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elisand

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Status Updates posted by elisand

  1. elisand

    Hi! I know I've been awol from here. 

    I'd like to notify everyone here I have started a YouTube channel. The name is Elisand. Please interact and I hope to lend some support to you. see you there!

  2. elisand

    Sorry I haven't been around. I have a slow internet connection 

  3. elisand

    Finished 1st phase of therapy scary but happy and proud

  4. elisand

    So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

  5. elisand

    Very scary. winding up therapy with my T. I know I've progressed but I know there is much more to advance. We will take around 6 more weeks to wind it up and then I fly away. I'll have to find a new T in Canada who I will be able to trust and work with. My therapist said I will not have to start from where I started with him but rather much further on the therapy path which I acknowledge and am happy about.

     

  6. elisand

    I can't understand how I do nice things for other people but somehow it happens. It's so confusing. Maybe I just want others to think I'm special

  7. elisand
    ashamed
    of what?
    you ask
    in bewilderment
     
    but i can't tell 
    cuz of the shame
    that is 
    ever present 
    around people
     
    inside
    i hate that
    i was violated
    that i have urges
    i can't control
     
    that when i look
    at you 
    i am pulled
    to certain
    parts
    and i bet
    that you could tell
     
    i feel like you 
    are looking 
    with scorn
    contempt
    for the little boy who's
    been called idiot 
     
    that's how you see me
    my brain whispers
    i need to hide
    i know
    you are laughing
    at me
     
    do i smell?
    did i do
    or say
    something stupid?
     
    and i'm ashamed
    cuz i see how
    all the kids my age
    laugh play 
    and live.
     
    there's something
    I'm missing
    what is it?
    are they in on
    a joke?
     
    they have fun 
    playing sports
    and games
     
    what's wrong 
    with me?
     
    I'm so ashamed
    can't look you
    in the face
    you must know
    how weird i 
    am acting
     
    and people
    ignore me
    and lose interest
    when I speak
    what are they seeing?
    I am so ashamed
     
    it's all hidden
    i can't just 
    ask you
    what's wrong with
    me
    you hate me
    that's why you
    ignore me
     
    and
    i'm too embarrassed 
    to reveal my sexuality
    was uncovered
    you'll be so 
    angry
     
    so it's all
    inside
    i totally 
    negate 
    my existence
    it's just 
    too hard
     
    i'm only 8 years
    old
    but believe me
    i'm ready to 
    die
     
    do you get it now?
     
     
     

    -- 

     EliSand  :cry:
  8. elisand
    when i had a friend
    i felt i belong
    to something
    without 
    it's like i'm
    hanging
     
    future exists 
    with someone
    by my side
    with noone
    how can i survive?
     
    maybe 
    I've always
    wanted a friend
    to share feelings
    and do stuff
    with a firm heart
     
    so I look around 
    searching
    for that one
    who will see in me 
    my greatness
    devoted to my
    life
     
    and when I
    pass the many 
    I wish they'd be the one
    and open the door
    for me
     
    and love me for who I am
    I don't have to hide
    myself
    appreciate my many gifts
    that I am my true self
     
    a wonderful caring
    sensitive guy
    who doesn't judge or scorn
    only asks why
     
    til then who will know 
    my true self
    and treat that self
    delicately 
    and love me for
    being myself
     
    I hate hiding
     
    don't you?
     
     

    -- 

     EliSand  
    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. elisand

      elisand

      thank you

    3. pattyr

      pattyr

      I really like the phrase "firm heart"!  And the whole poem gives me a clean true feeling. Thanks for sharing it.

    4. elisand

      elisand

      thanks, somehow when i write my real feelings just come into focus

  9. elisand
    lonesome
    all separate from people
    pull away though 
    your assurance is
    what I need
     
    to hold me close 
    tell me you're there 
    take your time
    I'm here for you
     
    All alone
    waiting for you to
    notice me
    see my abuse
    be strong for me
     
    take me under your wing
    provide for my needs
    care for my broken
    heart
    give care like a fountain
     
    where has everyone been?
    can't you
    step into my shattered world?
    or are you
    too preoccupied
    with your own
     
    I now see
    no-one is all confident
    and secure
    though it looked like you were
    you were a counselor or teacher
    a big guy who 
    looked out for us
     
    but now I know
    I wasn't your life 
    you are busy
    I'm a side-interest
    It's too bad
    why can't people be
    what I believed
     
    and yearned
     
    but I know this is
    how I'll be
    for anyone who 
    needs my care
    No-one is totally 
    secure
    but for the child crying out 
    I could be
     

    -- 

     EliSand  
    1. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      I love this! :)

    2. elisand

      elisand

      thank you I might create more like this

  10. elisand

    keep wishing I'd have a friend who is really there for me.

    1. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      I want to really be there for you all the time but I can't. I am struggling too. I will be there when I can.

      I feel like this too. I don't have anyone I could go to when I need help. I have learned to be there for myself. At least I know there's someone I can always count on. I can't give myself the best advice and I can't show myself things I don't see, but I'm always there. I also turn to God and it helps me.

  11. elisand

    I'm so sorry. What you went through was so terrible. OCD is so hard to deal with and then add all this on and it feels unbearable. How are you still managing? You gotta be special. I hope things get better soon. Here for you, Safe hugs if ok

    1. Stephenjames

      Stephenjames

      Thank you @elisand for your kind words to my post. Yes, OCD can be a very debilitating condition that is hard to find and answers too. I hope I can find solutions to a great many problems. Safe hugs to you too, if ok.  

  12. elisand

    Got my hopes up that someone wants to be there for me. And they just dropped me. Feels so ---- I don't know. But not good. :(

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      Hope the 'not good' feeling goes away soon. Sending support, safe hugs and sitting with you, if you'd like.:console:

  13. elisand

    Hi @Sapphira, luv having you around!:wave:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      @elisand I am okay, just came here to look for some support. How are you doing?

    3. elisand

      elisand

      Good for now but I'm on the roller-coaster. You probably know what I mean

    4. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      Yes, I do. Sitting with you and safe hugs if okay :hug:

  14. elisand

    Off to Israel!

    it was a really hard month. Without your support you on AS it would have been so much harder. 

     

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Dahliaa

      Dahliaa

      Hope you have fun and enjoy yourself! Lucky you! :) 

    3. fallenstar

      fallenstar

      Have a lovely and safe trip! I'd love to go as well one day. Hope you enjoy it there 😊

    4. elisand

      elisand

      Thanks @patriciag @Dahliaa and @fallenstar. 

      It's really much better. I feel like I'm finally able to breathe.:)

  15. elisand

    Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

    1. snmls

      snmls

      Thanks.  Same to you:flowers:

  16. elisand

    Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

  17. elisand

    I had a seizure. I'm ok. But I was wondering should I be scared.

    1. fallenstar

      fallenstar

      I'm sorry to hear that but glad you are ok. 

    2. elisand

      elisand

      Thank you

      I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow 

  18. elisand

    Just getting over jet lag

    visiting home for 1 month. 

    please be with me

     

    1. Angel4100

      Angel4100

      sitting with you and here for you

  19. elisand

    I like the song. it's very positive action. counteracts the depression.

    Not about the attraction-oriented lyrics. That is a possible trigger if you don't like things about attraction.

    otherwise pls enjoy!

  20. elisand

    When people bump into me i have a strong negative reaction.

    I also realized i'm always putting out feelers to know whether to be happy

     

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      when people bump into me I get angry

  21. elisand

    is there something to make us feel stronger emotionally?

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      I would like to think so , just a matter of finding whatever it is.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    2. snmls

      snmls

      I don't know, but I hope we all figure it out one day. 

  22. elisand

    The question: What makes life worth living?

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Not sure haven't found the answer yet... sorry :( 

  23. elisand

    Pretty terrible.. broken phone no money. But i have someone sitting with me. Need support please:(

  24. elisand

    i thought it would be good to put down in which ways my existence has gotten better through therapy.

    i don't feel suicidal all the time

    walking is easier

    in control of my organs

    find things that help me like internet

    like After Silence

    buy things to make me feel good 

    like coke (the drink!)

    stand up to my parents and tell them what i need

    create a viable day plan that i feel good about

    think of what i want to do in the future

    met a girl (but i broke up) 

    know what is special about me

    filter who to connect with

    do things in public like speaking

    confident with study partners

     

  25. elisand

    I really wish I could become a Pop-Star. 

    And I would sing how I feel as a survivor.

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