Hoping8

I am not doing especially well.

Six years ago tonight and tomorrow. Six years. I cannot believe what I lived  through. Last night was rough and tonight will be even worse. I can’t believe what happened to me…

 I've tried not to post for ages, since hearing that my experience would deter others. But I really need help and support. My criminal case went horribly. It set me back a bunch. I don't want to influence anyone else, but I could sure use some support.

I could really use your help in "coming back" from a long time in the court. I suspect I can do it, but it is hard and challenigng.

Struggling hard. So sorry. I may continue to be scarce until after this weekend when the 5th anniversary is. Love you all so much. Truly. 

I think I just quit my job.  

Hi Hoping8, How was last night for you? I'm hoping you got at least a little sleep. I know it's really difficult to fall asleep when the anxiety is running high... It's also tough to function when you're sleep-deprived... Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you and sending you fierce-grace energy  And also, when you get a chance, try sending me a PM again. I did receive 2 other messages within the past couple days from other people, so if you can't send one then I should probably let someone know so they can fix it.... I hope today is good for you. Take care.

feralcat

I sent the letter to the shooter (posted about it) almost a week ago. It will take 3 days or so to get to California and then the prison will open it and do whatever they do before it gets to him. I don't know how long it will take, but I keep checking my mailbox with disappointment. I guess I am afraid of never getting that amends letter. Feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

Today is my 30th birthday.

I havent signed on to my account in months. ANd in those months things have taken a turn for the worst but i am finally getting the help i know i desperately needed. I hit a low point a few months ago because the memories/flashbacks i was constantly having . Now im starting therapy and trying medication again , so far so good. Im so anxious about talking about my issues but i have to get past the fear.

this to shall pass!

Making my father's cremation and burial at sea plans the last couple of days has been beyond hard. I wanted to help and asked to take this burden from my aunt. My father and other family lives in California and I am in Texas. I can't do much and I hate it. This aunt is his caregiver because of that. It was worse than I thought it would be. I have just been nauseated and sad. I know it's not SA-related although my father was abusive in every other way in my childhood. But I have tried to have a relationship in latter years and I do love him. It's bleeding into everything else. I feel like 36 is too young to lose a parent...and it hurts so much. 

Our boy has stopped eating and has showed that he is unable to continue the fight.  He has been a true warrior and has hung on for a month following losing function of his hind legs - and someone wise did say that extra time he gave us was truly a gift.  But - he's now telling us he is exhausted and we've had to make the most heartbreaking decision we've ever thought possible - our sweet Dexter will be making his way over the Rainbow Bridge tomorrow.  I am absolutely devastated.  Pocket riders appreciated for the next 24 hours as we prepare to say goodbye to the most lovable and faithful fur-baby we've ever had.  

OMG the holidays here are finally over!!!!! I made it through again, whew.

I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

Too much pain. Too much sadness. Too much heartbreak. Too much everything. 

nothing makes sense anymore. im afraid

another day down another long lonely night ahead

I am feeling a little desperate.  Exhausted and stretched too thin.  

Nothing is really up—in fact, things have been pretty calm for a week or so.  And yet, I feel like crying.  WTH, emotions!!??  

Feeling very unlike myself tonight.  No idea why.  Could use a friend.