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abhaya

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Status Replies posted by abhaya

  1. Life is really hard lately. I just feel so alone. On the outside, I appear calm to everyone. On the inside, I am screaming. I keep numbing the pain so I don't feel so lonely or stuck. Sometimes ending it all seems like an easier option. I promised my T today that I would keep trying though. It just feels like too much sometimes.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I know that I'm late in adding this, but I want to say that I care very much about you, and that my life is better for knowing you. 

    2. (See 12 other replies to this status update)

  2. Hello May. You bring flowers, and lovely weather, and one of my biggest traumaversaries. Deep breath. No wonder I’ve been having nightmares again. I hate this. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thank you friends.  I really appreciate it.

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  3. need someone to sit with me, having a hard time.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      sitting with you, sending kindness and support.

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  4. I am out of myself, short on words too. Sitters please? 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sitting with you, sending kindness and support.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  5. Anyone who sees this... pocket riders, please. everything is changing, I'm finally receiving support and honestly I'm scared to receive it. I can't fathom a life outside of running and hiding and being violated and frightened all the time. 

    I am returning to my home this weekend. My new attorney and his wife are going with me. It is a 4 hour drive and he wants to get a better handle on my case, and figure out what is going on, and how to secure my home, and possibly return to the police as we anticipate more theft and vandalism from my son and his friend.  That is the hardest part, not knowing what I have to face when we get there. I may have to go back to the police again, but at least I will not be alone. 

    It is so hard. Two years ago I was a normal person. Now I can barely even talk or be around people. I'm reactive, and scared to get in the car with them for 4 hours, even though they have gone to great lengths to help me feel safe and are trauma sensitive. 

    My son. My son helped do this to me. I found a location where I felt safe from stalker #1. My son promised to build me a house, so I could finally have a home to recover and heal. Instead he robbed me and left me in a field to freeze to death, and has been helping his friend destroy what little remains of my good life over the last six months. I just don't understand how or why he could do this to me. 

    I'm so tired of being in trauma. I don't remember what it was like to not be terrorized. It is 24 hour a day psychological r*pe.   

     

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Pocket riding, too, @sisyphus. Sending you support and kindness, reminding you of your deep inner wisdom and strength. We are with you, you can do this!

    2. (See 9 other replies to this status update)

  6. I just had a rough therapy session today. 😢 My traumaversary is coming up this Saturday. I'm feeling a lot of anger, sadness, and shame. I'm not sure how to handle it all.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending you so much support and kindness, @Enigma87.  I know how painful that shame is and I also feel 100% certain that it was not your fault.  You did not deserve what happened and you do not deserve blame for it.  Safe virtual hugs to you, friend. ❤️

       

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  7. Hello everyone ! How are you all doing ? I haven’t been here for a while , I was really busy with school and overall I was in a very bad place mentally . I thought about reaching out but I think I also needed some time alone . I’ve been slowly getting better and today I turned 23 . I don’t really care about my birthday , but I wanted to share my birthday wish with you . I wish for everyone here on AS , women , men and non-binary , to find a deep and everlasting love for themselves . I know how easy it is to let the self-loathing become the standard to how we see ourselves and how we think people see us . But it is not , all of you , no matter what you look like , are valid and beautiful . The scars physical or emotional will never take away the purity of your hearts and whoever destroyed or shattered your poor souls will never find solace . I wish for everyone to realize how important they are , how they matter , to me , to their friends , to their families , to their neighbors , their pets and anyone you have encountered who forgot to remind you how essential you are for them , not because they find you useful/helpful but simply because you are yourself . Which leads me to the last part of my wish (yeah it’s a long one) , I wish for everyone to realize that they are lovable ; I know we all struggle with this notion , often because we think “who could love me? There is nothing to love about me” I struggle with this too . But we are , there is so much to love about us , despite all your struggles and pain you are all so radiant . And again I wish for you to fall in love with yourself .

    I hope next year when I turn 24 , you will all come back to this little post , me included , and realize how much progress you have made . Wether it feels like stepping forward or backward it is still progress because healing isn’t linear . I hope when next year when I turn 24 , this pandemic will be over and you will all get much more stability when it comes to job , school , relationships (family , significant other , etc. etc.) and mental health . Whatever I do on my birthday , wether I’m eating a little cake or eating candies , I’ve always shared with others so I’m sharing with you all this little birthday wish , and I hope with all my heart it will become true (duh of course it will 🙄) . Take care everyone , love you all!

    (Oh and I know some survivors don’t celebrate birthdays because of their religious/spiritual beliefs , it’s okay my wish apply to you anyway HEHEHE , and sorry for the mistakes of course).

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Happy birthday, @seong98!  Thank you for sharing your beautiful birthday wish for all of us (including you!).  May it come true! 🙂

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  8.  I've tried not to post for ages, since hearing that my experience would deter others. But I really need help and support. My criminal case went horribly. It set me back a bunch. I don't want to influence anyone else, but I could sure use some support.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I am sorry that you feel your experience would deter others.  You are so worthy of support, and your experience matters and has value.  I know I struggle with similar feelings sometimes, but when I check in with the person I am afraid I've harmed most of the time they didn't even remember the conversation and it's just me beating myself up.  I wonder if that might be true here too, and that you're not causing harm at all by sharing what you've lived through.  My feeling is that each of our stories make us so much stronger together, even if they include ways that the system continued to traumatize us.  I hope you feel welcome here.

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  9. Exam done, :party: I will be drinking tonight. :wine:Love you all 🧡

     

     

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Congrats!  Yay for getting through it!

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  10. Although I am addicted to being here I am taking a couple of days off to study and take an exam. :type: See you at the weekend 🧡 B

     

     

    498306f7183f6b05d033f4a16ea29f76.jpg

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Good luck on your exam, go get 'em!  You've got this!

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  11. Feeling lonely... It’s no one’s fault but my own though. I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m sorry i haven’t been around much. I’m sending out hugs and support to you all ❤️❤️❤️

  12. Feeling overly emotional.  Not sure how to cope!

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending support and kindness to you @8888 and holding a circle of safety for you to be feeling whatever you feel, or to feel grounded and centered if you need to pull back from the feeling a little bit right now.  Whatever you need, sitting with you and offering support. 🙂

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  13. Feeling lonely... It’s no one’s fault but my own though. I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m sorry i haven’t been around much. I’m sending out hugs and support to you all ❤️❤️❤️

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending friendship and kindness, and safe hugs if you would like. 🙂  ❤️

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  14. TW -  I went to the ER with a bad reaction to a new med. It was really quick how it happened and I was mostly calm during it, but I am still just kinda processing it all. It's probably the closest I've been to death myself.

     
    So, I had to go into the ER on Wednesday. I had a delayed onset allergic reaction to the humira shot from the week before.
     
    The rest of this story is pretty bad, but I'll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to pause here and read more later or what. I don't want to add to your stress, but I also went thru a pretty big thing and I feel like I'm close enough to a lot of you that if we were in the same town I'd definitely have already called you yesterday to tell you what happened and that I'm ok. Tired and sore and frazzled, but ok.
     
    So there you have it ('it' being your opportunity to read this sometime later if you want, or not at all, your choice).
     
     
     
    So I had my first humira shot on Thursday the 18th of Feb. It wasn't so bad. Within a couple of days I noticed that my hands and feet were less swollen and painful. I could make a full tight fist with both hands by the end of the weekend. Shit was going good.
     
    Then, 12 days later, at like midnight Monday night/Tuesday morning I noticed my belly was itchy and the place I had the shot was about 3in across and very pink. I took a pic of it, rubbed some benadryl gel on my belly and went back to bed.
     
    On Tues all hell broke loose. I called the rheumatologist and then the pharmacist. Was told to start taking benadryl pills every 4 hours (not to exceed 400mg per day!), and watch for signs of airway constriction. Call 911 or go to the ER if that does happen.
     
    Tuesday sucked. I was covered in hives practically all over. It was definitely more rash than non-rash skin by lunchtime Tuesday. I couldn't put anything on the broken out skin because I was told that it would be dangerous to add benadryl or cortisone on the rash and less effective to doit topically than orally, which was working more on my whole system. My cheeks were puffy. My shoulders were covered in red hives. 
     
    Wed was rough. Everything was just so fucking itchy. More than half my body was covered in dark pink and red hives. By just before lunchtime my cheeks were red and swollen so I could feel my pulse in my face. And then at lunch I couldn't swollow right. This was the line I knew that I didn't want to cross.
     
    I called my sis. She was on her way home. If she hadn't picked up my next call would have been to 911. But she picked up. It told her about my throat. I called to give the er a heads up that this was happening. So they'd know to expect us. It took like 10 min for her to get here and then we took off for the hosp. By the time we were a block away from the hosp I couldn't breathe through my nose. It would make a tiny squeek noise when I tried to close my mouth and exhale. So I opened my mouth wide and tried to take slow deep breaths. As my sister was pulling into the ambulance bay I could feel the choking feeling. It was hard to breathe through my mouth even.
     
    The nurses met me with a wheelchair and the doc saw me like a minute laster. He went through the listen to my heart and breathing thing. got a wooden stick and loked in the back of my throat,Then started explaining that really the only treatment for this was an epipen, that's the treatment, in a kind of calm but explaining why this was necessary. He didn't have to talk me into it. I interrupted his explanation and said "I'm sold, let's do it" in a really shakey raspy voice. He said "what?" He nodded toward the nurse who took the cue to run out of the room. She said "she's in." as she headed to the door. He asked me about other meds, did I have recreational drug use, heart problems and looked at my throat again.
     
    The nurse came back a few seconds later, she got my thigh alchoholed off and gave me the shot in my thigh. Then she started an iv, took blood for labs, and gave me some kind of iv med that was supposed to be an antihistamine and made my mouth taste like licking a cast iron pan.
     
    Then thy asked me how to spell my name and all the questions for registering. Lol.
     
    Ffwd almost 4½ hrs later and I'm well enough that they sent me home. Still covered in hot pink hives, but with a total of 2epipen injections and 2 liters of saline and IV meds for allergies and to stop nauseous feelings. I could breathe!
     
    Yesterday I was pretty out of it. My sis stayed to help me. Today my hives are just faint pink color. Feeling shaky. But that's normal, at least that is what they told me. I'm seeing my regular dr next week.
     
    I'm probably going to post a few pics on my blog. Nothing gruesome or genitals, but just a before the ER pic and a Friday morning pic.
     
    I feel so fucking grateful to just be able to breathe. My throat is so sore. It feels like I was choked. The doc said it will feel like that for a while. Because I was choked. The tissue damage done by the anaphylaxis feels like an angry hand crushed my windpipe. I look in my mouth with a flashlight and a mirror and I can see the bruising in the back of my mouth. My eyelids are covered in tiny little dark purple pinprick bruises from the burst capillaries.
     
    And I'm still in shock.
    Thanks for reading this.
     
    RR
    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Oh my goodness, that sounds really terrifying, but also that you really did an amazing job staying focused and calm when it was needed.  I'm so glad you're doing better and made it through. Hopefully there will be other options to address you medical need that won't put you at risk for a similar reaction. 

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  15. getting increasingly frustrated with a work project.   🤬  Time for a break I guess.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks @8888 and @mini.finch, yes!  I finally got it finished and posted late in the day yesterday.  Phew!

      Thanks for the encouragement and support!

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  16. getting increasingly frustrated with a work project.   🤬  Time for a break I guess.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Unfortunately I hit another wall, so I ended my workday hoping to finish this am... but now my computer has been updating for an hour... gotta just laugh, or I would pull all my hair out.  Argh!

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  17. getting increasingly frustrated with a work project.   🤬  Time for a break I guess.

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Thanks @mini.finch.  I'm doing one of those layered choir videos for my job and it's all these layers and fiddly things that can go wrong.  When I posted the status I had just done the same step three times and each time something different went wrong.  Your suggestion was a good one, I went and researched peer support groups online for trauma... didn't really find what I was hoping for, but was able to get back to my project with more focus. Win some, loose some. 🙂

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  18. Feeling icky!  

  19. Today I tried peanut butter and jelly oat meal. I have my oat meal with sunflower corns and pumpkin corns, mixed with raisins. Today, I added a spoon of peanut butter and some jelly since I don't fancy bread right now. It was good! 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      That's awesome!  I love Oatmeal! I lived for a few months at a Buddhist monastery (in the USA) and we used to have oatmeal every morning, and my favorite combo: adding crunchy peanut butter warmed berries (from frozen) or plum sauce (basically applesauce but made with plums), a healthy scoop of plain yogurt, a little brown sugar and... a dash of soy sauce!  The soy sauce is just to add salt and it distributes well into the oatmeal rather than salt granules, but it's literally a "dash" so you don't taste it.  It's also great because if you cook the oats with the salt in it makes them gluey, so if you reserve the salt until after it's cooked the texture is way better.  Ok, end of silly unsolicited oatmeal rant, your oatmeal choices sound delicious!

       

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  20. Hi friends, sorry I disappeared for a few months, life got overwhelming,  but I am okay. I hope you are too. 

  21. Hi friends, sorry I disappeared for a few months, life got overwhelming,  but I am okay. I hope you are too. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Hi! <blushing> thanks for the warm welcome back, I was feeling embarrassed to disappear like that. I am truly sorry if I hurt anybody’s feelings. 

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  22. Hi friends, sorry I disappeared for a few months, life got overwhelming,  but I am okay. I hope you are too. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      I missed you both as well. Sending virtual safe hugs if welcome, or friendly waves, your preference. 

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  23. Please send brainy dust .*.,'**',.*,.'.*'.,* so I can complete this essay on complex trauma

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sparkly glittery brain confetti for maximum essay writing capacity headed your way!  You got this, @BrightSide🤓

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  24. Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Poop. I'm sorry this process is still continuing.  Sending you support and sitting with you in solidarity, if you would like.

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  25. Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

    1. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending you strength and energy to add to your own reserves... and I think I remember you saying that you identify as a woman of faith, so I'm sending prayers (if that's okay) that all of this gets resolved quickly, that it's final, and that this long nightmare is over and you can just focus on healing and living your life without this hanging over you.  Is there anything we can do to lend you our strength and support right now?

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

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