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Showing results for tags 'trigger warning'.
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trigger warning Installment Three: After
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
This is also posted in Share Your Story. The three installments are now posted in order there, and the board is now open to responses, but you may respond either here, or there, if you wish! As always, please heed the trigger warnings above - and thank you in advance for reading! Normal blogs will resume very soon, as my OCD self wanted these installments to be in order, without 'interruptions.' And so, without further ado: Installment Three: After It might make the most sense to say that this third installment began when I opened my eyes on the morning of October 5th in 19 -
Step I/Question I: Did you keep your abuse a secret? Part II (TW)
Freyja Lee posted a blog entry in Release
Step One — Question One: Did you keep your abuse a secret. Part II (Trigger Warning) After processing the first half of this question, I started to see the different levels of secrecy. Not only did I keep the abuse a secret from outsiders, but I also kept it a secret from my perpetrators. As a teenager, my brother's sexual abuse always happened in the middle of the night while I was asleep. I would wake up to him touching me, while touching himself and verbalizing his fantasy. I would pretend to stay asleep through the whole thing — as if I had no knowledge of what -
This is something I've gone back and forth on over the years. Was this sexual abuse?? If not, what was it?? Any personal stories or feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you have not read my previous posts/blogs, I have an extensive history of abuse/sexual abuse leading up to the summer of age 14. I know the previous abuse was the fuel for what happened. There was a family that lived by us when I was about 7 or 8, they were good friends with my dads girlfriend, that is how he met her. The couple had a little girl who was 6 years younger than me. My dad and his girlfriend par
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My ex and I called off our wedding nearly two years ago. Before I met her I truly believed that I would never be able to have an intimate relationship. With her help I moved forward and I had hopes and plans for my future instead of looking back on my past. I'd learned to manage my triggers. Then everything came crashing down. For once, it had nothing to do with my past trauma and I think that almost made it worse. My entire future was planned around one person. Believe me, I know that's not healthy but at the time it didn't matter because I'd convinced myself that's what you did when you got
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I spent 10 years telling myself it didn't happen how I remembered it. I had a tendency to exaggerate the truth when I was young. I grew to become so convincing with my lies that to this day I still second guess whether a memory happened the way I think it did. I was in a behavioral health center for attempting to kill myself when I was sixteen. I was in a room with nine other adolescents eating an afternoon snack when a nurse began to recount the story of a neighbor and friend who molested her. As she was telling her story I had a memory shoved into the front of my mind. The trauma I told myse
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Last year at the start of my college experience I was raped. The only people that know are my boyfriend and therapist. I hate talking about it. I am scared to tell anyone. I let this happen to myself a second time. The first time was just sexual assault not as bad a rape. But I let it happen again. I'm letting it affect me again. I am mad at myself because I trusted some guy and didn't trust my gut. I didn't feel safe talking to my parents and asking them to pick me up. I was in his room scared. I don't know why I let this happen to myself. This past month in March, I am officially three years
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It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fake. When I get that moment of calm, not needing to run around to deal with all that keeps me busy, I
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When I posted my story I wasn't prepared for the response I had so I appreciate every one of you that reads this. I feel less alone. So now I want to open up more to everyone. The first So most people know when you say no to someone who wants sex or say stop i don't want this it's considered rape. Well not me. My ex BF raped me I said no. I said stop. He didn't listen. If he would have done it with a condom maybe i would have been okay with it i don't know. I missed my period that month and went a few weeks thinking i was pregnant. I also suffered really severe stomach pains. Where was he then
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My Story I don't remember the exact age I almost want to say I was 18. I was sold in an online auction to some guy in Aussie. For those who don't know what Aussie means it means Australia. The guy paid half of my price promising to pay the rest. Well the rest never came. Now these guys were stalking me and the suggestion is it was someone who worked at the group home I was in who helped drug me and take me to a condo by some beach. I remember the beach smell. They tied me up and beat me with a belt and called me derogatory names. I wasn't really coherent because of the drugs I was g
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Hello, I'm a disabled veteran mom of two beautiful children. I'm going through a divorce from my estranged husband. He managed to get temporary custody (long story I'll get into in a different thread). When our daughter came home from spring break, she said some very concerning things that made me question my husband and I relationship. I ended up calling CPS. The CPS person said what was going on sounded like grooming. I always blamed myself for everything that happened in our relationship, so I decided to get a second opinion with an advocate yesterday. She opened my eyes and sugge
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Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didnt give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl w
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Dear “Friend”, I never thought you would be the recipient of one of these letters, but as I’ve dealt with all of this, my true feelings are becoming more evident. I blame you for this. I told you he was a bad person, I told you I didn’t want him in my life, in our lives. No one listened. You were all selfish, and after you were even more selfish than I thought possible. Instead of supporting me, you kept him in your life. You talked to him, let him think he had a chance to get in your pants. You took pictures with him and posted them on Snapchat, and when I blocked you, you to
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Even now I don't really want to admit it. Even with the people, I have told, those who know from the silent watching, I am not quite sure how to talk about it. Its a place that I don't allow my mind to go to, but at the end of the night, I always am sent right back to. So this is it, this is my breaking point of silent pleas for someone to listen. The relationship that I am talking about ended three years ago when I was a freshman in high school. He went to another school and in that way, there was comfort in people not knowing him. Not judging him based off me. The pressure just seemed
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Hey all! I am new to After Silence. Just under a week ago my best friend told me that he had been abused when he was about ten years old by his 17 year old brother. I'm the only person he's ever told and the only person who knows. He's struggling with a lot of the typical issues like blaming himself and feeling bad for the ways he reacted to it. He thinks that it is his fault because he was too weak, too trusting, and too easy. He happened to share a room with his brother and still does, so obviously none of this is true. He was groomed and was only in that situation because they shared a room
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Hello! This is my first time writing on a forum, so I hope I don't sound too much like a newbie! According to my therapist and life experiences, I have a severe case of complex trauma.***So Trigger Warning*** I was raped and sexually abused starting at a young age and leading into my early 20's by people who I trusted, for a span of probably 15 years, but was never believed (victim-blamed) by friends, family, my church, and the school I was attending. To say the least, I had no desire to live and no one cared. Carrying these burdens while trying to manage daily life struggles a
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Hi I'm alyssa and I am 21. I was sexually abused by my older brother. When I was four. No one knew till I was eight, and my parents didnt know till I was a teen. I was also molested by my step father from ages 11 to 17. No one believed me when I spoke up. I dont want to go into detail, not because I cant handle it, believe me I love telling my story to those that will listen. But I will keep it short as my story can be extremely triggering. I went through it all alone. I didn't get a therapist till this year, and I've handled the pain alone for 15 years. I was secluded as a child and nev
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When I sleep with a man, I close my eyes. I do everything I can to make it be over if it starts taking him too long. I do this even when its my decision and I came on to him; but it always feels wrong. The sweating grosses me out, the body hair, the awkward humping like he thinks he's rocking your world when all he's really doing is drying my out and causing awful friction. When I close my eyes, I don't have to see him anymore, and it separates me from the situation. I wondered when I started doing that; coming onto guys and then waiting for it to end. When I was 16, my first boyfriend P
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‘Too bad another guy spoilt my fun’ ... ’your so broken no one will ever love you like I love you’ ... ’never speak of this again with anybody else - no one should know this about you’ ... ’you are being over dramatic, get over it’ ... ’you are not fun anymore’ ... words that follow me and shape my life. Words that people have said in response to me telling them what happened. Words hurt
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I'm tired of feeling like I don't have any control for what happens to my body. I feel so helpless when things happen to me and I feel too weak to be able to stop anything from happening. I begged for help and no one did anything to stop him. They just turned away and pretended as if nothing was happening. We were on a bus, its not like they were just passing by and pretended not to hear me, they could see me in pain and uncomfortable. Maybe if I was a little bit louder someone would have helped. He followed me on my way home and all I can think about is that he knows where I live.
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I was doing so well for so long until recently. I decided that I should get help for what happened to me and by realizing that I need help I guess it has made me think about what happened to me. Since I have joined this community, my nightmares have returned and I am finding more and more triggers that remind me of what happened on that day. I thought that by reaching out for help I would be able to move past what happened and I hoped that I would be able to live with it easier than I am right now. I've been waking up the past couple of nights from nightmares. Every time my attacker is th
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trigger warning Was I surprised? Why, yes, indeed...
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Hello, friends. As many of you already know, I spend a good portion of every day just thinking. You could call it self-meditation I guess, but without the breathing exercises as most of my current thoughts do not warrant 'calming' breaths. I just find myself sitting silently, staring into space, and just zoning. This past week has been one of those weeks where a lot of thinking and reflection has been done. I am now finding that I'm feeling uncertain about some things - if not uncertain, then just plain confused. I'm probably confusing all of you right now, as a matter of fact, so I -
I don't know if anyone actually read my blog entries. But I have returned for the first time in a year or two.... what has my life been like.... well the super amazing guy I would write about ended up being abusive and the relationship ended thankfully. But after him, I was SA again. Not by my ex but by a guy who I thought was a good guy. We got a little too drunk (at least I did) and he did not listen to the word no. This was a week after I started college. Luckily this guy did not go to my college but... it was a bad way to start off the school year. After that incident I would drink Friday
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Because of you...a traumaversary letter.
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Dear Eddie, It has taken me at least five whole minutes to decide whether a piece of shit like you warranted a 'dear.' It was completely out of habit that I started this letter in the same polite, courteous way I would start a letter to anyone else. YOU, however, are not just 'anyone else.' I also debated whether or not I should use your name - I don't even know if it's your real name. Either way, I have decided that I want people to know exactly who you are - and unfortunately, using your first name is not even enough. This, though, is ALL I know about you. There are many app -
Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happened. the people in my circle knew and were cool with it, though i will say this sorority i thought a
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I can't read anymore. I love to read but I can't anymore. Every time I try I feel like my mind is clouded by too many thoughts and memories and I can't push past them and focus on the words. My eyes recognize them, they're familiar but they don't register as much in my brain. I read the same paragraph four times. My eyes don't want to focus on anything anymore, driving seems impossible because I don't feel like I'm anywhere. I feel like I'm floating somewhere just outside myself, performing tasks and answering questions like a robot. Saying things I think I'm supposed to say, going along with
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