girlsnz

May be Triggering - Need Support and possibly pocket riders 

This has been a tough week; I get worse as Father's Day approaches.I was born on Father's Day; and my birthday is on Fathers Day this year. My stepmother's birthday was on June 26th. When my parents were alive we would celebrate together on one day. I miss them this time of year.

But I also have a bad feeling when I think about Father's Day or my birthday. No memories; I just feel apprehensive and scared. I don't know if he abused me; just because I have a bad feeling doesn't mean anything happened. 

But it certainly feels like something happened. My body is reacting as if I'm having a  flashback but there are no memories.

It feels like there are memories; but I'm trying really hard not to let them break free - I really don't want to remember anything else. But the feeling isn't going away. I know that I will feel better once I get through Sunday. I'm tired of struggling with this every year.

The obvious thing that comes to mind is that the abuse is a birthday or Father's Day gift; or maybe both. Is that too obvious? Am I taking the fear and uneasiness and letting my imagination run away from me? I don't want to get beyond the feelings; in fact I want the feelings to go away and not come back.

Something happened yesterday; it seems to be making everything worse.

I found out that a man from my church died. I have known him all of my life; I grew up with his children. He was always a kind, patient, gentle man. I always felt safe around him. Looking back he is what I would want for a father if I got to pick my own father. He was 93 years old and up until about 6 months ago he would take meals from the church to a homeless shelter. 

I never let anyone in;i never allow anyone to get close to me, I never allow myself to care about anyone. I didn't realize how much I cared for him until he died. I wont be able to attend his funeral - which really makes me sad. 

I go back to the doctor tomorrow, I guess it's really today, I'm not looking forward to that either - more back manipulation - guaranteed. 

I feel like I am all over the place; but I could you see some support this week - unless until I make it through Sunday.