Leia Skywalker

I thought that I could escape this, escape being a victim of sexual assault and abuse, but it never feels like I can. There are seminars about assault, they are required and important but every time I listen I feel trapped and diminished. These seminars paint assault and abuse as something that can be easy to diagnose, and all you need is good friends. I can't even think, my mind goes dark and I slip into the spiral of my mind. "Did my friends just think I deserve it?" "Did I just want it" "Why didn't I just say no?" First off, no they don't, no you didn't you were

I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place. Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck, and I couldn't tell anyone. I was traveling with a group, a group who doesn't know my story o

I had a tough night last night. My brain did not want to be in the state I wanted it to be in. I had a panic attack. Again for the third night in a row this week. For some reason he could not leave my thoughts alone, I am not sure why this week had to be the week. I thought that maybe I should text someone and I began to but realized no one wanted to hear this, G-d knows I hated talking about it so why would someone want to listen. Since realizing what has happened to me I would tell close people as an attempt for them to understand the small things that I do in life and why. Li

Today I got to listen to two men debate about what they think should happen with guns even relating to domestic violence, abuse, and rape. One of them began stating that they only way women can protect themselves is with a gun. It did not occur to them that someone would use it against a woman or may not even be the security blanket they think it is. Personally I don't want a gun, I don't want to give him the chance to use it against me. It wouldn't make me safer but more afraid. The problem is that we allow for abusers to get away with it, I shouldn't have to arm myself to stay safe I should

I don't know where I will be in a few months, all I know is that I have to leave. I have to leave and get to a new place. Not just to start fresh, but because I can't end up like the rest of them. If I stay then I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do it. I won't let it happen. I will leave. Every time I come back to this town it literally hurts, my heart sinks and it becomes to breathe. This town is literally trying to kill me. If I get stuck here then what? Will I ever feel better, or accomplish anything? I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be a billionaire, I just want to

I don't know why it always seem to be worse around night, maybe there is a reason to that question but that isn't really relevant. Whenever I seem to come to the night I become scared, I lock all the doors around and me and try to feel safe. People have begun to notice how I always close doors and make sure doors and windows are locked, it isn't cause I like privacy its cause I am scared. Part of me wants people to notice how scared I am, I want to tell people that I am scared. But I am scared of that. What if they use that fact against me. That's what he did, he used all my weaknes

Things are starting to link up in my mind, behaviors and feelings that I have make sense. Why I do things and why I don't do things. Every time I come home I lock every door, even when a family member is right behind me. I never open my door. I always carry a pen in my hand. I never look people in the eye when walking. Cause I am scared. I know he can't hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it. Its why I want so desperately to leave town. Its why I don't feel safe, not at home, work or school. Only in my car. The one place he never touched. I don't kn

I was able to trust someone today. Actually a few people. Recently I had a somewhat serious injury from a sport, nothing too bad, but it has left me with the inability to lift or seriously use my right shoulder. When I admitted to someone I was hurt they didn't laugh, or use it against me instead they hugged me and asked how I was. This genuine feeling of concern is new to me. Most of my life has been keeping quiet about problems because when I didn't it was used against me. The world is scary but maybe there truly are enough good people in this world to help it through. I have

Anxiety attacks are fun.... They make you take everything you once knew and create a large cloud of doubt around it. I talk about anxiety as if it is a person, sometimes it feels like it is. Because it always centers around them. Every doubt goes back to them. It doesn't revolve around that one test or that one awkward family dinner. Instead, it's them. Maybe they kept that picture, maybe they are still here, maybe. But you never know. I wish it would stop. I wish I could just breathe normal again.

How do you explain to someone that you don't want attention? You don't want the award, you just want to keep working. My whole life has been filled with moments where I should have just sat down and taken pride and what I accomplished, but I learned to keep moving. Attention brought to me was bad, because that meant I was seen I don't want to be seen I just want to keep going. That's what he taught me. Not to take pride in what I earned because I didn't really earn it, or if people saw me then they would see what happened. What they did to me. Which is even worse. But

Today I feel numb, I feel nothing. I don't feel regret I don't feel happy I just feel numb. Maybe because my emotions have been fairly wild for the past week. I have to turn in my application this week, the application for the scholarship where I will have to publicly admit my abuse and attempt to inspire and help others. I know that I should be happy and excited to do so, but all I can think is what if someone doubts me. What if someone knows who I am talking about because they know me. What if? I don't know... I never know. I can't anticipate who will

I Saw him today. Not the bad one but the second one. My second ex and my second abuser. I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry and scream. I didn’t say anything. I just ran. Talking about them and what they did is hard, but seeing them. That’s inpossible. When I see him, all I see is who I was and how that girl that I once was is gone. The little girl who was comfortable and safe, she isn’t around anymore. I cant even bring myself to talk to them and let them know how I feel. But what good would it do. Would they listen? Would they care? Or is

You’re not alone. I’m glad that someone else like me has felt this. I’m sorry that you have been through this and some much has had to change because of it. I wish you the best *hug if okay*

I can't stop thinking that who I am is because of what he did. I can't stop thinking that I like the things I do, and I do the things I do because he made me into this. Into this girl who was introduced to sex way too early. Who became used to the idea of sex and actually liked it. Everyone describes victims of sexual abuse as people who never want to have sex again, but I am not like that. Does that make me sick and disgusting? Does that mean he still has control over me? I don't know. I do know that I am making my own choices. I make my choices for me and my future, not to pleas

Maybe I really was abused. I was able to talk to one of the specialists on RAINN today. They agreed what I went through is qualified as abuse. Sexual, Physical and Emotional. As I have begun to open up I am beginning to discover all that really occurred in the relationship. Not that it can really be qualified as a relationship. Maybe the relationships I have been in are not right. Maybe it's not normal to be threatened and held too tight if I didn't send the pictures he wanted. I don't know, but a lot is starting to remind me of him, I don't know why now? It's been alm