AlyssaLane

"It gets better." A phrase I'm sure we've all scoffed at at one time or another. Something none of us thought we could achieve; "better." The thing that bothered me about it, though, wasn't that I never believed things could get better-- it's that I never believed "better" was going to be good enough. How much better could things possibly get? A few years ago, everything felt hopeless. I didn't see any point in living every day, I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't feel like my life had a purpose. I didn't think the endless void I felt was inside of me could ever be filled.

It's been a really long time since I've visited this website. I honestly don't think I can even say I fully recognize the person I was when I wrote my past blog entries. What's funny to me is back then the phrase "it gets better" was something I laughed at because I heard it constantly from people I didn't think understood what I was going through. I realize now, though, that things genuinely do get better. I still obviously have really bad days where I struggle, I've honestly been in a bad place for the past few months, but things are worlds away from the misery I was going through in high sc

I did a bad thing. I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and just casually looking at memes, my favorite pass time. But Facebook always has your suggested friends that interrupts the memes every few post. And in those suggested friends, I saw my rapist. I stared at his photo for a moment just kind of disgusted. He looked so happy and care free. I know I shouldn't have done it but... I clicked the profile. I didn't realize how active he had been the past few months. I thought he was still in jail or on the other side of town selling crack. He has another fake name. Looking at his

It's been a long time and a lot of things have changed. I wish that I could say that everything was okay and normal, but in all honesty, my first semester in college was not at all what I had expected. I was expecting this new chapter in life where I would be more happy and that everything would finally be okay. Of course, however, that was not the case at all. I had a very lonely, isolated, shitty time in pretty much every aspect of college. I don't really have very many friends anymore. The thing about college is that all of your old friends can start to ignore you on weekdays just lik

Ms. Tipton is my old APUSH teacher. And has somehow managed to become one of my best friends. Now, I know that sounds bizarre and probably kind of silly, but it's true. From the start, she always knew when something was wrong with me. In February of 2017, my ex girlfriend of a year and half, had cheated on me and broken up with me. And this woman, who barely knew me at the time, was the only one who helped me. Naturally, I wasn't being myself. No one else noticed or if they did, they didn't say anything. But when she saw me after school that day, she was the only one who asked me what was

I've only been moved out for a few days now, but I feel like I'm actually kind of happy for the first time in a while. Ever since I moved in, I haven't woken up feeling like shit or being unhappy. I really hope this is a feeling that sticks, because I really like it. I have motivation for things now, and although I have my shit moments throughout the day, each day is actually kind of a good day. That is not something I ever could have said before. I think being in that house was a big cause of my depression. I hated it there. I never felt loved or wanted. But now that I've moved out so f

I finally moved out of the house I've called home for the past 12 years of my life. For some reason, I feel like this is going to be the start of something great. I have spent so many years in that house just being depressed and alone. But I'm finally out and in my own living space. I feel like I'm finally free, though I do really miss my dog. I have a lot of roommates. We all have our own rooms, except me and one other girl. I guess I just have shitty luck. I've come to learn that almost everything that happens in my life has some kind of downside to it. But that's okay. I can get

I finally got a job. I had been applying pretty much everywhere, everyday, since June. Applying for jobs basically became my job, only it only lead to constant disappointment and I didn't get paid. I even got a job at one my favorite fast food places. So now I get half priced food of pretty much my favorite food. This all sounds great, in theory, but there's a huge problem with my job that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle. I applied to every location, except one, for a very specific reason. I interviewed at the location closest to my house and actually a few others that

A few months ago, I was awarded an alumni scholarship from my high school. Every year they post the winners with their picture and biography. In my biography, I wrote about what happened to me. I left in how I was assaulted when I was 11 and it's going to be posted on a public website where a lot of people I know are likely going to see it. Normally, the idea of this would bring me to pain and tears and I would be having an anxiety attack at the very idea of doing such a thing. But for the first time in my life I'm actually okay with something like this. I think that it's important

I can't sleep. I can never sleep. All summer I haven't been able to sleep. This could be either due to a certain "anniversary" or because my sister is always around while I'm trying to sleep. I can't sleep with someone awake around me. I don't know why. I also can't sleep without backround noise. And I have to be hugging something. A blanket, a pillow. Doesn't matter. I always need a fan. Even in the winter I turn it on so it's really cold. On nights where I'm hot I have nightmares again. Sometimes they happen even when I'm comfortable. I always get anxious at night. It usually take

I'm at the top of a hill, taking a break. Breathless. Exhausted. I've only been riding a few days. And it has become both the best and worst part of my life. The hill is long and steep and, and the intersecting road that lies at the end is incredibly busy. Cars whirling by, horns blaring at one another, drivers shouting harsh words, and children sitting clueless in the back seats. All of these things slowly become a complete blur. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I push the bike forward and lift my feet from the peddles. I'm on auto pilot. The bike starts plowing

Why am I so fucking alone? I exist like I'm on an island. In the middle of nowhere. An island that is uncharted and unexplored. Full of disgusting, deadly, and dangerous animals are creatures that the human mind can barely comprehend. Parasites that could kill you in an instant. Beasts that could swallow you whole. And I'm tasked with the sole task of survival. Everyday, I see planes soar by overhead. I hear boats slowly cost by. And none of the people aboard even bother to give me a second glance. When I was a child, I used to imagine myself being entirely alone. I would ima

Everything I do is pointless. I can hear sirens screaming from the streets outside. Whirling past my house-back and forth. All night. Every night. Most nights I can't help but wish they were for me. Not because anything awful was done to me-- God knows I don't want that again. But because I finally did something awful to myself. That for once I did something that wasn't. I could do a million things. And I would never change. I could be the polar opposite of what I am now and I would still hate myself. I just can't help it. And to work to fix it just feels irrelevant. Inconsequentia

I've always imagined what my life would be like if I were never raped. I made a list, once. I wrote down every single thing I wish I was, that I knew be if that never happened. And then I wrote down everything I was because of it. It was a long list. I felt disgusted with myself and who I have become. I thought of the people in my life who are happy and optimistic. I thought about how envious I was of their ability to see the good in people and the good in life. I looked in the mirror and just felt disgusted with myself. I was disgusted with who I had become. I'm so pessimistic and negat