asparkofcourage
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I tell my parents my brother (abuser) is not invited to my house for the holidays. Now my family had two Thanksgivings and will have two Christmases to attend. One at mine and one at his. As soon as they leave my house, they go straight to his. Trying not to hate the holidays.
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I'm sorry that your parents do not see this as being unsupportive to you, by trying to have equal time with him. Being neutral can often be as bad as siding with the abuser and it seems like they have a blind eye to how this hurts you.
Struggling with the holidays does seems to be a common theme with many survivors. I do hope you manage it well enough, and it doesn't feel ruined by this.
Sending you positivity and support in hopes that that the next few weeks, not just Christmas day, is better than you hope.
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my mom to my abuser... "no one outside of this room has to know."
me: COOL THX 🙄
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trigger warning I think they went too easy on him
asparkofcourage posted a blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months. 1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12. She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone. I didn't remember telling her all this time. LAME. 2) I confronted my parents. They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger. My mom made some excuses for my brother like "boys do stupid things" "he was watching bad shows." etc. but eventually did apologize to me and understood I -
trigger warning EMDR Episode 3: My CSA Memory
asparkofcourage posted a blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Specified Memory: First memory of being sexually abused Distress level: 8 Memory makes me feel like no one cares about me. Worst part was looking at brother for help. No one helped me. No one cares about me. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 1: Brother putting a blanket over me and taking off my pants. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 2: He's touching me and making me touch him. ___________________________ -
trigger warning EMDR Episode 2: My Earliest Memory
asparkofcourage commented on asparkofcourage's blog entry in A Weight Lifted
I really didn't expect my mind to link so many events together! It's pretty fascinating. Good luck on your journey! -
trigger warning EMDR Episode 2: My Earliest Memory
asparkofcourage posted a blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards. My mom coming to pick me up. Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up. Everything was blurry because of my poor vision. _________________________________________________________________________________ -
trigger warning An Awkward Encounter
asparkofcourage commented on asparkofcourage's blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Thank you for your words. Hopefully I can avoid those kinds of situations until I'm further in my healing. Distance always helps me too. -
trigger warning The Body Keeps the Score
asparkofcourage commented on asparkofcourage's blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Yeah it gets kinda technical at times which I think helps distance from the emotions of the example stories. Reread parts you are more comfortable with until you are ready to move on or just think of it as you being in a class learning about science to help create a bit of a buffer. That's what I do. -
trigger warning The Body Keeps the Score
asparkofcourage commented on asparkofcourage's blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Its worth a read. I'm doing EMDR now. Just easy stuff before we jump into the more difficult stuff. Please let me know any updates if you are able. I hope you continue to heal! -
trigger warning EMDR Episode 1: The Bee's Knees
asparkofcourage posted a blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5. 54 bee stings. Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory : 1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me. There is a bee in the window. I'm terrified of it. I scream to my brother to kill it. Help me. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I'm crying for help. He d -
trigger warning The Letter that made me Disappear
asparkofcourage commented on asparkofcourage's blog entry in A Weight Lifted
Thank you for your words. It's nice to know I'm not alone. My abuse has ruined religion for me. So now that I don't believe in any after life, it frees me to tell people. He needs to be punished in this lifetime. I know I'm very lucky to have this letter. I hope your abusers inaccurate accusations don't keep you from seeking justice and happiness. No need to apologize. No worries. -
The newest book I've read. A lot of good information. Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable. Adding hopelessness into the mix. I definitely felt that way. In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it. In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother. Having that confirmation that I wasn't important, that I was a liar, or that I was essentially unloved, was totally emotional neglect. S
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trigger warning The Letter that made me Disappear
asparkofcourage posted a blog entry in A Weight Lifted
(Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing. The (manipulation) is masterful. Poor childhood self. You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had. Thank you for pulling through the awful time period. M****** (Me), I just received your letter last night when I got home from work. I know that deep down in my heart I was forgiven by you and I am so gracious for -
I've got some things to say to you both. Questions and general statements. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe my cousin? How could you not notice it? Or see my pain? Or protect me? Do you know I almost killed myself several times? Why would you think I'd lie about being abused? Can you sincerely apologize to me? What can you do to fix our relationship? Why can't you have a serious conversation with me? __________
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This is an excellent book. The author, Jody Plauche, was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week. His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport. This was Jody's story from his point of view. He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors. He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. Very inspiring story and its a very easy read. There are semi-graphic descriptions of his abuse, bu
