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So the weekend is ending. I was supposed to rest and be gentle with myself. Turned out opposite. On the bright'ish side, I slowly started to realize that I was raped. I knew that logically, and remember it. But strangely, after this long time, I had this small realization how badly I got hurt. I also realized that I've been triggered today and on other occasions, and didn't know it's a trigger. I believed that I was freezing because I'm some kind of non grown up old wuss... My mindfulness practice was off today. I dissociated like hell.

Thanks @ShyUnicorn.

@VioletBloom Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you have reasons to sell help here. As a relatively fresh person on this forum I can tell you found a good supportive community. Take care!

Hi, @angelsliveon. Welcome to the forum. I find this place open and safe. I'm sure you will be heard here.

The Sunday didn't start well. The tension between me and wife will most likely explode later in the day.

Yesterday was a crappy day. I felt worse after therapy day earlier plus I had a lot of friction with my wife. I let myself cry a bit in the toilet.

Welcome here @mermaidfairy. It's great you're not giving up on healing yourself. Reporting is only your decision to make. I've never was able to report mine. It felt impossible for me. My therapist only briefly asked how I image telling about it to my parents, hypothetically, and I got very anxious and couldn't tell. As for the healing. It takes time and requires patience and a lot of self compassion. remember to be always kind to yourself and don't judge if there is seemingly no progress and you feel stuck. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your getting better journey.

Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it. It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction. The worst, I think, was when My therapist suggested writing down my memories to process them. I guess it's the best place. I hope all

Thank you @mermaidfairy. After first proper session I literally felt my brain in my skull. It can be intense sometimes. I hope your therapy will turn out well and your brain won't feel like a bag of rocks afterwards.

Together with my therapist we think I'm ready to go back to EMDR. My attitude and expectations have shifted. Previously I looked at it as fixing a long broken bone. So basically break it again and put back in order. It was a task. One that can be failed, and which I've been failing. Despite going round and round in my memories I couldn't find any emotions regarding them. This time I'm finally free of this success failure mentality. I will take one last look behind and leave them in the past. If I happen to feel something regarding them then good, but nothing will happen if I don't.

Thank you all. Yes, looks like my nervous system calmed down @PlumSundae

I returned to work. I'm surprised how calm and relaxed I am in contrast to how I felt 2 weeks ago when I decided to prolong medical leave.

Yesterday wasn't a good day. I didn't have time for myself despite informing earlier that I plan that.

Well, here I am writing blog. I'd never think I would do one. Doesn't hurt trying I guess ...

Hello. Welcome here!