I’ll never understand

[Blue84]

When I was 15, I was kissed and told by a 39 year old man that he was in love with me. At the time, I thought I loved him too. I don’t know how or where my feelings came from but I was convinced he was the best thing that could happen to me. From that point on, it was secrets and lies for over 10 years. When I eventually broke away from a sexual relationship, which was like pulling teeth, the emotional abuse/relationship continued for about another 7-8 years until I cut him off completely. I never told anyone the truth about what happened because I thought it was all my fault and that I brought it on myself. For years I was paranoid that he would tell those I care about and they would all abandon me. I’ve been in therapy for over a year and just now coming to the conclusion that I was a victim. I still feel responsible and feel guilty and am not sure I will fully understand how this all happened. When did the grooming start? How did I not see it? How did I not see what was happening to me? How did I stand by this POS and protect him at all costs? He took so much from me. All my firsts. I’m struggling to move on because everything was swept under the rug. I finally started telling my family about this a year ago, which has been freeing, but it’s like I feel my whole life has been a lie. This man got away with statutory rape, among other things. I’m left to deal with the confusion and guilt and disgust and he’s just…out there. My therapist thought a support group would help so I’m starting here.

[Six_times_seven]

@Blue84 I am sorry that you experienced trauma, it was unfair, undeserved, and definitely not your fault.  Many predators are gifted at grooming their intended victims and preying on their vulnerabilities.  
 

I am glad that you were able to get out of that situation and glad that you are reaching out for support. 
 

There are many people here who will be able to relate to your experiences, you are definitely not alone.

  

[missfrier]

Dear  blue

 

Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[MeBeMary]

Hi Blue and welcome.

I am so very sorry for the trauma you've endured and the struggles you have faced. None of this was your fault. At 15, you were just too young, and he was a creepy and manipulative older man. At 15, who would not like the attention and the thought of being in love? You were a normal 15-year-old believing this. Grooming, manipulation and control is what this guy's M.O. was...as it is for many abusers. They are disgustingly good at what they do. They show a fake persona until they lure us in. Then it's so hard to break from that.

It may have taken awhile, but you should be proud of yourself for getting away from him. This is no easy feat, especially after years of abuse. You are very brave...don't ever discount that! 

I am glad your therapist recommended a group like ours. You will find support, understanding and validation here. You did nothing wrong, and you deserve kindness and healing. Feel free to look around and interact when you are ready. 

Wishing you many more forward steps on this path we call healing.

Mary

 

[Dawn76]

Hi Blue, welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry for the trauma you have been through. It was not your fault. We are here for you and you aren't alone. 

💛

[Patti72]

Welcome to AS. 

You're not alone. 

Take care Patti 

[SociallyAwkward]

This guy sounds like a creep. I’m glad you broke away from him. A man who is damn near 40 shouldn’t be talking to high school girls. I’m 35 and couldn’t imagine being with a girl that young. I don’t even think it would be right to date someone in their early 20’s. We would both be in completely separate stages in our life. It would just be too weird, and as the adult in the situation he should have known better.

[missfrier]

Dear blue84

 

Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[Blue84]

Thank you everyone for responding. I don’t know how to reply individually since I don’t get much time to navigate this site often. I appreciate everyone that sent me a message. The guy IS a creep. I sometimes wish I could say that to his face.