felt that I don't have the right to stand beside the people that have been through such physically abrasive things, and i still largely don't. I believe my experience is apples to oranges to many of the ones I've seen and heard. 

But, I believe that maybe I can still find and offer comfort in a community like this.

In the other forum I mentioned, I'm currently working through journaling my story. It's been immensely helpful. I have an addictive personality, and I find myself very much fixating on this newfound experience at the moment.

I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. He died in a car accident a few weeks after my 20th birthday. 
Our relationship leading up to that was incredibly complicated and definitely not healthy. I was devastated when he died, and still am for the most part over 10 years later. My grief is blended with this nagging sense of unease; I won't call it guilt or shame, just a quick stabbing sense of embarrassment.

[ActivistAlly]

Welcome to After Silence Raisin11!  I'm glad you found us but sorry that it had to be for reasons dealing with the issues the site is for.  There really is no comparing traumas and so I believe you have as much right to be here as anyone else regardless of how much or how little suffering brought you here.  This is a warm and supportive community and we're here to support you!  I hope you find this type of forum helpful to you!!!

[Raisin11]

I know, and I agree. I just have a very complicated relationship with verbiage. Even "trauma" has always felt like it didn't fit. I had a counselor argue with me about this, telling me constantly "Call it what it is", but I've always felt like a fraud calling it "rape", "assault", "abuse". I understand it is inherently those things by definition, but there is a lot of complexities surrounding my experience that makes those kind of "not my truth", if that makes sense. I feel more comfortable with the labels like unhealthy, inappropriate, toxic. It's not trying to lessen my experience, more about trying to present it to myself in a way that doesn't feel disingenuous. 

This forum seems great so far :] 
Thank you for being a part of the team that makes it possible

[MeBeMary]

Hi Raisin and welcome.

I'm sorry for what you experienced, regardless of how you decide to label it...or not label it. It took me a long time to come to terms with my own experiences, calling it just a terrible mistake. You don't need to label it anything you aren't comfortable with here. We still welcome you to be with others that struggle, that are processing and trying to find a bit of healing. 

I'm glad you did decide to reach out now, despite the issues of our registration board last year. We are here for you. Feel free to take your time and look around. 

Mary

[Raisin11]

@MeBeMary Thank you very much :]
I wish the psychological community had your understanding!

I'm hoping I can help as much as be helped, I'm happy to be here 

[WannaMoveOn]

3 hours ago, Raisin11 said:

My story isn't one of trauma and fear, more of heartache and confusion. I have always felt that I don't have the right to stand beside the people that have been through such physically abrasive things, and i still largely don't. I believe my experience is apples to oranges to many of the ones I've seen and heard. 

Hello Rainsin11, and welcome to our community! I am Wanna

This community recognizes the none-physical aspect of trauma as well, including stalking, being manipulated, bullied by family or a partner, religious pressures etc etc. I myself am a survivor of mental abuse growing up, and while it's harder to explain what happened when the abusive parent didn't lay hands on you, I feel understood by members here. 

This is a safe place for you to connect with fellow survivors, and share what you'd feel comfortable to. There's no pressure, you decide what you'll post about. Our community is composed by kind people. 

Just let me know if I can be at any help, I am just a PM away. Meanwhile, take gentle care. I am happy you've deiced to join in here

W

Edited March 11 by WannaMoveOn

[Raisin11]

4 minutes ago, WannaMoveOn said:

Hello Rainsin11, and welcome to our community! I am Wanna

This community recognizes the none-physical aspect of trauma as well, including stalking, being manipulated, bullied by family or a partner, religious pressures etc etc. I myself am a survivor of mental abuse growing up, and while it's harder to explain what happened when the abusive parent didn't lay hands on you, I feel understood by members here. 

This is a safe place for you to connect with fellow survivors, and share what you'd feel comfortable to. There's no pressure, you decide what you'll post about. Our community is composed by kind people. 

Just let me know if I can be at any help, I am just a PM away. Meanwhile, take gentle care. I am happy you've deiced to join in here

W

You guys are pretty great at rolling out the welcome wagon :]

I really appreciate all of this support right out of the gate! I've honestly been obsessively journaling my experience, trying to take it from the emotional clouds of abstract thoughts floating around my head and organize it into real words and phrases; something tangible that I can look at. It makes me feel both sick and exhilarated 

Thank you guys again for working so hard to provide this type of space :]

[WannaMoveOn]

7 minutes ago, Raisin11 said:

You guys are pretty great at rolling out the welcome wagon :]

I really appreciate all of this support right out of the gate! I've honestly been obsessively journaling my experience, trying to take it from the emotional clouds of abstract thoughts floating around my head and organize it into real words and phrases; something tangible that I can look at. It makes me feel both sick and exhilarated 

Thank you guys again for working so hard to provide this type of space :]

Yes, we know that joining a community can feel scary, so we want to make sure to offer all newbies a warm greeting  

Journaling sounds like a great idea. I know, sometimes we get stuck in circles, trying to understand what actually happened. Like grasp the words. Having a community of people who can relate helps, in my experience. 

[Raisin11]

@WannaMoveOn Exactly! I could have written this in a word document that never went anywhere, and maybe that would have been helpful, but being able to post it somewhere where people will actually read it (or at least might lol) makes it somehow feel more significant. I have a quote on my Share Your Story post that captures the idea pretty well. It was a quote from a user on a different forum

"I understand it’s partly about journaling your thoughts but it’s also about being witnessed in your pain and I think that’s an important part of healing"

As cheesy as it seems, it's totally right. People are social creatures and having an outlet that is both safe and social is an incredible thing. So thanks again :]

[WolfMoon]

Welcome, Raisin! I'm so sorry for what brought you here but glad you could find this supportive safe place ❤️

You have all the right to be here and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's here. I'm sorry for your father. 

Btw 2000s emo music is great haha. 

[Raisin11]

3 hours ago, WolfMoon said:

Welcome, Raisin! I'm so sorry for what brought you here but glad you could find this supportive safe place ❤️

You have all the right to be here and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's here. I'm sorry for your father. 

Btw 2000s emo music is great haha. 

Thank you, very much!

I'm glad you agree! I love that I'm starting to see "Emo Nights" pop up all over the place now, but I know 13 year old me would call them all posers 
Still, I'd love to put my bangs over my eye and go sing karaoke badly one of these days

[WolfMoon]

46 minutes ago, Raisin11 said:

Thank you, very much!

I'm glad you agree! I love that I'm starting to see "Emo Nights" pop up all over the place now, but I know 13 year old me would call them all posers 
Still, I'd love to put my bangs over my eye and go sing karaoke badly one of these days

Haha yeah that would be fun. I can't sing I think but I looove music, lots of metal but other stuff as well. If you'd like to chat sometimes about music or anything, your struggles.. you can pm me anytime!  

[Raisin11]

7 hours ago, WolfMoon said:

Haha yeah that would be fun. I can't sing I think but I looove music, lots of metal but other stuff as well. If you'd like to chat sometimes about music or anything, your struggles.. you can pm me anytime!  

I used to play guitar and sing, nothing that would get me on the radio, but always fun around a camp fire lol

Same goes for you! I'm never far and always happy to chat :]

[WolfMoon]

That's cool! I wanna learn to play guitar someday

[Raisin11]

28 minutes ago, WolfMoon said:

That's cool! I wanna learn to play guitar someday

You should! It's not as hard as it seems at first, you just need to give your fingers a bit to build some muscle memory x]

[systemsb]

23 hours ago, Raisin11 said:

Hello, I'm brand new here. Actually, I'm brand new to these types of forums in general. I recently joined a different forum after failing to correctly register here, but decided to try this again after noticing the banner about the registration issues :] Second time's the charm, in this case.

I'm 32 years old, or "29 for the forth time", as I like to say. I enjoy writing, mid-2000s emo music, and being secretly a pretty good dancer.

I struggle to call myself a "survivor" for the same reason it took me so long to try to reach out and find a place in the community. My story isn't one of trauma and fear, more of heartache and confusion. I have always felt that I don't have the right to stand beside the people that have been through such physically abrasive things, and i still largely don't. I believe my experience is apples to oranges to many of the ones I've seen and heard. 

But, I believe that maybe I can still find and offer comfort in a community like this.

In the other forum I mentioned, I'm currently working through journaling my story. It's been immensely helpful. I have an addictive personality, and I find myself very much fixating on this newfound experience at the moment.

I've been thinking about my father a lot lately. He died in a car accident a few weeks after my 20th birthday. 
Our relationship leading up to that was incredibly complicated and definitely not healthy. I was devastated when he died, and still am for the most part over 10 years later. My grief is blended with this nagging sense of unease; I won't call it guilt or shame, just a quick stabbing sense of embarrassment.

Welcome @Raisin11 I love mid 2000s emo music but early 90s is good too! I hope you find your place here that offers you comfort and a safe place. 

[Raisin11]

@systemsb I loved 90s music growing up, I used to read all about Kurt Cobain and think he was the most interesting person ever. 

 

Thank you very much, I really enjoy posting here so far :]

[WannaMoveOn]

On 3/11/2025 at 7:43 AM, Raisin11 said:

@WannaMoveOn Exactly! I could have written this in a word document that never went anywhere, and maybe that would have been helpful, but being able to post it somewhere where people will actually read it (or at least might lol) makes it somehow feel more significant. I have a quote on my Share Your Story post that captures the idea pretty well. It was a quote from a user on a different forum

"I understand it’s partly about journaling your thoughts but it’s also about being witnessed in your pain and I think that’s an important part of healing"

As cheesy as it seems, it's totally right. People are social creatures and having an outlet that is both safe and social is an incredible thing. So thanks again :]

I am glad you feel comfortable posting here