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amallison0084

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. My brother was my best friend he was supposed to come here this year and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my daughter and I. since he took his life he took that away from me and from my daughter. I am still trying to find my place in the world without him. going through the recent sexual assult I would have turned to him but hes not there. im alone in my head trying to wrap my brain around everything that has happened. I just don't know how to stay strong and im exhausted. why couldn't he care enough to stay here reach out to me I would have done anything, ANYTHING, in my ability to help
  2. well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when in the hospital my grandmother told him that he was not welcome at the hospital. we had planned on
  3. @Capulet or @Iheartcupcakes would be able to explain it better. but it is great to know your not alone and that you have support through the holidays.
  4. last year we did an awesome thing. holiday buddies. I think it would be a great thing to do again this year. I can not participate but it may help other members it helped me last year
  5. i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alone anymore, damn i hope this helps. somebody that was like a grandfather to me passed. he was the la
  6. @Bluesclues. yes he is a psych doctor with an actual degree. yes he took me off ALL meds and i take 9 different medications. although i dont like being on medication the way he did it was uncalled for and in my opinion unethical. currently yes i have to take meds but do hope to come off of them if able to in the future. i was beyound pissed off but there was nothing i could do. what he did was dangerous and could have been worse than what it was. yes i told him that he was either putting me back on them or putting me in the hospital. i knew one way or the other i didnt care which but i couldnt
  7. i tried really hard to get the refill to last me until i was able to see him. i am still looking for a new psych doctor. as i said i think what he did was dangerous and was not thought through properly. i guess looking back yes i was demanding but i had to speak up because i knew that i couldnt stay safe anymore. i am doing better but still not where i need to be. its still up and down because the meds are getting back into my system. the nightmares have become to much to handle. i have to contact the agency twice a day again or else be put on a 48 hour hold. since i have a child i cant let t
  8. Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for two weeks at a time. so naturally i go in last thursday to pick them up. they werent ready and they h
  9. During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that i am i am begging to question my behaviors that lead to the assults. example... if i hadnt gotten i
  10. used to feel like i belonged not so much now

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      i know what you mean , it's hard to feel like you belong here sometimes.

      sitting with you.

  11. Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments like she looks like her. well the questions dont get easier that is for sure. so being mothers day my
  12. Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be. i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont
  13. as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my litt
  14. I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I thought it was cute and was down at that time so I made sure to thank the person for that kind gest
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