New - Struggling With Old Wounds

[ziggy13]

Hi everyone. In the past month or two, I've become aware that something in my adult past could be considered sexual abuse, and I'm having a very difficult time understanding how I could deny it for 9 years or how I let a partner do that to me. It's something that has always felt embarrassing, and I have pushed it down. There was this weird a-ha moment that came recently, but I am still struggling with feeling like it's real or that what happened is what it is. And it's awful because I'm so involved in activist organizations for everyone else, and I would call it what it is for anyone else. I'm just kind of looking for some kind of validation through future posts and reading others' stories to help me have the courage to admit it to myself and heal.

[MeBeMary]

Hi Ziggy,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry that you are becoming aware of trauma that you have suffered. It's not easy, I know. You would be surprise how many of us deny it and pretend it didn't happen or wasn't real. I also believe it is always easier to call it out for others than it is for ourselves. It may even be easier because we see in others which we deny for ourselves, but it's there in us, denial or not. Please don't be to hard on yourself, as I think it is very common to want to help others, more than ourselves. You reached out today, which is a huge step. You are seeing that you want and need to heal. Guess what? You deserve to heal. I wish you well on your healing journey.

Mary

[ziggy13]

Hi Ziggy,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry that you are becoming aware of trauma that you have suffered. It's not easy, I know. You would be surprise how many of us deny it and pretend it didn't happen or wasn't real. I also believe it is always easier to call it out for others than it is for ourselves. It may even be easier because we see in others which we deny for ourselves, but it's there in us, denial or not. Please don't be to hard on yourself, as I think it is very common to want to help others, more than ourselves. You reached out today, which is a huge step. You are seeing that you want and need to heal. Guess what? You deserve to heal. I wish you well on your healing journey.

Mary

Thank you for the support and kind words. It is comforting to hear that others deny it, too, and I think just identifying it gives me some relief. I'm hoping sharing in a safe space like this will help me talk about it in person in the future.

[patriciag]

Hi Ziggy, sorry that you find yourself in this place. Like Mary said this is very common. My sister and I were both abused by our father. I remembered everything ( thought I was the only one) my sister blocked it out for many years, then it came crushing down on her. She put the abuse in boxes in her brain with the help of a T unlocked each box. Our brain is an amazing thing it will do what ever it takes to protect us, it knows when we are ready to face things.

Welcome to AS and remember you aren't alone here.

Patricia

[louiseroi]

Welcome.Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.Its not uncommon to deny abuse for years and years.There are such taboos about it and no-one wants to see themselves as a victim,its hard but I think its part of the journey to becoming a survivor.Good luck.

[ziggy13]

Welcome.Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.Its not uncommon to deny abuse for years and years.There are such taboos about it and no-one wants to see themselves as a victim,its hard but I think its part of the journey to becoming a survivor.Good luck.

Hi Ziggy, sorry that you find yourself in this place. Like Mary said this is very common. My sister and I were both abused by our father. I remembered everything ( thought I was the only one) my sister blocked it out for many years, then it came crushing down on her. She put the abuse in boxes in her brain with the help of a T unlocked each box. Our brain is an amazing thing it will do what ever it takes to protect us, it knows when we are ready to face things.

Welcome to AS and remember you aren't alone here.

Patricia

Thank you both for the kind words. It is sad to me to relate for this reason -- sad that it is so common and so many people suffer. But hearing from others really is helpful because it does feel kind of crazy to just be sitting there and have this sudden realization that what happened was rape. Even typing it feels weird to know that people can see that because I've only ever thought it to myself. Thank you again.

[chant2012]

Hi everyone. In the past month or two, I've become aware that something in my adult past could be considered sexual abuse, and I'm having a very difficult time understanding how I could deny it for 9 years or how I let a partner do that to me. It's something that has always felt embarrassing, and I have pushed it down. There was this weird a-ha moment that came recently, but I am still struggling with feeling like it's real or that what happened is what it is. And it's awful because I'm so involved in activist organizations for everyone else, and I would call it what it is for anyone else. I'm just kind of looking for some kind of validation through future posts and reading others' stories to help me have the courage to admit it to myself and heal.

Hello Ziggy13. Welcome to AS! It is my wish that you find this site as helpful and healing as I have in my healing journey.

I am part of the NST (Newbie Support Team). What that means is that I (or any of the mods/admins/NST) can help/direct you as you learn how to use the forums. Should you have questions, feel free to send a PM to any one of the AS staff.

You've taken a huge step in reaching out. This is a big step in healing from abuse of any kind. Take all the time you need in sharing.

Know that you are not alone. I too survived r*pe in a relationship setting (more than once) and also survived other forms of abuse.

Am listening and validating you and your experiences.

Here is a link to the board guidelines and rules:

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=194#entry685

Here is a link regarding some privacy/safety issues that are helpful:

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=27269#entry218846

Sending healing energy your way.

~Chantel~

[Oliviabny]

Hi ziggy13

I'm also struggling with denial. Intellectually I know but sometimes I want to think I'm just being dramatic and it was my fault for not fighting more. You have to wrap your head around it at your pace. There is no rushing it. Take care of yourself!

[ziggy13]

Hi ziggy13

I'm also struggling with denial. Intellectually I know but sometimes I want to think I'm just being dramatic and it was my fault for not fighting more. You have to wrap your head around it at your pace. There is no rushing it. Take care of yourself!

It's comforting to hear others who are dealing with denial. It was a weird realization, playing it over in my head like many other times before and suddenly knowing what had really happened. Thank you for the support and best wishes to you in your own path to healing.

[louiseroi]

Yes, I think that the denial is a way of protecting ourselves from acknowledging the very real danger that we were in.That people who are frightened for their lives by an imposition of sexual violence will behave in ways they wouldn't, normally. I struggle with the fact that my r**s in my 20s triggered a suppressed memory of an episode of csa when I was about 10. Common to all experiences was a feeling that I was worthless, just a body to be used, and the easier I made it to be used the sooner I got to walk away.Dissociation played a part. It is still quite hard to accept quite how damaging this has been. But it helps to know I am not alone