survivor (Post #1) Hello, It Happened 29 Yrs Ago

MeTooo · July 20, 2016

Hello, I am new to this group. This is my first post.

I was raped 29 years ago at the age of 18. I delt with it by blaming myself for getting drunk. (Now, I know that's not true, he is the one who took from me what I did not give. He is to blame.) I never reported it, never told my parents. For reasons I can't explain, it's coming up and out now. I am feeling the pain, fear, and panic of my 18 year old self, NOW.

The nice people at rape call centers didn't know what to do to help me. I am having trouble finding people like me. Who understand how and why I was able to keep all these painful feelings hidden away for so long, because they did the same thing. I'm sure there are other people like me.

I hope to get help here. The help that comes from listening to other people's experiences and stories. The help that comes from hearing how someone was able to move out of the darkness into the light. I don't know how to change myself from victim to survivor. Thank you for reading this.

one more thing. I am old, and I am having trouble navigating this site. If anyone has suggestions of where to look, how to look, and what to look for, I'd appreciate it. I don't even know if I am posting this in the right place...

Edited July 20, 2016 by SignIn
Typos, clarity

MeTooo · July 20, 2016

So I said I don't understand how this site works.I've read the rules but my brain I guess is not understanding how to participate in this site.I really need help and connection and I get into the Acton and I get into the women's section. I may need a little hand holding by a monitor or a moderator or what ever you call yourselves. Please help me so I can use this site.I don't have any faith that anyone will respond.I tried to find out how to contact someone in charge and I can't figure it out.if anyone sees this is help me. Thank you

ceirsha · July 20, 2016

Hello SignIn, and welcome to AS. I am sorry for the things that happened to bring you here, and people will respond and help you. I haven't been here very long, but they have helped me, both directly and by reading the thoughts they posted on the message board. I would just start by looking around to see what topics were of interest to you, and read (and respond) as you find helpful.

I am also older, and I was raped when I was 19. Except for one short sentence to my brother 2 or 3 years after it happened, didn't talk about it at all until very recently...41 years later. I'm glad you know you weren't responsible for what happened to you...I thought I was too because I used to dance in the living room of our apartment where I could be seen through the sliding glass doors. (They looked out over a wide river, and only a peeping tom in the brush/small trees between the building and the river could have seen me). I told a friend, and my friends reported it, but counseling wasn't common then to the best of my knowledge, and it certainly wasn't mentioned by the police.

I think that in my case, I began to deal with it because I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I felt safe enough to begin to heal and want to live life fully. In the course of pursuing that, I managed to kick up a lot of old stuff that I am getting counseling to deal with. You can pm (private message) me if you are uncomfortable on this message board.

Nan

Edited July 20, 2016 by ceirsha
public forum

reglois · July 20, 2016

Hi Signin

Deary me you are not OLD I totally understand about blocking CSA and r... out, I did this for absolutely decades and it only all started to come out when my abusive husband died some 5 years ago after 45 years of hell. Brains are very clever at protecting us and only when they feel we are ready do they start to allow memories.

My dogs are my lifeline.

Whisper · July 20, 2016

Welcome SignIn,

I am also older and dealing with abuse from a long time ago, but not because I blocked it out. I note that you have a tag that says that you have two teenagers. The fact that you have children who are approaching the age that you were when you were raped might have something to do with why it is coming up now. Just something for you to think about.

MeBeMary · July 21, 2016

Hi SignIn.

Welcome to AS. I sent you a PM. Be patient with yourself. We will help you thru.

Mary

:notalone:

Tannyluck · July 22, 2016

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.

:aswelcomesu: :notalone: :youcanheal:

healingmary · July 24, 2016

Hi SignIn

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. None of that was your fault at all--it doesn't matter if you were drinking or not. It does not make what happened to you your fault at all. You did not ask to be hurt in any way, shape, or form at all. We all believe you here.

I kept one of my cases of sexual assault a secret for over a decade now, so it is not a shock to me that you've kept your case of sexual assault hidden for so long now. It can be difficult to open up about any of these things. AfterSilence has been helping me open up about my experiences. I hope you find healing in your life, and I hope that you find support and understanding from all of the members here on this site. :notalone: :supportu: :youcanheal:

~healingmary~

BrokenAngel81 · July 28, 2016

You're far from old. im so sorry you're going through this. When do you start counseling?

you can pm me anytime, even though my rape was only 2weeks ago and a few hours ago, my "friend" did it.

hang in there

MeTooo · July 30, 2016

On 24 July 2016 at 11:37 AM, healingmary said:

Hi SignIn

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. None of that was your fault at all--it doesn't matter if you were drinking or not. It does not make what happened to you your fault at all. You did not ask to be hurt in any way, shape, or form at all. We all believe you here.

I kept one of my cases of sexual assault a secret for over a decade now, so it is not a shock to me that you've kept your case of sexual assault hidden for so long now. It can be difficult to open up about any of these things. AfterSilence has been helping me open up about my experiences. I hope you find healing in your life, and I hope that you find support and understanding from all of the members here on this site.

~healingmary~

Thank you so much. I needed to hear everything you wrote. It is a relief to be understood, and it is a gift to understand, thank you, Carolyn

MeTooo · July 30, 2016

On 27 July 2016 at 11:36 PM, BrokenAngel81 said:

You're far from old. im so sorry you're going through this. When do you start counseling?

you can pm me anytime, even though my rape was only 2weeks ago and a few hours ago, my "friend" did it.

hang in there

Thank you for your kind support, my eyes are welling up especially because you have taken the time to respond and send me hope while you are still counting the hours of your rape. I will get strength from you and you can get strength from me. I've been in counseling for decades, and that shows you how deeply and carefully I burried it. I decided it was my fault and that was the end....until now. The thing about burried feelings is they are always burried alive.

You are wonderful. Signin or Carolyn

Edited July 30, 2016 by SignIn

MeTooo · July 30, 2016

On 22 July 2016 at 3:49 PM, Tannyluck said:

Hi and welcome to AS! I hope you find our community informative/supportive. I wish you well on your healing journey.

Thank you for your welcome and your hope. I feel too tired to journey right now. Can I go on a healing Netflix? JK. I appreciate your wish for my healing, and your support. Carolyn

MeTooo · July 30, 2016

On 20 July 2016 at 7:09 PM, Whisper said:

Welcome SignIn,

I am also older and dealing with abuse from a long time ago, but not because I blocked it out. I note that you have a tag that says that you have two teenagers. The fact that you have children who are approaching the age that you were when you were raped might have something to do with why it is coming up now. Just something for you to think about.

Thank you for your insight. I will ponder that. I always remembered I was raped, I just blocked out the feelings. I have been thinking about it more and I thought about 2 other reasons. The first is I talked with my niece last summer befor she went to her first year of college and told her what had happened to me. I wanted her to know that rape was real, and that she knows someone who it happened to and IF something happened to her, she could talk to me because I would understand it was not her fault, and not shame her and help her in any way she chose. I told her all of that not to scare her, but to give her what I didn't have at the time, loving support. The second thing was the rape at Stanford and the letter to the judge written by the victim at the sentencing part of the trial. With all that said, thank you again for your insights and your kindness. Carolyn

Lindab · July 30, 2016

Hi Carolyn,

Like you, this is also my first post here, and like you, I'm not quite sure how this site works :-)

I have a similar experience to you. I was raped 26 years ago and I didn't talk to anyone about it. I always knew I'd been raped, I just 'chose' not to speak about it. I didn't think that talking about it would help.... Recently I felt inspired to find the man that did it and give back to him the awful feelings I'd been carrying. A few different things in my life combined to make this happen. I went through a hurtful experience with my now partner, which we dealt with very healthily. I had never had an experience like that before and it gave me confidence that I could face something awful and be ok. Then the victim impact statement of the Stanford sexual assault survivor was published, and I was so INSPIRED and wished that it could have been like that for me (she was clearly very well supported, which is wonderful). I tracked down the perpetrator, and started working (again) with a counsellor. It has been a remarkable experience. On the one hand I'd say that it is because I have all the ingredients in place to be able to grow through this, that it came back up for me - a secure life, a supportive relationship, loving and capable friends, and access to counsellors, and trust in myself. But I know it has come up other times in my life and I just haven't been ready. Oh, I just read the last sentence of your last post, you were inspired by the Stanford letter too. :-) Hello!

I was really moved by the way she really clearly located responsibility with the perpetrator. When I tracked mine down, I really wanted to "give back" to him the memories I could feel locked in my body. I didn't really know how I was going to do it, I didn't really know how to think about it, or envisage what would happen. I found his son, who told me his dad had died 18 months ago. So I rethought my position. At first I wanted to 'dump' on the son and tell him what his dad had done. Thankfully, after a session with my counsellor it occurred to me that if I did that, the son was probably going to react defensively and I wouldn't like the response and I was potentially setting myself up to have a bad experience. And the point of all the work I was doing was to change things like that!! So I approached him much more gently :-) Anyhow, there is a space here somewhere for 'telling your story". I realised I just started doing that on your post. I'll go find it. :-)

I have had the privilege to work through understanding my story, with the support of my perpetrator's family, who also suffered at this hands. I never expected such a thing to happen and it has been incredible. I have also worked on it with a counsellor, and I have drawn in my closest friends and family and they have also helped me. I still need to 'talk it out' some more, and explore the impacts etc, which is why I'm here. I'm happy to dialogue with you, for our mutual help, if that sounds useful to you.

Linda

ps If anyone knows of a way to thank the Stanford survivor for the amazing job she did speaking out, I'd love to know.

MeTooo · August 3, 2016

I really resonate with how you trust and follow your intuition. I admire the confidence you have in yourself. I'm glad you told your story on my post.

I can see and appreciate how you balance trusting your intuition and getting help. That is no small feat. You seem to have made the transition from Victim to Survivor. I really want that.

Really believeing that it was not my fault and placing the blame where it actually belongs has been big for me and was what started me to take action. (Stanford helped me see this)

So, then I called a ra:(e hotline for the first time to tell them what happened to me all those years ago.

Then I created a ceremony which I did by myself quietly on the beach, near where it happened. The purpose was to acknowledge the truth of my experience, and all of the feelings I have about it. To send love to my 18 year old self. To tell her I understand why she blamed herself, why she never told. And to tell her I am going to do now what she could not do then...Take care of her, love her, not judge her. Finally I expressed my desire to heal and ask for the strength to do it. I have never done something like this before, I don't even know where I got the idea, but I needed to do something empowering, because I don't instinctively believe in myself. I also wanted to take the beach back.

Telling my story to people in my life that I trust has opened a door to kindness and support beyond my expectations. (Most don't live near me. My "in person" support is slim. I am especially disappointed with my husband. He is not happy with how my healing is affecting his life-----Another story for another day.)

I am getting as much professional help as I can because my feelings of this trauma from the past are as real and vivid as if it happened recently. Hello, anger, fear, helplessness, sadness, anxiety, and many more.

Your story also helped confirm something for me that started as a quiet whisper and has gotten louder and louder. Listen and trust my true self because this is MY HEALING PROCESS. (NOW I AM FEELING THE POWER OF WRITING IN BOLD CAPS!)

BTW, I never responded to your invitation to dialogue. Yes, I would love to:)

Carolyn

Edited August 3, 2016 by SignIn

MeTooo · August 4, 2016

On 20 July 2016 at 5:53 PM, reglois said:

Hi Signin

Deary me you are not OLD I totally understand about blocking CSA and r... out, I did this for absolutely decades and it only all started to come out when my abusive husband died some 5 years ago after 45 years of hell. Brains are very clever at protecting us and only when they feel we are ready do they start to allow memories.

My dogs are my lifeline.

Thank you so much for your support and your welcome. Feeling like I'm understood Is so important to me. Dogs have always been important to my life too:). They always loved me unconditionally and made me feel safe. As a child, I wished I was raised by dogs.

I like what you said about brains. I do trust the natural process of readiness, even though I don't always like how it feels and I'm not sure where it's taking me...lets keep in touch. Carolyn

MeTooo · August 4, 2016

On 20 July 2016 at 1:36 PM, ceirsha said:

Hello SignIn, and welcome to AS. I am sorry for the things that happened to bring you here, and people will respond and help you. I haven't been here very long, but they have helped me, both directly and by reading the thoughts they posted on the message board. I would just start by looking around to see what topics were of interest to you, and read (and respond) as you find helpful.

I am also older, and I was raped when I was 19. Except for one short sentence to my brother 2 or 3 years after it happened, didn't talk about it at all until very recently...41 years later. I'm glad you know you weren't responsible for what happened to you...I thought I was too because I used to dance in the living room of our apartment where I could be seen through the sliding glass doors. (They looked out over a wide river, and only a peeping tom in the brush/small trees between the building and the river could have seen me). I told a friend, and my friends reported it, but counseling wasn't common then to the best of my knowledge, and it certainly wasn't mentioned by the police.

I think that in my case, I began to deal with it because I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I felt safe enough to begin to heal and want to live life fully. In the course of pursuing that, I managed to kick up a lot of old stuff that I am getting counseling to deal with. You can pm (private message) me if you are uncomfortable on this message board.

Nan

Hello, and sorry for the big time gap in my reply to you. Thank you for identifying with me by sharing a piece of your story. I'm finding out what a relief it is to be understood and to know that I am not alone.

I definitely did not make a choice to deal with this now, but when I realize that emotionally I need to deal with something, I know I just have to get all the help I can, and go with it. I have a therapist and psychiatrist I see regularly, as well as a breathwork and energy healer, but like you, it has brought up other stuff and also the feelings I repressed for so long. Somedays I feel like I can't function at all. Dealing with it doesn't mean I like it. Also like you mentioned, I want to get better. I want to for me. I want to be a better mother, I want to create again, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and brain. I want to be the hero of my own story.

I'd love to keep in touch. I haven't figured out the PM Funtion yet, but I haven't figured out myself yet...Carolyn

MeTooo · August 4, 2016

On 30 July 2016 at 5:26 AM, Lindab said:

Hi Carolyn,

Like you, this is also my first post here, and like you, I'm not quite sure how this site works :-)

I have a similar experience to you. I was raped 26 years ago and I didn't talk to anyone about it. I always knew I'd been raped, I just 'chose' not to speak about it. I didn't think that talking about it would help.... Recently I felt inspired to find the man that did it and give back to him the awful feelings I'd been carrying. A few different things in my life combined to make this happen. I went through a hurtful experience with my now partner, which we dealt with very healthily. I had never had an experience like that before and it gave me confidence that I could face something awful and be ok. Then the victim impact statement of the Stanford sexual assault survivor was published, and I was so INSPIRED and wished that it could have been like that for me (she was clearly very well supported, which is wonderful). I tracked down the perpetrator, and started working (again) with a counsellor. It has been a remarkable experience. On the one hand I'd say that it is because I have all the ingredients in place to be able to grow through this, that it came back up for me - a secure life, a supportive relationship, loving and capable friends, and access to counsellors, and trust in myself. But I know it has come up other times in my life and I just haven't been ready. Oh, I just read the last sentence of your last post, you were inspired by the Stanford letter too. :-) Hello!

I was really moved by the way she really clearly located responsibility with the perpetrator. When I tracked mine down, I really wanted to "give back" to him the memories I could feel locked in my body. I didn't really know how I was going to do it, I didn't really know how to think about it, or envisage what would happen. I found his son, who told me his dad had died 18 months ago. So I rethought my position. At first I wanted to 'dump' on the son and tell him what his dad had done. Thankfully, after a session with my counsellor it occurred to me that if I did that, the son was probably going to react defensively and I wouldn't like the response and I was potentially setting myself up to have a bad experience. And the point of all the work I was doing was to change things like that!! So I approached him much more gently :-) Anyhow, there is a space here somewhere for 'telling your story". I realised I just started doing that on your post. I'll go find it. :-)

I have had the privilege to work through understanding my story, with the support of my perpetrator's family, who also suffered at this hands. I never expected such a thing to happen and it has been incredible. I have also worked on it with a counsellor, and I have drawn in my closest friends and family and they have also helped me. I still need to 'talk it out' some more, and explore the impacts etc, which is why I'm here. I'm happy to dialogue with you, for our mutual help, if that sounds useful to you.

Linda

ps If anyone knows of a way to thank the Stanford survivor for the amazing job she did speaking out, I'd love to know.

So somehow I posted this as a reply to myself instead of to you....