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Tiashe

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Blog Entries posted by Tiashe

  1. Tiashe

    Something I'd never considered

    By Tiashe,


    Recovery
    I had kind of a rough, but ultimately good, night. My partners confronted me about my biggest problem around sex. I hadn't really realized how much I had going on around it. I realized that I was so scared about so many things. If I'd remember more, if I'd end up in an episode, if they would judge me, if I would ruin the whole thing... And they took all of that and just... They pointed out to me that they would never judge me for it and that I wouldn't be ruining anything if I needed to stop in the middle of things. They said they would be more concerned about me than anything. They wouldn't be upset with me.
    I ended up having... I don't know if it was a panic attack or just an extreme anxiety shutdown. They were all really soft with me about it. They never got mad or frustrated with me about it. I think I really, really needed all that. I hadn't realized fully how bad it had gotten.
    The biggest thing that I took away is... I was always so worried about what telling other people about our trauma would do to them. I didn't even consider that it might make them want to comfort or protect me. I always considered it a burden, an imposition on my part. Like I was doing something horrible to whoever I told. But... I think I might need to reframe that. Not everyone is going to be affected by it the way I am or even to the same extent I am.
    I'm really lucky to have my partners. I love them all so dearly. And they love me. A lot.
    I do think it's really sad that I feel like I need to be able to control everything about my problems so I can mold myself around others' feelings. The abusive platonic relationship I was in for years really made me feel like I didn't matter the same amount that other people do. I'm so, so grateful that we made it out of there. And I'm proud of myself for being able to keep myself moving forward. It can be hard, but I know it's ultimately for the best.
    I think I need to start saying what happened plainly again, so I don't get like I was. So...
    We were raped when we were a child. It wasn't our fault. It hurts a lot, but I shouldn't let it rule me. I don't want it to control me anymore. Hopefully I can make that a reality.
  2. Tiashe

    Good Day In Therapy

    By Tiashe,


    Therapy
    Hey, it's Allen.
    Today, we had therapy. I was super nervous about going, because we needed to tell her that what we were doing wasn't working. Turns out, we have a very good therapist! She completely rolled with it and with our ideas as if she'd made the plan herself. We even added something!
    I might have tagged it wrong, because I can't remember if this is CBT or DBT, but I think it's gonna be useful! I'm gonna attach the chart, but basically, you look at a situation. It can be comfortable/positive or uncomfortable/negative. Then, you look at your automatic thoughts about it. What comes up as your first reaction? After that, you look at what those thoughts make you feel and what sensations you're having, and then you can look at behaviors. This way, you can slow down and recognized where you are or where you were (depending on if you do this in the moment or after) and you can hopefully be rational and make good behavioral choices!
    I'm ready to try it, for sure. I hope we can all benefit from it. We're going to start sitting down once a day to go over a situation like this and to practice one coping skill! Cross your fingers for us!
    Thanks for reading!
    -Allen

  3. Tiashe

    How we discovered it

    By Tiashe,


    Our Trauma Journey
    Hey again, it's Allen.
    This is something that... is such a topic. There seems to be so much debate over recovered memories, but anyone who has recovered memories knows how real this is. I wanted to talk about our journey to discovery, though I admittedly don't remember a lot about it. (such are dissociative disorders I guess)
    From here, there will be some graphic details of intrusive memories and CSA, so please click away if you're not in a place to read that.
    It all started in middle school. this was before I realized we were a system. I know others were around, looking back, but at the time I had no idea. I started getting this... intrusive sensation. It was of our genitals being touched from behind, from under our possible skirt. It always felt wrong, but I thought it was just another type of intrusive thought. I didn't start wondering about what it could really be until much later. Even across years, it never changed. And it never totally went away.
    It wasn't until high school I learned we were a system and began to realize we may have some sa trauma. We'd always reacted poorly to sa media, but I thought it was just normal to feel that uncomfortable and upset and avoidant when it came up. I don't think it was until a few years later that it truly hit, though. Through all of those years, I had been off and on trying to reach a headmate I could feel was hidden away. A child who knew... well, she knew more than I did. And was suffering.
    She was protected by what felt like a maelstrom pushing back against me as I tried to get to her. Finally, four or so years after we graduated, she came forward. We were... broken. It took a great toll on us. I still couldn't see all of the memories, but I could gather some, and what I've sen since has been harrowing. I spent a long time just obsessed with it, diving in and trying to figure it out. We were... incredibly unstable during that time. I know we remembered more, but now it's difficult to remember that time.
    Our brain was... It felt like it was just erasing anything we did, any progress we made. Every time the trauma came back up it was like it was brand new again. Still, it comes on and is so overwhelming and all-encompassing that it feels like it will never end. I'm hoping we can find a way to combat it, but that'll be up to us and our therapist.
    If you read this, thank you for giving us your time. Thank you for seeing us. We're not alone and neither are you.
    -Allen
  4. Tiashe

    Intro

    By Tiashe,


    About Us
    So.... I thought maybe using this blog as a safe space to share our experiences might help us. This is our first psot, so it's just going to be an intro and maybe some rambling.
    We're the Cosmos System, a mentally and physically disabled system who... well, we haven't figured out if we're DID or OSDD, but we're somewhere in there. There are over 80 of us, so it can be a bit chaotic, but I'm really glad we're all here and that I can be with everyone. Welve been on T for five years, but not all of us identify as trans or transmasc. If you want to know someone's pronouns, feel free to ask! Using they/them is generally okay otherwise.
    I'm Allen, the host. I don't know that many of us will use our real names, just for safety and peace of mind, but I'm sure if anyone on here reads this, you'll understand. My pronouns are he/him and I am transmasc! I love dressing and being feminine, but I also love our beard! We're autistic and some of my/our special interests are:
    👾 Elden Ring
    🕷️ Tarantulas (fun fact! We've always been arachophobic and still struggle with it! I worked really, really hard on it for years to get to this point! I'm very proud of it!)
    🐟 Coelacanths
    On top of DID/OSDD and ASD, we also suffer from ADHD, PTSD, and Schizoaffective Bipolar Type for mental things.
    On the physical end, we have Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, migraines, and some severe skin problems.
    The reason we signed up for After Silence is because we are victims of CSA. Originally, I (and some others, I believe) had no idea we were survivors. I'll put how we came to the realization in another post, but it was a life changing discovery. I'm hoping that, by speaking out and becoming more open in talking about and through our trauma, we can find support and healing.
    If you read this post, thank you so much. I hope to see you again soon.
    -Allen
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