Gordy

My wife after a few stumbles has become very supportive and understanding of me trying to remember. And what it's doing to me psychologically. Right now she's into town about 40 miles away doing grocery shopping. I've been working on a project that requires me to run power tools so I missed a phone call from her. So she just texted "call". Now because of our special needs child we've always had an agreement that if you text you want someone to call you state it's not an emergency. Well she forgot to tell me it wasn't an emergency. Probably because I'm at home with our kid . So I cal

When I was very young at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation. After much yelling on his part it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked. I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something . I think that's when I started being blamed for everything that us kids did to anger him, because I was s

I find commenting on other people's threads very uncomfortable. One of the reasons I do that it's because as a child I was taught that everything I thought and said was wrong. That I was an idiot who couldn't get anything right. I've remembered after the TBI them getting so frustrated with me because I would have difficulty with spelling. And I remember being told how stupid I was ,what a loser I was, how I was going to be this big gigantic failure. So it's difficult for me to comment on the threads Of course I suffered severe brain trauma, and I'm being told now I was in a coma from

I am uncomfortable in crowds. Too many people to watch. The violence /rage it's not something I would recommend LOL. I don't like having that in me.

As I read stuff on this page and other pages I found that one of the recurring theme of survivors of CSA is that they wall themselves off, that they built walls between themselves and the outside world so they don't get hurt again. I don't think I built a fortress I built a prison. After the rape at 20 and the suicide attempt I quit drinking. And I looked back on all those years of drunken violent rage and I took that broken thing and I locked in the cage. And every time it looked like it was going to escape I would just put up another wall, another set of bars, more razor wire entan

With me it's pretty much all males. There like a 4 ft circle around me it they step into that circle it makes me uncomfortable. And every now and then, if they are with 2 ft I will have intrusive thoughtsthat they going to do something sexual. Because for the first 5 years after it ended I went with rage and alcohol I immediately prepare for violence. This is even with people I sort of trust. There's a joke meme floating around the internet that says the only person I trust is me and that's pretty damn iffy. For me that's not a joke, there's evil in my head and I have to ke

I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done. I'm currently welding in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where I can see. So I'm having a hard time running a good bead. I have a guy working with me, he is m

I mentioned that I got a tent for the last Christmas with E. So that got me thinking. I don't remember Christmases or birthdays or any special events. I know we had them. I remember I got the tent for Christmas, I just didn't remember the day. I have a picture of me opening presents when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't remember. I don't remember birthdays. I know we celebrated it I just don't remember. I also been thinking about behaviors linked to things from my childhood. I am uncomfortable when people do me favors or eating other peoples food. I almost invariably turn dow

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children. I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I cried for a week . He said they couldn't understand why because we all wanted that son of the bit*h

As I mentioned I told my brother that I was trying to remember, and ever since then I've been sitting here worrying about how my family is going to punish me for this. I was the nerd Avenger in school, punch a nerd I'd punch you. I once got in a fight with the entire defensive line of my high School football team because I got to a guy kicked off the team because he punched a nerd in class and I climbed all over him. I was once in an armed standoff with law enforcement, over the harassment of us because of our mentally handicapped child. I only got away with that because we were pres

On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up . I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked from the waist down , yell while snapping his belt till he decided with one to punish. Usually me. I

Since I talked to my brother I had a few more flashes come out. We lived in a house, I believe it was the 2nd farm, that had a basement with a real low ceiling. I was probably only 7 or 8 and my head just barely cleared the joists. I liked playing down because E don't like going down there becuase it was so low. Because I was down there alone I think just me and him were home. I remember him angrily yelling for me to come up. I remember seeing him at the top of the stairs outlined by the brighter light behind him and I remember fear. I remember we were visiting M parents i

1. sorry if I am blogging to much. I not a real big sharer in the real world but this seems like here I just talking to myself. Which I do a lot .lol 2.After reading some of the stories here I cannot help but feel I got off light. I know that pretty standard but I am having a not quite human day. Which is kind of my default mode. And 3. Yesterday when I talked to A he said that after the divorce was granted I cried for a week because I didn't go live with E. I don't remember the time around the divorce. The whole time frame is missing. So I have no memories of it. But it doesn't

So last night After I blogged A called. We're probably on the phone 30-40 minutes. Most of it was him trying to talk me out of trying to remember. Him saying you know I'll help you remember cuz you know I remember all of it but I don't see why you're doing this. Some of it was him defending E. You know he was just trying to toughen us up and you have to remember he was beat on as a kid too. Then he said" it's not like he molested us" And I responded with" that's b******* we've always agreed that he was having sex with J and she passed it on to us" He glossed over that

I texted A today about any records or pictures of me he had from my mom's stuff he had stored at his house. We had a brief phone conversation. He is trying to talk me out of remembering. But he said some stuff that unlocked a few of the boxes in my head. I thought I was 12 when I picked up that gun. Turns out I might of been 10 or 11. We lived at the last farm for a year or so longer after E left. We didn't move to town till after the divorce was finalized. After we talked I had a few memories of that time. Nothing horrible just stuff. Me playing alo

So yesterday I called my wife during my lunch break. And during phone conversation she brings up something that just irritates her about the difference between men and women how we view things. And because I was having the thoughts about this idea of E making. Kiddy p*** movies starring me and my brother and sister I told her I really don't want to talk about this right now. So when I got home now I apologize to her for being a little snippy with her on the phone. I told her that I was just thinking about some things that that were really bothering me. And then I screwed up and

A While back my brother posted this cute little video us when we were kids. It was from the farm where I have the most memories of the "games" My stepfather took it, he had one of those little wind up camera where you make could a little 1minute-or 2 minute home movie. I Remember we had a projector and he had these little five minute movies of the Marx Brothers The Three Stooges and Little Rascals that every now and then we'd have a movie night and watch. The uncomfortable thought I had was he filming the "games " and when he left how many films of the " games" did he take with

it's a joke me and my wife has that my defining trait is just blind stupid persistence. I'm too dumb to know when I'm whoop.LOL one of our family mottos is persistence in the face of futility .

I fully intend on continuing this voyage of self discovery. I am very goal orientated, and my goal is to know, to the best of my ability to remember. It was decades ago 1 TBI and me trying very hard not to remember. So a lot may just be suspicions and vague impressions. As most know on this page PTSD charges the structure of the brain. And the way it remembers trauma. Some of me trying not to remember all the CSA is they blamed me. And I believed them. That I was just wrong. That I was a thing that should be grateful they tolerate me. Yes I know that's a symptom of PTSD. Then

Thank you. I hope everyone on this board can find peace.

Thank you. Some of the things I am starting to remember, some of the suspicions I am have and some of the things I beginning to believe are true make me thinks it was much worst then what I did remember.

This is actually turning out to be harder on me psychologically than I initially anticipated.

I have an end date. The divorce was granted an April of 1977. That means between the time I got the tent for Christmas and me walking into that kitchen with that gun was just a matter of weeks. It seems much longer. The nice lady from County records of the county I grew up in is sending me a copy of the divorce decree. Hopefully I'll have that in a few days. My wife knows that I want to see these divorce papers she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to accomplish with it. I'm not 100% sure why I want to see them either ,I just do.

The more I dig the more I remember . I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing . On the last farm we lived on I remember one time he came home late from work and we'd already started eating dinner . He went into one of his rages , he forced us to eat everything on the table . He made us eat ourselves sick because we dare not wait for him . I remember M had a calendar on the wall where she would mark off the number of days that he didn't speak to us. I remember M having to work nights at that time , and I remember him play wrestling with us with us just in our under

Thank you. It's does seem that these who knew and did nothing are just as bad