Getting Started

[RinRuss]

Hello all,

I just wanted to make a first post to give a brief story about what's happened and what I'm currently going through. I am a now 23-year-Old woman who suffered abuse when I was a child into my early/mid teens. I never really got the support I needed from family or even friends, even when I did finally come forward and tell them what happened. I know now that many people just don't know how to react or handle learning something like that themselves but because of that, I've lived a life full of negative choices and regret. I can't blame my abuser any more for what has happened in my life because it was still me making the decision to do those things because I wasn't strong enough to really want better for myself. It's easier to give up than to give all of your energy and effort to something, but that is no excuse. I finally made the decision that I need to change. I'm currently married to an amazing man who always wants the best for everyone, even if he's a little off-putting sometimes, which I would tend to misconstrue as an attack and in turn would become aggressively defensive myself. I've taken him for granted and I've done many things, some very big things, to completely betray his trust and his feelings. We have a son together, he is 3 years old now and he is the light of my life, or at least, I love him as much as I could possibly love someone, but I'm not sure anymore that I truly know what it means to love someone because I've done so much wrong in my life. My son is too young to understand what's going on or what had happened, and for the most part he was never exposed to any of it or directly affected by my choices. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to know what it's like to be a functioning and motivated human, instead of having no drive to even get out of bed half the time. I need to do this for me, and more importantly for my husband and son. They need me to be a supportive partner and mother. When I'm down I drag them down too. I want to be able to lift us all higher. I want all of us to be happy again.

[patriciag]

Hi Rin welcome to AS. I am sorry for the abuse that you went through. I am sorry no one listen to you. I had to come back to your post many times and read it. You bring up one thing that that couldn't get out off my head. That is the word choice, I think to be in your early teens it is hard to understand that word choice. This is just my feelings but I do believe that you we were too young to make that choice about being abused. I don't know how old your abuser was.

It is so common for us who have been abused to think it is our fault, when it wasn't at all.

I was a young mom and I can tell you, you love your son very much. It doesn't matter what happened to you the love for you son is very real.

We are here for you, to help you in any way we can, we know what you feeling, you are NOT alone here.

Patricia

[reglois]

   

[phoenixxx]

Welcome RinRuss. I am sorry for what happened in your childhood. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for what happened after, when you didn't get the support you needed. I am not sure you can call them 'choices'. I made some 'choices' after what happened to me, which only hurt me further. In hindsight I can see that I was coping the best I could and I didn't know how to protect myself. Abuse has such a big effect on people. But I am glad that you want to heal and change your life for the positive. I hope AS can help you with that.

[RinRuss]

Thank you all for your encouraging words.

Patricia, to clarify I was around 10 when it started and it stopped when I was around 13 going on 14 and my abuser was 4 years older than me, but it didn't necessarily stop because I stopped it myself. I started saying no more but it did continue. Even today I don't understand why I didn't just say no completely. He even involved another person at one point so I essentially had two abusers, although it's difficult to give details to help you understand the full picture without putting too much info into this thread, especially triggering words and subject matter. There were mild threats and blackmailing involved but I feel as I got older that I should have understood that I had the power to say no and stop it all and yet I was still always too afraid to actually do it, for whatever reason isn't totally clear to me anymore.

 

Phoenixxx, In regards to your comment I would only want to say that I personally believe that I need to accept that these were choices, in the most raw manner of speaking, because until I accept that I have culpability in what I've done then I would continue to blame others around me for my issues and justify my actions because of what happened to me, as I've always done in the past. It may not work that way for everyone but at this point I need to accept the harsh reality of who I really am and understand that it doesn't mean that's who I always have to be. If I made the choice to do those things and be that person before, then to heal and be better I can make the choice to do that instead. 

 

Again, I appreciate all of your kind words everyone, and the support is so greatly needed. 

[patriciag]

sent you a pm

[angelic]

hello RinRuss

welcome to After Silence, i am sorry for what has brought you here but i hope being here will be a big help in your healing journey, well done for taking a big step in joining our community.,

take care, Paula 

[Struggling88]

Hi, RinRuss, and welcome!