Hello

[Kia1]

Hello, I’m Kia. I found this platform looking for some support resources and a way to use my voice in a way that feels safe. I experienced sexual abuse all throughout childhood and extremely traumatic abuse and assaults throughout my adolescence years. I suffer with severe PTSD and non specific dissociative disorder now and am trying to pick up what feels like the scraps of my life. I feel like I’ve spent the last few decades of my life sleeping through a dissociative fog, barely surviving and recently I’ve gotten safe and begun trying to process these traumas. I don’t really know how to talk about things and I feel weird doing it now after so long, but I feel such a powerlessness in my life and I know I need somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings. To allow myself a voice. I don’t feel comfortable doing so with anyone in my life cause I have so much shame about how to try and talk about it, not like these things natural come up in conversation, so I guess I’m hoping I’ll find a way to be able to talk about the things I (don’t… but do) want to talk about. I think I have so much self judgment about even being able to talk or “wanting” to talk about it now cause it looks like I’m not really traumatized by it if I want to talk about it and think about it, or at least that’s a narrative I have, it’s probably not entirely true but I can’t understand or reconcile why something I feel so much shame about and never told anyone for decades couldn’t even say the words of what happened out loud even in different context, for other people, and now it feels like poison I need to pour out of me and I can’t handle the idea that people will perceive me as okay or more okay if I can talk about it now compared to where I was cause maybe it is a sign of healing and growth but it doesn’t feel better I feel worse and I’m terrified that I’ll lose the validation I get from my past/current symptoms as I move forward in my healing. This sounds so weird idk if it will make sense to anyone hopefully it does. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Kia and welcome. 

I am very sorry for the trauma you've endured and the struggles you face. What happened in your younger years was not deserved. You have found a supportive site with many understanding members. You are not alone. 

It often takes many years...sometimes decades, to come to realize that what we have denied has always been there. Not acknowledging it just gives an absence of reason as why we have struggled so. I too found this place after decades, at a time that I could no longer deny the trauma I've endured. You will find many others like us here, that used denial or disassociation from the trauma, only to discover it really hasn't worked so well.

I do want to say, as well...shame was never yours. Abusers reflect what should be their shame upon us and it's often difficult to shake. You did nothing wrong; they did. That said, I know how hard it can be share with others, especially if they don't understand what we go thru. 

Doubt almost always play a part in our struggles. You were a child...and trauma is not something a child will create in their head. It stems from something and even if the full picture is not clear, there is a reason why it's there. It does take time tho, to learn to trust your feelings and to acknowledge bad was done to you. 

Anyways...take your time and look around the site. Interact and share what you are comfortable with, knowing there will be no pressure or judgement. This is a safe zone for you. 

Wishing you many healing steps.

Mary

[Jee]

Hi Kia! I'm so sorry for what you went through, it's not your fault. 

I don't think anyone will think you are not traumatized because you want to talk about what happened. I think you should absolutely talk about it to the extent that you are ready and willing to. It just means that you are finally ready to process and work through what happened to you. 

Sitting with you. 

[MSB]

Hi Kia,

I read your post and I want to say that I an going through the exact same thing. My traumas occurred many years ago, and I am only now trying to process it. It's like living through it all again. Keeping it bottled up for as long as I did destroyed my life. I lost more than a quarter of a century. Its like I went into a coma at 16 and just woke up from it recently a middle aged woman. I have memories of the last 25 years, but it's like I am seeing images of someone else's life. I feel like I am still a 16 year old kid. 

The one thing I want to tell you is that your desire to talk about it is the healthiest thing that you can possibly do! You should not feel ANY shame. None of this was your fault, and the shame doesn't belong to us. It belongs to the monsters that hurt us. 

You aren't alone. I care, and many others here will as well.

❤️

[kookoo]

Welcome! You are not alone, and this is a wonderful place 

[HiddenHeart]

Hello, Kia. 

I am so sorry for the things you experienced that have brought you here. 

I have found AS to be a very safe place to find and use my voice & I hope you will experience that here, too. 

Please take as much time as you need to feel safe.

[missfrier]

Dear kia

 

Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[broken_but_trying]

Hi Kia - Welcome. 

I get what you're saying. I blocked out my assault for almost 20 years. When it finally hit me, I was destroyed. It's been a few years since I remembered. I feel the same - I feel like I need to spew all my thoughts and feelings sometimes but I don't know who to tell. My friends and family love me but I don't want to talk to them about it and they don't want to hear about it.

I find myself often worrying about what people think about me or my trauma. I worry people won't believe me or think it's not a big deal. 

Post as often as you want. The group here is really supportive.

[Robyn R]

Hi Kia. Welcome. Just because you can talk about what happened to you does not mean you were not traumatized. Many of us have a different situation and not every story of what happened to someone is the same. While I have a story of my own(why I am here), I don’t know what it is like to go through what you did. Sitting with you. 

[TonicTheBARD]

Hi Kia

THE SILENCE is Ingrained into all of Us. Or THREATENED into us.  I was Way too SHY to even use the Words to describe what had happened to me (no, that I had LET HAPPEN! Didn't realize I was Groomed) in front of my parents. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Misery. Self-Disgust and Self Loathing.. The List goes Ever On and On. Hard taking it ALL apart! Piece at a time.

Hope you find Relief, Comfort and HELP here!