Some Clarification Please... My Childhood

[Els]

Hi I am new here and am after some answers I am too embarrassed to ask anyone I know.

I grew up in a very close family. Everyone shared everything with everyone. I am not sure if other families are similar to mine in this way and am way to embarrassed to ask someone. I hated being so close in the ways I describe below and this made me keep so much to myself later in life so I did not have to share. Some examples:

I remember as a teenager having thrush and my Step father and mother examined me down there. I remember being in terrible pain from the thrush and my Mum asked my step father to insert the thrush implement into me as he would be gentle and not hurt me. He did. Is this normal?

When growing up, my mum would also get my stepdad to check my breasts for lumps.

These are just 2 examples. Can anyone please help me out here. Ive been stewing over this for years and have, but will never ask anyone.

Thanks for your help.

[vakry]

Generally a teenager could handle her own treatment and check herself for lumps. If she did not know how to do that a doctor or a parent would demonstrate/explain it or maybe do it the first time, but repetitively is concerning. But my family is a little odd too.

My sister thought she felt a lump and asked my mom to feel (she's 23) for a second opinion. And my mom only felt the area thought to have a lump. Turns out it was nothing. My mom is a breast cancer survivor. So, it is a concern. Understandable. My family is weirdly comfortable with nudity and each other so.. me being in the same room was never a problem. I'd be brushing my teeth and suddenly I'd be barged in on by any on of them needing to pee or shower or whatever they felt couldn't wait too minutes. My mom would barge in to get laundry and I could be intimate with someone. She wouldn't look or anything weird. Probably did it on purpose. It would be as effective as throwing ice down my pants having my mom show up.. so yeah. That is normal. I know lots of family like that.

However... there was this time. A doctor didn't so much as say hello. He came in the room. He removed the diaper of my infant daughter and did an external vaginal exam. No explanation NOTHING. I'm guy. I only have basic ideas of necessary feminine exams and the only ones I was aware of happen after puberty generally. I was ready to deck him. He noticed and backed off and explained that sometimes things stick together down there in infancy. He said it's normal and nothing to be alarmed about and he was looking for that. He said that she might need some ointment put on it to keep it from sticking that's just applied topically with a finger. You want me to do what now? That's not happening. I looked into this. It is true what is he was saying. In girls if sticks it would cause a UTI and pretty sure that would be unpleasant, but generally it's not a concern and solves itself. It's rare any treatment is done for it. What he wanted to give me was female hormones that elder women use.... He wanted me to take female hormone cream and spread it with my finger along my infant daughter. The cream is not intended for infants so that's dangerous AND what if he told that to a pedophile? "But the doctor told me to do it...." ..... And I really would not be surprised if the parent got off easy for stupidity. Even in boys in infancy the foreskin does stick sometimes and could cause infections, but again rare. So he could be secondary sexually assaulting children! I made a huge stink that day about it. Everyone that could hear in that office heard all about it and I sent it up the chain too. He will not be a doctor. Thankfully my daughter has a doctor I really like and do trust. I have dealt with diaper rash so I understand some things happen that need some assist. I'm not unreasonable. I'm just really uncomfortable and paranoid. It's my biggest fear.

The point is there might be more involved in the story than you might know about. But still. That's not right at all. I'm so sorry....

[sjudmajo]

See responses below yours

Hi I am new here and am after some answers I am too embarrassed to ask anyone I know.

I grew up in a very close family. Everyone shared everything with everyone. I am not sure if other families are similar to mine in this way and am way to embarrassed to ask someone. I hated being so close in the ways I describe below and this made me keep so much to myself later in life so I did not have to share. Some examples:

Judith; Closeness in a unhealthy family Is not healthy. There are two different kinds of closeness. one with boundaries sexual etc and another that isn't.

I remember as a teenager having thrush and my Step father and mother examined me down there. I remember being in terrible pain from the thrush and my Mum asked my step father to insert the thrush implement into me as he would be gentle and not hurt me. He did. Is this normal?

Judith; No that is not normal. It sounds like my mother with a different part of the body. That is not healthy. Your mother an father had sexual boundary issues. Your mother should have never let your father do that. THat is her responsibility from before age 12. She can teach you how to do it. They teach -the doc teens how to do it and have info out there on it. So that is uncalled for.

When growing up, my mum would also get my stepdad to check my breasts for lumps.

These are just 2 examples. Can anyone please help me out here. Ive been stewing over this for years and have, but will never ask anyone.

Thanks for your help

Judith; again that is uncalled for., you were violated and your boundaries were violated. That is not how that Is handled.

sharing see below

BOUNDARIES

There are four types of boundaries that develop in human beings: physical,
sexual, emotional and spiritual. Physical and sexual boundaries are
external, while emotional and spiritual ones are internal mechanisms. Each of
these may be characterized by a position statement.

Physical
boundaries: I have the right to determine when, where, how, and who is going
to touch me. I have the right to determine how close someone is going to stand
next to me.

Sexual
boundaries: I have the right to determine with whom, where, when and how I am
going to be sexual with someone.

Emotional
boundaries: What I think or feel or do or don't do is more about me than it
is about you. Conversely, what you think and feel or do or don't do is more
about you than it is about me.

Spiritual
boundaries: I have the right to think and believe as I do. I need only face
the consequences of my thinking.

Boundaries
may be visualized as an inverted bell jar that exists around a person. It is
flexible and permeable. For instance, if I choose to hug someone, I choose to
allow them into my physical boundary, as they choose to let me into theirs. If
I choose to be sexual with someone, I choose to let them into my physical and
sexual boundaries. If I choose to share my deepest feelings, I allow a person
to enter my emotional boundary.

Allowing
a person access to ourselves, inside our boundaries, is a gesture of trust and
intimacy. We make ourselves vulnerable. We can either experience affirmation or
be wounded to the core. Boundaries offer protection from the emotional or
physical assaults of others.

Healthy
boundaries
though not perfect, allow a person to experience a comfortable interdependence
with other people, resulting in generally functional relationships and positive
self-regard.

Damaged
boundaries
operate inconsistently and often dysfunctionally. They are the result of mixed
messages and abuse, and are usually related to abusive relationships in the
individual's family of origin and/or relationships of choice.

Walls protect the person
who has constructed them but do not let anything in or out. This person lives
in a state of loneliness, possibly protected from the assaults of others, but
also prevented from establishing trusting and intimate relationships. People
with walled boundaries have generally been deeply hurt by others and have
erected barriers to prevent being hurt again by others' actions, thoughts and
feelings.

No
boundaries
is the opposite extreme from walled ones. A person with no boundaries is unable
to prevent unwanted intrusions and may be unaware that it is possible to do so.

At the very
least, sexual assault and abuse are violations of a person's boundaries. People
with healthy boundaries can have them damaged during assaults. Sexual assaults
have repercussions on all levels of a person's boundary system. It is for this
reason that healing from sexual assault and abuse is a slow and painful
process.

SIGNS OF
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

• Appropriate trust

• Revealing a little of yourself at a
  time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing

• Moving step by step into intimacy

• Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold
  until you check for compatibility

• Deciding whether a potential
  relationship will be good for you

• Staying focused on your own growth and
  recovery

• Weighing the consequence before acting
  on sexual impulse

• Being sexual when you want to be
  sexual--concentrating largely on your own pleasure rather than monitoring
  reactions of partner

• Maintaining personal values despite what
  others want

• Noticing when someone else displays
  inappropriate boundaries

• Noticing when someone invades your
  boundaries

• Saying "NO" to food, gifts,
  touch, sex you don't want

• Asking a person before touching them

• Respect for others--not taking advantage
  of someone's generosity

• Self-respect--not giving too much in
  hope that someone will like you

• Not allowing someone to take advantage
  of your generosity

• Trusting your own decisions

• Defining your truth, as you see it

• Knowing who you are and what you want

• Recognizing that friends and partners
  are not mind-readers

• Clearly communicating your wants and
  needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

• Becoming your own loving parent

Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love and
respect

[angelic]

Hello Els,

welcome to After silence, my name is Paula, one of the newbie support team here. I'm here to help you if you have any problems with the board, so please contact me any time. I hope being here will help you .

take care, Paula

[MahyaE]

Sjud.. I am new here & I really liked you post. It was very informative. Thanks!

[~FOUND~]

Welcome!