A New Me

[TLCFinallyFree]

Hello Everyone,

Wow it has been over six years since I posted on this site which helped save my life.  I first came here working through childhood abuse.  Over the years of chatting, I realized I was not merely in an unhappy, bad marriage.  I was being very emotionally and sexually abused by my husband.  All I ever knew was abuse since the age of three.  Even if I was not being abused.  The abuse I endured markedly affected me.  While I always appeared to be a happy child and teenager, that was merely a persona that a very terrified innocent inner child trapped within maintained to be safe and never have those horrible things I believed I caused come out into the light.  For decades I took the blame for my abusers abuse.  Thankfully, after breaking my silence I learned better.  They were family secrets that I was taught to keep quiet.   My parents did not discuss it even with me so I must not discuss it either.  Finally, after over five years of intensive in and out patient therapy I was able to save that inner child and wounds began to heal.  Then the reality hit me that my husband was abusive.  Many had mentoned it but being the dutiful controlled wife I had learned to be to keep peace for 22 years, I denied it.  Finally, once I confronted my husband life took a new turn and I indeed knew I was in an abusive marriage.  January 18, 2010, I packed a bag, moved into an abuse shelter, and began the most difficult battle of me life.  I have been single five years.  I own my house and have filled it with precious furbabies.  

Recently, I have realized that I am stuck.  My ex was not always abusive.  If you ask him he never was but that is an entire different topic.  We have two now adult sons and many happy memories.  He and I agreed to disagree about him but the truth is I can not accept that in my mind.  I will never disagree.  What happened to me was abuse.  I honestly have no interest in being with anyone else and may never, but need to figure out how to move on without forcing myself to stuff the bad and focus on the good.  Stuffing works for a while but there is still a big wound unhealed.  Every now and them something triggers me about my ex and I totally become unglued.  At least my other abusers did not ever say they loved me.  My ex quickly remarried but says he will love me until he dies.  So, after six years with a lot more therapy I am back.  Unfortunately getting divorced meant I lost my amazing insurance and mental health care by the government lacks a lot.  I found many answers and much support here in the past.  I know I am safe here and safety is of the utmost importance in my life.  I very much limit who is now in my life.  I am finally free of my abusers physically but have to figure out how to mentally compartmentalize my married life in a healthy way for me.  

For years and the sakes of my sons I have pretended to like my ex and even cheered on his marriage with an ironically very controling wife (Gotta love karma).  The truth is I can not stand him, actually despise him.  His wife has been very cruel to our sons and their fiances.  She is not a nice woman at all.  They even have separated but neither wants another divorce so they will stay stuck in their situation.  I am sorry if I sound horrible, but my friends have told me for six years to sit back and let God take care of things because I could have made life difficult for both of them with things I know.  I think about it but that is not the kind of person I am.  I prefer to help not destroy others even if they have wronged me.  I know I have to come to a place of forgiveness for me not him.  I know I have to stop glorying in his bad luck or do I? I am back so I can hopefully find the support to figure out how to become 100% free.  It would be so much easier if he never loved me, if he even knows what love is.  I just can not understand hurting the person you are suposed to love so much.  I was afraid I would always love him but finally can say I feel no love that in itself is a major victory.  I am looking forward to meeting new people as I continue in my healing journey and hope I can help others as well.

[blondi]

Welcome tlcfinallyfree you have taken a very important step to taking your life back. I hope you feel proud of all you have accomplished. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi tlcfinallyfree.

Welcome back to AS. Six years may seem like a long time, but it does seem you have started your healing process, and I am so happy for that. I usually tell all the new members that this is a safe and supportive site, but it seems I do not need to tell you that. Perhaps the only difference now is that there are many more members and there have been recent technical updates to the site. But you are definitely welcomed back to to the community. I wish you well as you continue your journey.

Mary

 

[SociallyAwkward]

So many sad introductions..... This one is a success story. I love it.  

I am so happy to see your winning your battles. Keep fighting on fellow survivor.

[crushedflower]

[angelic]

hello and welcome to AS

[Tannyluck]

Hi and welcome back to AS! I'm sorry for the traumas that led you here, but I'm glad you decided to come back. I wish you well on your path to healing.