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Posted (edited)

Hello, well im "Charlee" (not my real name but I really like it (shar-lee not Charlie) and im here because ive endured emotional abuse, SA, rape & coercion and I havnt really had many positive and safe experiences with men.. I now suffer with depression, anxiety, cPTSD, body dysmorphia and an eating disorder (and SH). 

For the longest time I didnt link any of these behaviours to the abuse, I didnt even know I had cPTSD till 2019, and didnt know what anxiety was till a few years ago, and ive been suffering for about 10 years now. Im not coping well with all of this trauma. A lot of the time I question myself about what im feeling -did I make it up, is it real? did I deserve it? is it my fault? Are my feelings real? Im sure you guys no the drill. 

I didnt know why I was suffering so badly, I knew what I went through was bad and not right and tbh pretty terrible but I really blocked it out and just "tried to move on". But its been 10 years now and I dont really feel like im further along in the healing process than when it first happened, except I suppose the shock of it all has turned into numbness. My most recent abuse was last year, and im really struggling to deal with what happened. Despite past traumas I honestly didnt think it'd happen again, but ive been told we're "easy targets" because we're more vulnerable, I guess it makes sense since I know that most people that suffer abuse dont only go through it once. 

For all the trauma ive been through I really really struggle to make and maintain relationships. I dont have a lot of friends and most people I meet and work with I keep at arms length and only remain acquaintances with rather than forming real relationships. I cant trust, that trust has been taken away from me and I dont know how I can ever get it back. Ive built up such strong walls and I really dont let anyone in. I dont feel safe with anyone, im uncomfortable in social situations, in truth I dont really feel safe anywhere except my room. 

My longest and most trusted relationship is with my cat Poppy (my thumbnail) we've been together for 10 years. I got her to help me cope with the first set of trauma and she's been my bestie ever since. 

I spend way to much time shut up in my room because I'm really afraid of the world now :shrug: on good days I like to rock climb and go to yoga classes, read, paint my nails- though ive been in a real depression and anxiety hole the last couple of months and havnt been able to entertain my hobbies, but im trying. 

So yeah, thats pretty much it, im glad I found this forum because no one talks about SA/rape/abuse ever and ive bottled it up so long and I just want an outlet and people to connect with. For now I cant connect in real life so an online community is what I need, I hope you guys can help me and me help you too :)  im really just looking for some support because ive felt so truely alone with all of this for so long 

 

Edited by Charlee
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Hi Charlee, 

Welcome to the community. I am very sorry you have reason to be here, but you have found a supportive site. What happened to you was wrong and so totally not deserved. There is never a reason for someone to hurt you, but I hear you on how they tend to zero in on vulnerable people. :hammer:  

I do see you've been looking around and getting comfortable, which is great. You see all the understanding and supportive members we have. You are accepted here and we are here for you. 

It's a big step to reach out. I am very glad you have. I am hoping you find many more steps as you move forward on this often times whacky road that we call healing. 

Mary

:supportu:

 

Also...Shyla says meeeow to your pretty baby, Poppy! 😺

6.jpg

 

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Hello charlee

 

Welcome to  AS.   I am sorry to hear that you've had to find us, but  glad you did.  I am sad to hear that someone you care about has experienced trauma.  It is always wonderful to see someone willing and wanting to help their family member or friend through this   difficult time.   Just being there for them and letting  them talk without fear of judgement is the absolute best gift you can give them.  Please know and understand that we are also here to support you.  I hope that being here will help you to be able to support your loved one as best as you possibly can.  Please lean on us for support if you need.  

 

Wishing you all the best!!!

missfrier

 

 

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Welcome @Charlee to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  A lot of people have trouble forming relationships after trauma.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn't your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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On 7/5/2021 at 4:59 PM, MeBeMary said:

Hi Charlee, 

Welcome to the community. I am very sorry you have reason to be here, but you have found a supportive site. What happened to you was wrong and so totally not deserved. There is never a reason for someone to hurt you, but I hear you on how they tend to zero in on vulnerable people. :hammer:  

I do see you've been looking around and getting comfortable, which is great. You see all the understanding and supportive members we have. You are accepted here and we are here for you. 

It's a big step to reach out. I am very glad you have. I am hoping you find many more steps as you move forward on this often times whacky road that we call healing. 

Mary

:supportu:

 

Also...Shyla says meeeow to your pretty baby, Poppy! 😺

6.jpg

 

She's gorgeous 🥰

Thanks for the welcome 😊

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16 hours ago, 8888 said:

Welcome @Charlee to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  A lot of people have trouble forming relationships after trauma.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn't your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

thank you 🙏😊

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Welcome @Charlee to After Silence.

I sorry that you've endured so much trauma.  I think many of us find it difficult to trust and connect with others.  For me, After Silence was a huge step in the way of healing because I realized that sadly, there are many, many of us out there and I was not as alone as I thought I was.  I hope it is the same for you.  

This is kind and supportive community full of people who understand all of it.  

Wishing you comfort and healing,

Gold Raindrops

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Hi, @Charlee - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry to hear that you, too, have reason to be here. It saddens me sometimes to know how many people this happens to. But, that being said, I am truly glad you found us and hope that this community brings you light and happiness! 

I also didn't link a lot of my mental health stuff to my abuse until recently so I know how that feels. I can assure you that your feelings are very real and very valid. 

I hope you're finding your way around okay! I'm here if you ever need anything :) 

Warm wishes,
Poppy

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