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Hello everyone, I’m a 45+ years survivor. After all these years I feel like I’m starting back at square one. At almost 60 I’m finding my traumas are popping up again. Triggers are happening everywhere and I’m barely coping. I came here to find the support and understanding that I’m not getting in my everyday life. I’m not comfortable talking about my shit with most people. The few times I’ve tried have not always gone well, leaving me feeling even worse than before. I did seek therapy 30+ years ago and eventually found an awesome psychiatrist who helped immensely. I’m not wanting to go
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trigger warning Installment Two: The Party
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment Two: The Party I am now fast-forwarding, (or rewinding, depending on how old I was in your minds upon completing reading of the first installment) to when I was seventeen years old as I bring to you all, installment 2 of my story. This is the full, uncensored version of what was shared back in 2007. One would think that as time goes on, you’re likely to forget some details. While that may be the case for some, I WISH that was true for me. Time has gone on, but in some ways, remained stationary – frozen, almost- 17 comments
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- the uncensored version
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So I started DBT group therapy like a month ago. I was a little excited by the opportunity to learn some pretty basic mental health skills. I've always been really good at taking care of everyone else's emotional shit. The cost to me was most of the time my needs are dead last on my own list of priorities. I was a good friend to others just maybe not so much to myself. So, as the group facilitators explained it, it's learning ways to help you think about your mental health differently. A lot of the skills are pretty basic elementary school level self soothing, mindfulness, emotional regulation
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- group therapy
- therapy
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trigger warning Crawling out from under the debris....
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Well, folks… It’s been a minute? Or two? Or…like…six months? I have returned to this blog many times over the last six months with an itch to write. To vent, to yell, scream and cry on paper/screen. But, then, I’d close it out following an exasperated, ‘never mind.’ This is typical me, though. I tend to let things build up and then to sit down and write about it all will feel like a more daunting task because by then, there’s a lot that’s piled up and I’m more likely to be saying, ‘oh, yeah, and there was also THAT time….’ I suppose the moral of that story is to NOT stop tal- 3 comments
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- religion issues
- sexuality issues
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All this pain, Inside my head. I'm nearing an end, I might end up dead. I have an idea, That'll cost my life. But it's worth it for family, I must do the fight. The fucking bastard, Yea, the sexual abuser. I'm done with everything, No one doing nothing. I'm gonna fight, And by that, let's see. I know how to use a gun, I know where he sleeps. I'm gonna show up, Make sure he's awake. Look him in the eyes, Point the gun in his face. Say, "Goodbye, it's time t
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Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly. How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most? It's very irritating. *Possible Trigger* Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser. Such a wise choice, huh? The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help. Maybe the abuser will confess, right? We all hope for that, I'm sure. I won't get into everything, as it's pretty traumatizing, but t
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Friends, family, Maybe a bf for me. Anyone I like or am close to, I'm naive and can't breathe. When they ask me to do something, I do it without thought. Whatever makes them happy, Is all that really counts. Pic, or a selfie, Maybe audio or a snap. Everytime I try to say no, To them, it's a bunch of crap. They say they aren't unhappy, When I say no to them. Yet, the look on their face, Shows their patience cutting thin. And just as I am, Naive and not smart. I say yes to ever
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Fucking pissed, Losing my mind. I'm definitely gonna cut, It's happening tonight. Gonna cut and bleed, Just as I cry. Tearline, bloodline, Watch it all drip away. Feel the pain, Feel the burn. This is real, And it hurts. I don't care, Cut away. The pain is bad, Drives me to cut deeper. No regret, I'm fucking done. Cut so deep, I can't remember. Is there a vein? One or two. Maybe three, I don't care, If I cut, say I never knew.
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It's official, She's gone away. Blocked my account, Can't see my name. She left the doc, Both of them. Can't see her pic, Cause she's gone for good. Lost all her friends, She blocked them too. Even my close friend, Now she's fucking confused. Texting me like crazy, I'm going out of my mind. Blaming me for what happened, But said she's on my side? Said it's alright, She said it's all fine. "You did the right thing, I'm by your side." But she doesn't text me for
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Hi everyone. I'm not new here, I've been gone for a few months, but I'm back, alot of new names, I'm sorry for what has brought you all here. I thought I was doing ok, I thought i was handeling life ok, not great but ok. I got myself through day to day life in one piece, and have been there for my daughter and her health struggles. My counselor had her own mental breakdown and was gone for 6 months, she's back now, but i don't know if it feels the same. I don't blame her for breaking down, even the strongest of people break eventually when too much is thrown at them. For her she tel
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Have you seen my big-girl panties?
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
***Please skip this if you're generally uncomfortable with talk of periods, bleeding, medical procedures involving the female reproductive system. I'm trying to make this mild and non-triggering but you just never know. So proceed with caution!*** Okay, guys, I'm nervous. Ain't gonna lie, I'm seriously trying to swallow the lump in the back of my throat, with my new doctor's name on it. If the roles were reversed, I'd probably be the one saying, "it'll be all right, it's gonna be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but then it'll be over with...your health is more important than be -
So, I've had ptsd for a while now. Since the accident 9 years ago. I was moving when I got hit from behind. Like all my stuff was packed I. The back of my truck. And then my whole life just exploded. For a long time I thought my brain was broken. Like wtf was wrong with me that I could survive so much. So much neglect, abuse, just all the shit. All the very personal, directed at me shit. But a random asshole from outta nowhere hits me and my brain starts to crumble? Like it was so impersonal. Random as fuck. Why is THIS the thing that breaks my brain? And so I felt like that for
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- anxiety
- panic attack
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I'm on a roll, it seems, with these blogs. I simply have too much time to think these days. It seems it's all I do. When something baffles me - this is my drawing board. I'm reminded of the evidence room whiteboard with scribbled notes and pictures and the strings connecting one to the other....that is an accurate assessment of my brain right now. There's all this information, all these images. I know there's more to it, and so I'm constantly and obsessively going over it. Over, and over again. First off, I wanna thank those who provided me with the requested hugs and who checked i
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- three in a row?
- swearing
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fuck you and fuck your bullshit apology you can shove it up your ass
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Enter catchy title here...because I'm drawing blanks.
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Hello, all. Did you all enjoy NOT hearing about my schoolwork? I hope so, because I HAVE enjoyed not bitching about certain classes and papers that I really didn't want to write. Of course, these were for the 'required' classes not pertaining to my social work major and it would only be natural for me to complain about those. I will say though, that when I return to campus in a couple weeks, I'll be TRYING to refrain from giving my (former) Government professor a glare for giving me the only B grade of my last semester - it was a damned B-PLUS, he couldn't have let me have the A-minus- 11 comments
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- redefining abuses
- rape
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It would be nice to have a chance to sit down and deal with my current issues without more shit piling on top of it. I know it’s life but this whole journey is becoming to much again. It’s like walking down a path of broken glass, your feet are bleeding and all cut up and you turn down another path only to find out there’s more glass on the road. You don’t have any other way to go so you have to keep going forward even though there’s glass on the road and if you go back there’s still gonna be glass on the road! To add to the bullshit I now might be a diabetic. I’m experiencing
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- mental state
- swearing
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Writing out these thoughts has been tough, not just because I'm finally coming to terms with a part of my childhood I forso long hoped would just disappear, but I'm having trouble putting it down in words. And I know that at some future date when I am comfortable with the idea of sharing this blog's contents with Ls and Lb, I don't want to hurt them more. Even now, all these years later, I'm trying to shield them from the pain my csa may cause them. I know I'm not responsible for it. I cannot continue to play the roll of preschooler RR, taking care of everyone else's feelings like my own don't
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- emerging memories
- sa
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I've been writing this blog for a while now and I have a few observations. Some were expected, others surprising. Occasionally (either while I'm just thinking about what to write or, much less often, while I'm actually writing,) when something happens that reminds me of mychildhood - a smell, a sound, etc) I burst into tears, reminded of how I felt as a kid. It's been happening several times a week. This usually only lasts a few minutes. I feel profoundly sad for the young RR. It's like I'm feeling all this now because I'm allowed to feel this now. Sometimes I don't know what the myste
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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have come to the conclusion that my mother wasn't just merely neglectful, did not just simply "fail to protect me." She actively sexually abused me. I have a knot in my stomach as I write this. Today was the first time I've ever said that out loud. I said it to my T. I've always thought about it in terms of her being mean and rough and slapping me around. For some reason I've never seen it like that before. I've been thinking and thinking about it and can't really call it anything else. There's a word for it. A heavy two word term. I
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It is a good day. My husb and I are in town at Walmart shopping. I remember we were in a good mood, flirting with each other. Unsuspecting, we casually walk down the deodorant aisle. Like bees we sample some of the offerings, slightly opening the lids just a crack, enough to smell the contents, sharing the ones we liked, then jamming the sticks back in those springloaded deodorant holder thingys. "Do I want to smell like this?" "How about this one?" "Do you want me to smell like this or this? Which one is better?" "I don't know...which do you like better?" I lik
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Hi I'm Yib. I'm just a girl that a fucked up thing happened to. Its been over 10 years, but it I didn't even come to terms with it until like 5 years ago. Guess I'm finally ready to talk.
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Out of milk, bread and flexibility.
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Hi, all! I REALLY should be studying for final exams right now. I do have three this week that I'm NOT toooooo worried about, content-wise. I know the material, I'm confident I'll be fine with these three. There will be two next week that this coming weekend will be devoted to studying for. Although I'm likely fine, the over-achieving side of me is thinking, 'I am NOT finished until I turn in my last final exam...' I came home from school today (we had a snow day yesterday) with intentions to open up a book and start cramming as much information as possible into my brain - but sa- 3 comments
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- swearing
- mommy issues
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Hello numbness, it's been a while!
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
Hi, everyone. It feels like the last couple of months has gone by in a blur. I'm starting to realize the true meaning of the statement, 'too much time on your hands.' When I had it, (it being time) my mind wouldn't shut up. I had so much more to say. I looked at things sooooo differently. I'd have TIME to sift through whatever was swimming around in there - now, all that's in there is numbers, formulas, political definitions, social work case studies (hypothetical ones), papers that would be coming due, and the neverending, bottomless threat of that thing called 'exams.' Never mind- 3 comments
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- traumaversary
- possible triggers
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trigger warning Installment Three: After
Capulet posted a blog entry in A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate
This is also posted in Share Your Story. The three installments are now posted in order there, and the board is now open to responses, but you may respond either here, or there, if you wish! As always, please heed the trigger warnings above - and thank you in advance for reading! Normal blogs will resume very soon, as my OCD self wanted these installments to be in order, without 'interruptions.' And so, without further ado: Installment Three: After It might make the most sense to say that this third installment began when I opened my eyes on the morning of October 5th in 19- 1 comment
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- spousal abuse
- domestic violence
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