New And Needing To Talk It Out For The Thousandth Time...

[FightingHeart]

I am 20 years old and have been trying to deal with all the memories that iv been scared with for the past 6 years. I was sexually harassed in 8th grade by a black boy on the football team, when the investigation was over I was told that after I came forward 3 other girls came forward saying that same boy had molested them. Then when I was 16 I was almost raped by a guy who was 19 years old. He tried to take my virginity and I managed to keep him from doing so. I was scared, trapped, and silent. There was not enough strength in me to tell him no, everytime I wanted to yell stop no words came out. I was trapped in that house for 3 hrs before he let me leave. I didn't know where I was, nor understood what had happened until 4 years later when I was sexually assaulted my freshman year of college by a guy I had only known for a day. for days after the 3rd incident (event) I was scared to leave my bed, I was paranoid everywhere I turned, I was shaking and scared and crying for days on end. I felt powerless and broken, he was rough with me, my boobs hurt, and my south side was sore for days. After that was when I began having my episodes where Id have all the memories and images in my head playing over and over like a movie. couldn't focus on anything, and I was depressed and upset and scared. It wouldn't stop until I fell asleep that night, and the next day I would feel depressed and drained, but the images would be temporarily gone. Those days would come once or twice a month, which lasted for a little over a year after it began. Then when they stopped I started having nightmares. everytime I would be asleep with my bf I would start shaking and trembling in my sleep. Id be reliving it in my dreams and id wake up scared silent, shaking and crying. the dreams changed little by little after I discovered the death of the guy who tried to rape me 5 years before. but sadly knowing he was dead didn't make me feel any better. once I gained that knowledge the dreams began to change. they first changed to him trying to kill me in different ways each time, then they changed to me trying to kill him, then they changed to me being in a room with no doors no windows, only a screen like on the outside of an interrogation room with me watching everything iv been through over and over again with his voice behind me pointing out all the things I didn't do, how it was my fault that it happened to me, laughing at me. Id still be shaking in my sleep in reality, and id wake up crying shaking and scared silent. I remember every single dream iv ever had about him. I cant forget them, just like I cant remove the memories of what I went through.

[lily23]

Fightinghard, I am sooo very sorry for what you have been through and for the turmoil you are in everytime your brain makes you relive what happened to you/ changes things in your brain. I know how hard and petrifying that is at times... You are not alone. It was not your fault. You can heal. Welcome to AS. I hope you fond the support and healing you deserve.

safe hugs (if okay)

[FightingHeart]

thank you, and I accept the safe hug. I appreciate it.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

[FightingHeart]

Thanks Found I appreciate it last night I had one of my episodes again. Couldn't get the Images put of my head.

[reglois]

if OK

[angelic]

Hello FightingHeart

welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here. I hope you are finding your way around the board okay, if you need any help please contact me any time

take care, Paula

[mariella47]

Hi fightingheart. Welcome. I'm sure AS will help you as much as it is helping me. I couln't read all of your post as it was too triggering. Sorry you had to go through all that. We are all here to help you when you are in need to talk.

Lots of hugs to you. Take care.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

You are so very welcome.

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

[thriving2]

Fightinghard,

Welcome. Nightmares and flashbacks plus the anxiety and fear are horrible to live through. I am so sorry you are suffering like this. What have you been doing so far to heal?

[FightingHeart]

im currently in the process of searching for a therapist or psychologist. my mom is helping me along with it too. and my bf is my rock, helps keep me strong, and reminds me its over when I have the nightmares.

[thriving2]

Having supportive people around you and a good therapist can really help. I think it also helps to know that you can heal and that you don't have to go through it forever. I repressed a lot of things until I was old enough to deal with them but once I did allow them to resurface and deal with them (with nightmares, panic attacks etc.), it only took a few years to heal and have been fine ever since. I recently published a book on healing and then thought that perhaps I should get into some groups like this to see if I can help others that way. When the anxiety and/or nightmares weren't too bad, I found that it helped to do some slow, deep breathing and that would calm me. Of course, there were times that I was beyond that and needed others to help talk me thru it. I'm glad you have someone to do that for you.