sisyphus

Slowly, slowly, I'm finding my center and self again. 

Have been doing intensive PEMF therapy (Pulsed ElectroMagnetic Frequency). It is physically, mentally and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It  does finally seem to be getting easier., and the improvements are worth getting worse before I started getting better. Worse was very, very scary. Better is starting to feel like... me. 

My therapist told me that I was going through an ego death when I became overwhelmed with these recent urges to self harm. I don't know how she could tell that I was about to have a major shift, but she was right. I'm not interested in an ego death, I'm really whatever about that - I just want to be functional and not shaking to my bones all the time.

But something in me has found an acceptance of the way things are, and a willingness to enjoy my life again. 

All of the sudden one morning a few days ago my executive function came back on line. It's not 100%, but my brain doesn't feel like it's exploding all the time. My senses and perception are starting to normalize. This is good. 

I found out my son is telling people that I started shooting up and went crazy, because one of the seizure meds I tried was an injection. That hurt like hell for a few days and now I feel almost indifferent. The world where what people think of me matters, seems like lifetimes ago. 

I spent some time in the mountains with a good friend,  in a cabin with no technology. It was difficult to have so much one on one interaction as I have become accustomed to being alone, but by the end of our time together I was joking and making up little songs like I used to, and having memories that feel safe. She held me while I sobbed my guts out. I needed that, really badly. I stopped trying to talk over two years ago, and I don't exactly believe that it's ok yet, or that she wants to hear me, but it is good to talk again. 

I still feel pretty scrambled, and the anxiety waves goes through my belly in knots and sick. The grief is a less constant lump in my throat but still a lump. I still feel really trapped in my living circumstances, and have no clue where I would relocate.  One of my crowns crumbled  while I was eating and I broke a tooth. The red tape of my bankruptcy just left me without an entire paycheck I was counting on, but I'm not going into anxiety or distress.

I'm going to try weaning off my sleep meds to see what happens. Last night I got 5 hours of natural, restorative sleep. 

I guess the PEMF is working. 

Thank you to all the people here cheering me on, and sharing your own stories. I wouldn't have survived without you. I'm pissed at what they've done to us but glad we've found each other.