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Indyrex

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    Female
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    Yoga Coffee Singing Writing Puzzles Bullet journals

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    Survivor

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  1. Indyrex

    Haunted

    Well, 2 years have gone by and I'm just now seeing your comment. Wherever you are now, it's further along than where you used to be ❤️
  2. The world was my oyster. But now, it just seems like a deathtrap everywhere I go. Ever since the panic of a pandemic swept the world, my PTSD symptoms have been back in full force. And I have been sitting with myself through this discomfort to the best of my ability. I have been listening to the aches of my body and treating it with kindness. All of the tools I learned on my journey to come back home to my body have never left my side. Until this past week or so. Today has been the first day I felt motivated to do anything remotely productive. Today has been the first day I felt like m
  3. Indyrex

    Haunted

    I transformed this summer. I attended a 200-hour yoga teacher training, and I found a new love of myself, a new strength in myself, a new willingness to be vulnerable and authentic, to speak my voice. It was incredible. Going to sleep each night after the training, I'd lay there and listen to my breath and just notice -- woah, I feel different. It's confidence. It's courage. Genuinely. No more mask. I am slowly healing, and that is something wonderful I need to remember as I have these days when I become triggered again and feel the setback. Know that I am far enough in my journey
  4. It is very chaotic @Ian37. Have you or @elisand watched Westworld? I relate so much to that because it's like I found my consciousness, but I've been driven to madness at the same time. I'll have these intense moments of clarity, sometimes I'll get lost in memories trying to piece the two halves of my life together, form an identity again. It's hard. But it's getting easier. And I have decided to go back to therapy and have put off calling 2 days now 🙊I had a great counselor when I had my revelation and remembered my trauma in the first place. I had a different counselor to help when the
  5. @Ian37 Yes that's the tricky part. I feel like right now where I am in life, it does define me. I can't control the emotions very well and have had to leave work because I panic and can't stop crying. Like for hours I can't stop. It feels like a damn being broken up with all this pent-up pain I never dealt with (I didn't remember for 6 years) so I'm trying to let it out without the pain consuming me. Thank you for the reminder about unity. None of us are alone in this and as we step through our own journeys we can help each other along the way too 💛
  6. @elisand That is a great way of thinking about it - I am a survivor, not a victim. I get into ruts of feeling helpless, so helpless that I can't even call for help while just crying. I will remember to look at myself in the mirror for one of my talks and tell this to me. And it's my yoga mantra: I am safe, I am strong, I am in control. Hugs to you. You are so supportive, thank you 💛 Sending healing to you too
  7. Indyrex

    Dissociation

    I've been feeling pretty despondent the past day or so, which usually means I'm trying to dissociate. It's a feeling of, I'm tired of feeling this way, so I'll just not be in my body. Sometimes being in my body is one of the unsafest feelings ever. Ever read The Host? Some type of alien takes over a body and lives inside. I remember the author describing sliding into their body, feeling each finger and toe as the alien grows these long tentacle-like neuron things and grows to feel familiar. That's exactly what coming back from dissociation feels like. You slide into your body like a glo
  8. Thank you @Capulet & @Oneinamillion I'm starting to feel it more and more in myself, but I think other survivors are some of the strongest and powerful humans I know
  9. Thank you all It's kind of overwhelming (in a good way) finally finding a place where people can relate to what I'm going through.
  10. Indyrex

    Acceptance

    It sucks when you meet someone you can open up to but then they don't actually internalize the weight of what you've told them. Actually 'sucks' isn't the right word -- it's worse. But I feel empowered by your ability to put yourself first and honor your boundaries and self-worth/self-acceptance. I am working on that as well and know how hard it is, but we will get there one day
  11. Thank you for your kind words @fallenstar I appreciate you
  12. Hey all, Indy Rex here. I just joined the site and am not really sure where to begin. I've been struggling with PTSD for about a year now. And honestly maybe struggling the most with accepting the fact that I am a survivor. That it's a huge part of who I am, and has been controlling my behavior and emotions for so long. But I don't want it to. I want to be in control. I want to have a safe space where I can be open about what I've been through and feel accepted. Which is what I hope to find here -- others who feel what I feel. Others who understand me.
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