I'm back

[Dawn76]

Hi everyone. I'm not new here, I've been gone for a few months, but I'm back, alot of new names, I'm sorry for what has brought you all here. 

I thought I was doing ok, I thought i was handeling life ok, not great but ok. I got myself through day to day life in one piece, and have been there for my daughter and her health struggles.

My counselor had her own mental breakdown and was gone for 6 months, she's back now, but i don't know if it feels the same. I don't blame her for breaking down, even the strongest of people break eventually when too much is thrown at them. For her she tells me she cares too much and forgot about her own self care. So i think it's been making it feel more distant, not to mention the phone call appointments are all we can have now, we're still in a lockdown. 

I'm rambling I'm sorry, my mind is pretty scattered lately. My daughters health is getting worse, my father is in the hospital and i feel like im losing my shit, and im not ok, i can't keep it all together. My panic attacks are hitting me out of nowhere now, and sleeping is pointless, my mind just doesn't shut down. 

The only good news is my monster has moved away, and i wont have to see him again. Or be afraid to see him. 

[Finchy]

Welcome back to AS! I'm still pretty new here, so I haven't met you yet. I'm glad you returned.  

Though I am very sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through now. It sounds very difficult. I hope your daughter will be ok. Sending healing vibes and prayers to your father as well.

Sitting with you, if you'd like. 💜 It makes sense that you would be having lots of panic attacks lately, what with so much going on! And seeing as your counselor left to take care of her health, and now that she's back, she acts a bit more distant. I'm so sorry about that. Doing virtual/phone sessions is not the same as in person...I sure can relate to that. Sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. But at least that is good about your monster moving away. That is one very positive thing!

Sending you lots of support. I'm glad you returned. We're here for you!

-Finch

[MeBeMary]

Hello Dawn,

A mixed welcome back to you, as I'm sorry struggles still find you, but happy you remembered that you are always welcome here. 

Yes, the site continues to grow...another thing to have mixed feelings on, for sure. I'm sure you will get acquainted with many of the newer members, as well as catch up a bit with the older members. Kindness still reigns here. 

I am sorry about your counselor and I wished you still felt that original connection. Perhaps with a little time you will feel that way again. Hugs to your daughter and your father and you.   

Good riddance to the monster. I wish him karma of sorts and you continued healing.

Take gentle care, Dawn. 

Mary

 Back.     

[Dawn76]

Thank you for replying, it's nice to be back in a safe space where others understand how I feel. 

I'm hoping with time phone sessions will become easier, i find it so hard to read a person, without seing their face. I think i often take things the wrong way when i don't have that face to face interaction. Although i think i do it with emails as well.  My counsellors last email yesterday had the expression " sometimes you can be like a dog with a bone"  i have no idea if that's good or bad! My instant reaction is omg she thinks i'm a dog...obviously i should know better right? My second instinct is to think that she must see me as this annoying woman who asks too many questions and doesn't stop untill i'm satisfied with an answer.  I don't know if thats good or bad? 

My daughter has something called Dysautonomia and POTS.  Her autonomic system, that controlls almost all functions in a body, doesn't work the way it should. There is a long list of daily symptoms, but each day changes. One day she can be working and going out with friends full of energy, the next day she is bed ridden and can't function. The news this past week wasn't good. Her kidneys aren't working to filter her blood, and they don't know why.  Im scared for her, this isn't something Mommy hugs and snuggles can fix. I feel like I'm failing her. 

Thank you for the good thoughts towards her and my Dad. I was able to talk to him tonight. He didn't really understand me , so i just let him talk and enjoyed listening to him. We can't visit him in the hospital, they wont allow non patients in because of covid. So it makes it hard on him to not be able to see my mom or his kids. 

Thank you for sitting with me, it was a comfort to know you're there. ❤

[feralcat]

Welcome back Dawn! 

I’m glad you remembered that there is lots of great support here for you. 💙

 

[WannaMoveOn]

Hello @Dawn76. Good to have you back. What you tell sounds intense too say the least. I hope this place can cut you some slack. Yes, there are plenty of newbies, wonderful newbies  

 

[missfrier]

Hello dawn76

Welcome back to After Silence!  I'm so sorry that  things are still tough for you.   We are all still here to support you.  You don't have to do this alone.   Please remember that you are always welcome to lean on us  for support.  We are always willing to listen.

Sending lots of support,
missfrier

[8888]

Welcome back @Dawn76!  I'm happy to hear the monster moved away but am sorry to hear about everything else.  It sounds like you are dealing with a lot.  I'm glad you found your way back to us and hope you will find your time here to be benefical.  If you have any questions feel free to message me.  

[Patti72]

Welcome back Dawn.  I'm not sure if we've met.

I'm here to offer support and sit with you, but if ok.

Take care Patti

  

[Dawn76]

Thank you all for the amazing suport. 

It's been a bit of a crap week. A program i was refered it turned me down for intense trauma based counseling. They only accept patients who have gone through vitims services, a branch of the police department here in my province. I didn't go to the police when it happened. So i didn't go through victims services. Had i known there was so much more help available i may have changed my mind about reporting it.  

Now with my father ill, my daughters health in question, and only some of my family knowing, i was told i can still repirt him. My father doesn't know, and my brother doesn't know. They would be so hurt by my not telling them, and having only my sisters and mom know. They wouldn't forgive me and i dont know what the stress would do to my dad.  

Sometimes i really question my life choices . 

[feralcat]

That really stinks that you got turned down for intense trauma counseling. 
 

I think that we all do the best we can at the time of the trauma... it’s such a terribly difficult time... 

 

Have you talked to your mother and sister about the possibility of reporting your attacker? Will they support you? 
 

It sounds like there will be additional support available thru victims services   and probably advocates too...

But I think that the most important thing is to consider what would be best for you, and what would you like to do... And maybe afterwards you can consider the various reactions of your family and friends...

 

Also, maybe try to expand your thinking about other people’s reactions... You’ve said before that both your father and brother care about you, and I bet they want you to be as happy and well-functioning as possible... I’m hoping they would support you regardless of whether you report or not....   And maybe if you think they will both be very upset initially... perhaps you can also consider their reactions 6 months after you tell them, or a year or 2 afterwards...

It’s a lot to think about...

 

But again I think it has to be a decision you make based upon what you think is best for you...

Maybe you could talk to your therapist about it... 

And I’m always a fan of a good pro/con list...

Whatever you decide, you will always be supported here at AS. 💙

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by feralcat