kiley

(tw talk of suicide briefly and online grooming) if i had to ask the man who sexually exploited and groomed me online anything, i'd ask him this: how did you sleep so well every night, knowing i was hurting because of you? was i the only one? i think i know the answer to the last question, but i don't want to hear it. i want to believe that i was the only child you ever hurt. in a perfect world (since i can't change the fact i was hurt), i was the only one you ever talked to this way and you realized after i blocked you that you were a horrible person and you killed yourself. i would

I often have dreams about him. The other night, I had a dream that I was on snapchat again. I went to my snap memories and scrolled down. His photo was at the bottom. I had a panic attack in my dream and I woke up sweating. It didn't look like him though, but I am not exactly sure. I am starting to forget his face as the years go on. Is this a good thing? I remember I felt scared, hopeless, but also relieved. I was relieved that I had finally gotten a picture of him again that I could use to report him. Matching everything that I remember about his life to a face would help me get more ju

Lately, I've needed to go to therapy much less. I'm not sure what this exactly means. Am I getting better, or am I just tiring myself out with work and assignments that occupy my mind, so I don't think negative thoughts anymore? I like to stay busy for this reason, but I do think I am healing. I can forgive my sister, the countless men who took advantage of me, and myself. But I'll never forget. I'll never forget how my sister used to fight every day with my parents, gaslighting them to oblivion whenever they brought up her drug addiction. I'll never forget her bitter words. I know now that wa

My dad has always been here. He's always been physically present in my life, just not emotionally. It's known in my family that he never planned to have us as children. It doesn't mean he doesn't love us, but it's made it so I can't fully connect with him. When I was 14/15, I never really spoke to my dad about anything personal. It was all very surface-level stuff. Like how my day was or about a video game we both liked. I never really hugged him or said I love you to him. I do love him though, I always have. He's a great man at heart. These feelings of distance made me feel as though I

sometimes I get these overwhelming and intense feelings of anxiety and sadness at random times. I could be fine throughout the day, then suddenly something or nothing will trigger me to feel down in the dumps. It's been two years since I talked to him but it feels like its been only two weeks. my story is being groomed is one that I've felt so much shame about, mostly due to the feeling that I somehow brought it on myself. I was naive and vulnerable at the time, with little to no friends or a close relationship with either of my parents. I was seeking a strong connection with someone, and that