First time reaching out

[SaraJane]

Hello everyone. This is my first time reaching out to any support group about what I've been through. I've seen a lot of support on this site and feel comfortable sharing my experiences and feelings. I'm not really sure how to open this, I've had a lot of different feelings over the years about what happened to me, and often these feelings come up when I least expect it. I was sexually assaulted at age 5 by a trusted neighbor, again at ages 18 and 21 by guys I was friends with, and again at age 27 by my boss who was a public figure. None of the people who assaulted me have been punished for what they did to me, or even acknowledged it. I live with a lot of anger over that, and the fact that somehow I allowed this to happen to me multiple times. I understand that none of these events were my fault, but I still feel at fault for it sometimes. I know I should feel empowered by the fact that I haven't let these things ruin my life, and that I've been able to find happiness and move forward from these horrible experiences, but it's not something you ever really get over, it's just always there with you in the background, waiting to come out at any given moment. I've learned how to handle these times and not allow myself to be overcome with grief and anger and shame, but it is still very difficult. I've spoken with a few friends about my experiences, but no one can truly understand the depth of the pain a sexual assault can inflict on your life unless they have also experienced it. I look forward to hearing from others about their courage and compassion as a survivor, and hope that I can provide some comfort and understanding to other survivors. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and for being here.

[abhaya]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you @SaraJane, but I am glad that you feel safe here and I hope you find it to be a supportive place!  Sitting with you, if you would like. 🙂

[MeBeMary]

Hello SaraJane,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the traumas you have endured and the struggles you face. I am glad you know that you know that these experiences were not  your fault, but understand the struggle to maintain that thought process. I think we all have, at one time or another, have second guessed our actions and reactions. It truly is only the abusers' fault and we need to keep reminding ourselves of this.

I know it is difficult when we know they get away with it. I know that I struggle with this, too. Sadly, society hasn't made this an easy place to come forward. Sadly, most abusers do go free because we as survivors, are often re-victimized and looked at with scrutiny. Things always seem to have to align perfectly before we feel comfortable reporting and then trusting the legal system to stand by you. You are like so many here. We hate it, but in a weird way, come to understand why.

I am glad you do have some support, but also glad you have reached out here. The support you will find in this community is measurable. The understanding, kindness and validation is here for you. You are not alone. I am glad you have already taken a look around, so you know what I say is true. It still is a big step to reach out and I wish you the best on many more steps forward as you continue this journey of healing.

Mary

 

[JustCats]

Hi SaraJane, I’m new here as well. You have my support and I hope all of us can find a way to heal and grow. 

[missfrier]

Dear sarahjane

Welcome to After Silence!!

I'm sorry for what you have been through.  I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud.  Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted.  It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well.  Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

I am sending you lots of safe hugs! 

Take care!

[8888]

Welcome @SaraJane to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[Lisserjane]

Hi I  am new my husband died almost 3 years ago but I  am still struggling with the abuse he did in our 23 years of marriage.