Hey everyone I’m Kate

[Thatsnotmycircus]

But most people I know just call me KC. 

I don’t have any friends or family in my life to talk to about all this, actually I don’t really tell people about my past and my childhood anymore because why, they wouldn’t understand anyway. 

I was sexually abused from as far back as I can remember really, up til I was 13 and I escaped. My life has been kind of a rollercoaster, I’ve struggled with addiction on and off and it’s only really in the last few years I’ve gotten clean and tried to stop fucking my life up. 

Sometimes I wonder how my life woulda turned out if things were different. Like yeah I’ve made some shit choices and that’s my fault but how are you meant to live a normal life when pretty much all your memories of being a kid are just sex sex sex. 

Anyways. I have a dog named Shadow (yeah real original KC) and a cat named Baby. I draw, paint, eat too much junk food and that’s pretty my life lol. I hope I fit in here with you nice people but that’s pretty much it

 

 

[Sleepographer]

@Thatsnotmycircus welcome to a.s.

you will definitely find understanding here. we do what we can to cope with the things that were done to us. it can take a long time to recover, but i believe it's worth the effort. i have a long way to go myself, but being here has been greatly beneficial. it sounds like you've already been making some great strides in your healing. i'm glad to hear that. however i can help you i will be glad to.

 

[Thatsnotmycircus]

Thanks @Sleepographer, much appreciated

 

I don’t feel like I’ve even really started healing though. I tried for so long to fry my brain and block all the memories out but that didn’t work. And yeah now I don’t do that anymore and my life is more stable, but I don’t even know where to begin. It feels overwhelming to be honest.

Edited July 30, 2023 by Thatsnotmycircus
I can’t spell :/

[MeBeMary]

Hi KC, 

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you've endured and the struggles you face. It's unfair to be hurt and I'm sorry you didn't have the support when you were young. As a child you should have been protected...which is not always the case with children, as this site can attest. I hope you know what happened was not your fault and the resulting struggles are frequently common, because of it. 

You have taken steps in the right direction, even if you feel you've barely started. Finding stability is a start. Even reaching out here? That is a step. So, give yourself some credit. We know none of this is easy. 

Take your time and look around. I'm sure you well feel this is a safe and healthy place to be. Wishing you all the best as you find your next step...and your next...

Mary

[Sleepographer]

@Thatsnotmycircus at least i figure your body has been able to heal some since it sounds like you're taking better care of yourself. and you seem motivated to recover from trauma. i think you have a lot working in your favor from what i can see. if your furry companions are well behaved then i think they will help you a lot in certain ways. it seems to me that each person's recovery process can be rather unique. and our needs can greatly vary day to day. so please lean on us when things are hard. since i've been here i've observed more and more the value of support.

 

[Sleepographer]

@Thatsnotmycircus in case it's useful for you, if you haven't seen it, there's an "unread content" link underneath the search bar near the top-right corner of any forum page. the "unread content" link goes to a page that loads the most recently posted or commented on posts and blog entries, forum-wide.

 

[Thatsnotmycircus]

Thanks again @Sleepographer (I like that name btw). Most of the time they’re well behaved but they have their moments lol. They’re my reason for still being here really. I got shadow from the shelter after I got clean and then I found Baby after someone dumped her, probably cause she was pregnant. Idk how someone could even do that. 

And yeah I guess. I still look like a skeleton but it’s gotten better since I stopped using. I try to eat healthy and look after myself stuff but it’s hard you know?
 

And thanks for the nice words @MeBeMary. I still struggle with that, I know in some part of my head that it wasn’t my fault but I still feel like it is you know? Idk. But thank you  everyone here seems really nice so far.

[Sleepographer]

@Thatsnotmycircus no one has ever complimented this moniker before. thanks ^_^

i can definitely understand the difficulty of changing habits, even food and drink.

i figure we each have a body, mind, and spirit; and that building up one naturally helps the others along. i think that what we might call emotional trauma or mental trauma is largely damage to one's spirit. i figure that being around kind and supportive people will really help to build up your spirit, which i expect will naturally encourage and support you in all other parts of your life.

your interest in drawing and painting might really help at times too. any non-dangerous way you can express your inner feelings and struggles is valuable i think.

 

[Dawn76]

Hi KC, welcome to AS. I'm sorry for what's happened to you. You aren't alone here. There are so many people here who understand and can relate to what you have been through. 

Do you find painting and drawing helpful in your healing? 

 

[Thatsnotmycircus]

Thanks @Dawn76.

And yeah, it does help. It seems to calm me down and help me focus on one thing when my mind is spinning round and round and I can’t get my thoughts in order you know? I don’t really show it to anyone because it’s too personal but maybe one day. 

[ActivistAlly]

@Thatsnotmycircus

Hi KC

Welcome to AS!  I'm sorry that the things that brought you here happened to you but glad you reached out and joined the site.  I hope it will help you as you deal with the aftermath of what you went through and work on living your life as well as possible.

Sounds like you have some wonderful interests and despite what you went through it seems to me your spirit and warmth shine through. 

Good luck to you on your journey!!!

ActivistAlly

[Thatsnotmycircus]

@ActivistAlly Thanks for the kind words, I hope so too