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abhaya

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Status Replies posted by abhaya

  1. Today is the first anniversary of my father's death.  We had a difficult relationship at times, but he was a good person, and helped me become the person I am today. He was a firm believer in justice, the value of our shared humanity, and kindness --especially to children and animals. I miss him, and the world he believed in and tried to bring about.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, everyone, for your kind words ❤️

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  2. Not feeling like myself. I want to be cheerful and motivated, but am dragging and detached from everyone and everything. I’m sorry for being MIA. I love and support you all. ❤️🌺

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending you friendship and kindness, and genuine caring for you just as you are. You are a wonderful friend, and a very good person, and you don’t need to do anything to earn my/our support. Glad you are ok (or ok-ish). ❤️

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  3. Today is the first anniversary of my father's death.  We had a difficult relationship at times, but he was a good person, and helped me become the person I am today. He was a firm believer in justice, the value of our shared humanity, and kindness --especially to children and animals. I miss him, and the world he believed in and tried to bring about.

  4. After all this time, just now starting to feel anger... not sure what to do with that.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, @8888, I appreciate the support.  I wrote about it a little in the venting section... It's not constant, but it is really scary to start to feel it, like some sort of monster of the depths just below the surface... so far I'm okay, just not sure I want to process this.  

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  5. After all this time, just now starting to feel anger... not sure what to do with that.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Yeah, I really don’t have a roadmap here, and I can tell I am only scratching the surface right now. Thank you for sitting with me. 

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  6. Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Oh, I hate having to pretend I'm okay when I am not okay.  I hope that you can do whatever it is that will help you feel cared for while still allowing you to feel however you're feeling.

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  7. i don't like being ignored

  8. Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      It's been a rough couple of weeks in my world too.  I don't know what will make it better, but I'm sitting with you, if that's okay?  And sending you support and kindness for whatever you're feeling right now.

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  9. Grateful to be with a safe and caring partner now, celebrating 6 years since our wedding day.  🙂

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Yay!  We ordered brunch delivery, watched a bunch of our favorite movies, reviewed our wedding photo album, and started imagining how we want to celebrate our tenth anniversary in a few years (travel overseas if that's possible by then).

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  10. Talked with old friends today. They are moving on with their lives... dating, getting married, having kids, etc. Meanwhile, I have wasted the past several years of my young life trying to recover from a mental breakdown and effects of trauma. I’m not  sociable anymore. This is not where I thought I’d be in life right now. I feel like such a failure... I’m feeling so much self-hatred and shame. 😢😞

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I think it's not negativity, I think there is a real sadness and loss that comes along with trauma.  I support you having whatever space you need to feel how you feel.  I don't think you're a failure, or that you've wasted your life, but I am sending you support and holding space for you to process the loss if it is helpful for you. I don't think feeling this way makes you bad, or a failure, just a human being who has been through more than anyone ever should have to.   Sending support and encouragement and kindness, my friend.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  11. Grateful to be with a safe and caring partner now, celebrating 6 years since our wedding day.  🙂

  12. Talked with old friends today. They are moving on with their lives... dating, getting married, having kids, etc. Meanwhile, I have wasted the past several years of my young life trying to recover from a mental breakdown and effects of trauma. I’m not  sociable anymore. This is not where I thought I’d be in life right now. I feel like such a failure... I’m feeling so much self-hatred and shame. 😢😞

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I resonate so much, it’s hard to think about what I have lost due to these traumas. Sending you support and kindness, and sitting with you, if okay?

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  13. I wrote about my dental appointment yesterday, I know it's a lot of writing, but I could use a little support if folks would be willing to comment on it, please?

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks for the reframe, I've gotten pretty in my head about this one.  That's really helpful.

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  14. I wrote about my dental appointment yesterday, I know it's a lot of writing, but I could use a little support if folks would be willing to comment on it, please?

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I don't mean to complain... I think I just feel so vulnerable sharing these things sometimes, and I know I write a LOT when I do... but then there's a part of me remembers what it was like to be invisible and I start to wonder if I've done something wrong or offended people....  I know that's not real, and that people here are good... but then I just feel so dang clingy and needy to want responses... <shrug> Anyway, I get myself all tangled and I know it's not necessary, just old programming... Thanks for listening and responding.

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  15. I wrote about my dental appointment yesterday, I know it's a lot of writing, but I could use a little support if folks would be willing to comment on it, please?

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, @BrightSide, even just this helps me not feel like I'm shouting into the void.  Please don't feel pressured to read my post if it would be triggering, I appreciate your support here. Thanks. 💛

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  16. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Hard. It was really hard. Thanks for checking in. 

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  17. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

  18. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks so much, friend.  Thankfully he was able to move mountains and will be able to drive me tomorrow, so at least I'll have my support person with me throughout.  That will definitely make things a bit easier. Now I just have to deal with the impressions again....

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  19. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

  20. Well, I'm still having pain a week later, so I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow.... plus they have to re-do the impressions which I find overwhelmingly triggering.  Not looking forward to it at all.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Yes, please.  My husband's work schedule means that he won't be able to drive me there, so I will have to drive myself, and wait to take my anxiety meds until right before so I can be safe to drive... He will then take a public transit or uber or something to get to the dentist so that he can get me home since I won't be safe to drive after.  I usually have him with me the whole time because it helps me to feel safe.  I really like my dentist and he's always been safe with me, but I have to admit going there at the end of the day, by myself, and it'll likely just be me, the dentist and the assistant there at that time makes me feel really anxious.  Plus the impressions are so hard for me... I'm really not looking forward to it, but I'm glad to get the pain dealt with asap, so I'm going anyway.

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  21. Dentist appointment today, very triggered. Been struggling to be in  my body ever since. I am ok, and safe, but out of sorts. And very sore. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks, @Field8. I hate the whole process, even though my dentist is nice. Today i just couldn’t pull myself out of my body so it was really upsetting, even though i was trying hard to act like everything was “normal.” And the more distressed I got the more people started patting me and saying overly loudly and overly cheerfully “You’re doing great!!” 

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  22. Dentist appointment today, very triggered. Been struggling to be in  my body ever since. I am ok, and safe, but out of sorts. And very sore. 

  23. I started another thread, this one is what songs help you in your healing journey.  I hope you add to the thread because I'd love to have more songs to listen to!

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