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Showing results for tags 'tw'.
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my husband's laughter has changed or maybe its just me. i dont know but i hear that laughter and i am flushed back to being buried in that basement or being passed around. im so sick at my stomach and so angry i feel like i could rip the flesh from my own body. the husband is good hearted. i tell myself when he forces things to happen that i dont want its not his fault, its just my issues. normal people should enjoy that stuff and i want to be normal. i tell him it makes me want to vomit and his response was he was ok with that. wtf?!?!?!?! i feel like i married my rapist.
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I dont understand the need for sex. i dont have it but my husband does and sometimes it becomes an issue. i do love him and i want to make him happy but sometimes the only way to do that is to do what i dont want to do. i fake it and do everything i can to get it over with quickly. sometimes i cant even hold back the tears but he either hasnt ever noticed or chooses not to mention it. i cant understand the frustration he seems to have when he doesnt get it and he cant understand my lack of need for it. sometimes, like now, i feel like i have no way out and i am back in that dark dirt and stone
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soooo.... husband and i have been at odds over a few things for a while. we both avoid because it is easier. tonight, apparently, i did not want things easier. i brought up a touchy subject between us. it didnt go well as usual. feelings were hurt. i left. later, i tried to call to smooth things over. that made things worse. husband pissed me off so i made the trip home to address it. worse to horrible. things came out of my mouth that i had kept to myself for two years. i feel miserable, not because i did it. i knew i would at some point because things have just bothered me for too long. i fe
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These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. Ther
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TW-swearing My best friend officially told me goodbye yesterday. He said he couldn't handle me anymore. I just wanted to tell him....I told you that! He said he would never leave....LIAR He said he was there for me no matter what....LIAR He said what happened was wrong....LIAR He just invalidated everything he ever said to me.....LIAR He knew he would hurt me so badly by leaving me......LIAR He knew I will self destruct....LIAR I no longer trust anyone because everyone lies....they lie to get what they want from you and then leave like fucking parasites!! I hate him but understand! I feel noth
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I'm 100 emotions but feeling none of them. My car's power steering when out tonight. I'm supposed to go someplace tomorrow and I just don't want to. I miss my friend and a few other friends. I'm just sad and all over the place! I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't cry. At some point, I think I need to process what I allowed to happen to me over the weekend but I don't know when. I keep seeing the guy's face in my dreams but I've no one to blame but me. I put myself there so I deserve everything. I know I'm acting out but I can't stop myself. Sorry
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I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tinder.....so I joined Tinder....well a part of me did. I met a guy and we hit it. He said that I was i
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TW for talk about sex When do I cross the line? I haven't had sex in forever and now I can't stop.(Ok, it's only been 2 guys so far) It's like I have this pent up, I don't know what and can't get it out. A guy that wants to get with me tonight asked me what did I like about sex......I told him I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm using it as a way to self harm myself. I can't cut but I can have sex with strangers....what the hell is wrong with me?! I've never been this way and now I am. I don't even feel anything. I'm not attached to them. I'm not having mind blowing sex.
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Trigger Warning-Please read if you are in a safe place.......I'm going to use swearing and talk about sex. I'm self destructing! I thought I was doing good but I'm not. I have to stop myself but don't know how. If you read my blog, you know that I've tried Tinder......the Virgin Queen has now officially been with 2 men besides her ex husband....actually I used to call myself a nun but now I've left the convent! =D I already talked about the first guy and how great he was. The second guy was fun. We had 2 days of fun. I still don't understand why guys need to kiss and complement women when they
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I can't anymore I just can't. I want to go to leave this planet. I'm so alone right now. I'm so useless I'm a waste of space on this this earth, why would I want to go on. This is stupid. I'm sat here, alone, distrort, clueless, scared, sick to death or everything. No one cares about me, and if they did or do, I'm either unaware of it, or I'm successfully pushed them away. I'm alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone alone - always alone. I was born alone, and I'll die alone. I feel the deep hurt again tonight - it's surfacing. I can't supress it tonight and I'm not in control. I don't know w
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I'm not sure where this is going so I figured I'd put the tag on there in case..... My first time was with my ex husband and I hadn't been with anyone else for 20 years. Then recently I joined Tinder (a hook up site)....I didn't know what to expect. I've horrible problems with men and have been afraid forever of having sex. The first guy who responded straight out said he wanted hot sex....it freaked me out and my others came out to take care of it. (They are the ones who signed us up for this site) I had a bad feeling and just didn't follow through. The next guy, the one I enjoyed 2 nights wi
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So, this is just from a topic I started, but felt I needed to move it here, to my blog. I've decided, I am going to start using this, as I discovered, I like being able to write about things. Well, type. I figure most people won't read this so it feels a little safe but also like I'm able to put my feelings out there, without actually putting them out there and effect people irl. Basically I feel a little anonymous and I don't think I can handle talking about this in real life. However, I'm hoping it will effect me in some positive way. I tend to keep my emotions inside, sure I have my breakdo
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ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and he is a good man and it would probably tear him apart to know how i feel with his behavior and with
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A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several times a week but when i finally tried to reach out to someone, no one is there. i have convinced mysel
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I don't think my ex boyfriend is a horrible-demon person, but he has hurt me in the past. He's 4 years older than me and I was 15- nearly 16 when we started dating. It was fine, sure there are things I regret, like drinking and drugs, but overall we treated each other great. As great as that kind of relationship goes. Anyways. A few months into are relationship, I got pregnant, with our now 3 year old, beautiful boy. Just coming to terms with being a pregnant teenager, who never could do anything right, could be a post of its own. But that's not what this is about. At first, after the shock a
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Some memories are haunting me tonight. Back when payphones still existed, I was 14. I walked to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and to call a crisis line. My step-father had just done it again and I was feeling pretty bad. I couldn't call from home because mom would have been pissed. I remember talking to a woman that really tried to help me. I just couldn't report it like she was asking. I remember a tall slender man with brown hair and glasses pulling up in a van. I remember telling the woman he was sitting there watching me and that I had to go. I remember her pleading with me to stay
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I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, on rare occasion, I become the one who cowers in the corner, babbling nonsense and screaming, "go awa
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I emailed my exchange students' counselor at school and she is now meeting with her to discuss why she is having memories of her attack. The counselor told her at the first meeting that she's new & is used to academic counseling only...I thought "oh gravy". But she stepped up, after the first meeting, the counselor did some research and is asking the right questions, she needs to work on her listening skills but I'm proud that she is trying to help my "daughter". Some of my other kids think I should share my story with her but I can't even post it on here so I told them it wasn't happening
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Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will follow them. This post discusses religion. That earns it a TW just on principle. Also, this is an extremely sensitive spot of mine. Please keep that in mind if you choose to comment. I'm sad. Very sad, There are a lot of different faith paths practiced in the Company. We've got pagans, we've got some who are just "spiritual", at least one who identifies as a White Witch, a few atheists. And several of us follow the path of Christ. I can't call myself a Christian anymore. The gap I see between the Word and the deeds
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Let me give some background, I host exchange students. I love them and consider them my own kids. Tonight my latest child told me about her life back home. She told me her dad hurts her & her mum. I'm worried about her. She is safe her for a year but she has to go back home to him. I don't know how to help her & don't want to start an international event. All of this has triggered me something fierce. My ex didn't hit me but some of the other stuff was reminding me. I want to help her but feel very paralysed right now. I just needed to get it out, sorry.
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My best friend went home a few weeks ago. I cried for the first week because I miss him so much. He's my rock when I need strength and I've needed a lot of strength lately. I remember some new things and he said they were the bad word. He keeps trying to get me to understand that it happened to me. I'm struggling so much with that because I don't believe it. The person who hurt me was my ex husband. I'm struggling because I've read that it's wifely duties.....I know Tumblr isn't the best place for advise but it does sometimes have good information but my friend says to stop listening to it. He
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A Question/any Thoughts/anyone Else Dealt With This?
ImScared posted a blog entry in ImScared's Blog
Things have been bubbling up inside me lately, my daughter just turned 21 and I've been thinking that maybe I'm wrong for keeping things from her about her father. I don't know. The last time she saw him, she was 4 3/4 years old. He promised to come to her birthday party. He called on her birthday to tell me to tell her that he wouldn't be coming. I told him to break her heart himself. I put her on the phone and he told her. I was left with the aftermath but we moved forward. I've never told her much about her father. If she asks, I try to answer to the best of my ability. Most of the time, sh -
Last night I met up with a friend from work, we went out drinking. I had just gotten there and the bar was spotlighting 2 drinks so you could get samples. I'm sure this guy didn't mean to freak me out but he did. He was an older guy and as I was getting a sample, he came up behind me and started talking to me. I jumped a bit. My ex would come up behind me so now I can't have anyone or anybody behind me. Like I said, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it but I wasn't aware of anyone behind me so when he spoke it upset me. I was careless by not paying enough attention to my surroundings. I had
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It's been a very long time since I've typed something here - last year I think. But my counselling is coming to an end and that really scares me. I don't feel like I've made any progress or even begun to let my guard down with her. I don't feel like I know her. The time has passed so quickly. We haven't talked about the r*** yet, but I think we're going to the next time I see her. I don't know if I'll be able to. I don't think I could tell a person face to face what happened, I feel like such a sl*t. I'm not sure I even know how to go about it, as I don't remember so much of it. I thi
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Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and do my best to follow 'em. On to the blog. For us, flashbacks and memories tend to come in waves. And when a new wave breaks, it is devastating. Many years ago, I handled the first wave...and did a damn poor job of it. Unable to control anything else, I controlled the body's food intake. And by "controlled" I mean stopped eating. Must have drove the parents nuts-- denying their kid food had been an effective tool in controlling her. Now here I was restricting...oh well. I think the body took some beatings over that one, but
