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Everything posted by AllyHatter

  1. To whom it may concern, I don't think about my trauma as much anymore. I don't wake up screaming every night anymore. I don't pull away from someones touch as often anymore. Those things are still there and probably always will be. Cruel reminders, scars that will always be there no matter how much I age, but with time, I've learned to breathe through the trauma, quiet the screams, and force myself closer to the people I want close. It's not that it isn't still scary or isn't still painful. It's more about appreciating the world around and the people who want to love and care for yo
  2. To whom it may concern, I apologise for today's entry. I'm writing it on my phone. I've never been afraid to lose someone. Like relationship wise. I usually am with a person because they seem like they like having me around and I like having someone around. Anyone...I just figured...I dont really get feelings. At least not those kinds...or maybe I already feel them and I dont even know it!... Then I met jill. She's so strange haha. And makes me feel so strange...she is unsocial and scary but secretly she hates confrontation. She's outgoing and yet she knows better then to go rock cli
  3. Feeling brave makes me question why i was ever afraid

  4. AllyHatter

    White Bird

    thank you it will suck but i have my brother and my beautiful gf to get me through it
  5. Thank you @samantha2009 It means the world to me
  6. AllyHatter

    White Bird

    To whom it may concern, I don't believe in signs or superstitions. I don't believe in fate. I believe that thins will happen whether you have your lucky horseshoe or not. One day as I was walking to work I saw this white bird. It was sitting on the power lines with so many pigeons next to it and it was the only white one in the crowd. For a very small moment I thought, "haha who knows maybe this is a sign of good luck. Maybe I'll have a good day." That day was terrible. I thought "Figures. Good luck charms aren't real." It kept happening though. Every few days that bird would
  7. To whom it may concern, I know I've been giving you guys happy entries these past few days and I am happy and yet my head won't let me be. My dad's still in the hospital. I haven't really spoken much about my dad. So here goes. My dad....hes my hero. He has always been the light in my life that can brighten any day. He reminds me how amazing and strong I am and he doesn't even know what I'm going through. Even though he has never really understood me as a person, I'm still his daughter and he wants me to know how much he loves me every single day...even though I know things would be
  8. To whom it may concern, I woke up next to the most amazing woman. She makes me smile like I've never smiled and laugh like I've never heard a dad joke before! I told her I love her.... Or at least that I could love her. Now I've only known her a short time but have you ever felt like....the whole world just got brighter? Now I know I've said that before but I feel like I have been looking through tinted glasses my entire life and now I can see clearly. Like all the love and acceptance I've been shown by her....is something I should have felt from the ones who are closest to me a
  9. To whom it may concern, She picked me up from work and we went to Timmies. I bought us coffee and we spent another night just talking and laughing and listening to music and talking too loud. I was so scared she'd never try to kiss me, and when I reached for her hand, I knew I had to try because that hand in mine just made everything feel...empty without her. I know, I know! Big feels for such a short amount of time but I mean...she really did make me feel like...I can conquer the world with 1 hand behind my back as long as the other one is holding hers. Anyways, I made my move (good
  10. To whom it may concern, So, I know it's been quite a while but I just needed a place to talk about this because well...I haven't told my family I am bi sexual. Now, my friends know but those are very limited...and I need somewhere I can let go and just talk about her. She works across the parking lot of my work. I see her all the time. She comes in for energy drinks and she says a quick hi and maybe a few conversations here and there, nothing special. They were drinking at her work after close and invited me. I went to say bye and when I saw her....she was just so glad to see
  11. Hey...I know we haven't talked in a while but I wondered how you'd been...The fact you went through this and I wasn't there for you really bothers me. Reach out if you ever need to talk. You know my number.
  12. AllyHatter

    Bad day?

    Thank you Mai. It truly is appreciated
  13. AllyHatter

    Bad day?

    To whom it may concern, Today, I feel...weird. I don't really feel like its been a bad day. Somehow, I just went through the motions without really realizing what I was doing today. I just kinda snapped into it a few moments ago when I started writing. Seems like I may have been having a few of these days lately but I haven't really realized it 'till now. I know I went to work. I know I smiled and made jokes like I always do. I know I went for a smoke at lunch but I feel like these are someone else's memories. Like I wasn't the one who did those things. I kinda feel like someone els
  14. To whom it may concern, It's mother's day and my mom has been an issue I have stayed away from for quite a while but I think I'm ready to talk about it. I wish it wasn't a issue but sadly it is so here goes. I have a mother. She is not exactly a mom. I wish she could be but she isn't exactly what you would call motherly. I was never able to tell her about my rape. I still couldn't tell her. A few stories for context. My earliest memory about feeling insecure was when I was about 10. My mother got me into acting very early in my life. Put all the money into a college fund for me. Very
  15. To whom it may concern, I'm not sure what I want to write today... I just know that writing somehow gives me a sense of peace. I like to just write random words at time. No sense to them. Sometimes it's just a jumble of words on a piece of paper, no real place, no real meaning. I used to draw a lot to calm myself. I stopped. I realized as I got older that I was no longer drawing things to calm me...I was angry. I would start drawing a flower and then all my pain and anger would come out and the drawing would just become a giant black void. I didn't like the way it made me feel anymor
  16. To whom it may concern, I don't get it. I mean I really don't get it. I'm a very quiet person. I don't stand out unless I feel comfortable. I do not wear provocative clothing cause I don't like eyes on me. I wear my glasses and hide behind my hair and yet still, it never stops. Why do certain people feel the need to make me feel so small and uncomfortable. I am working at a factory. I love this job. I actually kinda feel comfortable there and have a few friends who make me laugh. We were full coverage uniforms so you couldn't see anything interesting even if you tried your best
  17. Hi, I know it's hard. I know some days getting out of bed is the battle you face and it takes everything you have...yet no one realizes the struggle you have inside. No one appreciates the small victories you have every day. I'm not saying I have anything good to tell you or any advice...I go through similar things. every day. But, if you ever wanna chat, vent, appreciate the small victories...Message me. Alice.
  18. To whom it may concern, It sure has been a while since I've been on here... I stopped coming to the site because I honestly felt worse somehow. I mean in the real world I have my smile to protect me, I have my secrets. I am safe. On here...you all know. You've all been through something similar and I think the knowledge that carrying this pain doesn't make a difference really scares me. That boyfriend and I broke up. Mutual. I wanted more, he wanted less and we decided it was for the best. I'm single right now. Though I wish I wasn't. Usually that sentence would go al
  19. To whom it may concern, I sort of have this secret that no one knows about me but it's something that really bothers me and that is honestly a huge part of my depression. Seven years ago, when I was raped, I got pregnant. I was a 13 year old who was pregnant. Here's the kicker. I didn't know I was pregnant until a week later when I got really bad pain in my stomach and went to the bathroom and found blood and stuff. It scared me but I was smart enough to know not to go to my parents. They are very religious and would have disowned me... So instead I told my mom I felt weird, I was th
  20. To whom it may concern, I know it seems impossible, improbable but I must attract horrible experiences. Maybe I did something in a previous life. Maybe I was a murderer. Possibly Jack the Riper. Seems to be fitting punishment if I was. Last night, I had a migraine. Usually, cold air helps so I decided, like an idiot, to go out for a walk around 2 am. Stupid, right? I was just heading back home, another 20 min and I would be in my house, warm and safe but that future was not in the cards for me I suppose. I didn't even hear anyone behind me or anything. I was preoccupied by the throb
  21. To whom it may concern, I am sure I have mentioned this before but I want to re-examine what's going on and write it all down. Seven years. It has been seven years since it happened. Since he hurt me. It's actually going to be eight years this year. I read a post a few months ago that said; Today in science class, I learned every cell in our entire body is replaced every seven years. How lovely it is to know, one day I will have a body you will never have touched. I found that poetic seeing as my seven year...anniversary of sorts would be coming up quite soon. When it fina
  22. AllyHatter

    The rain.

    To whom it may concern, Have you ever stood outside in the rain, looked up and just felt the rain fall on your face, felt the drops roll down your skin? I'm sure a lot of you have cried, of course everyone has at one point or another, but I mean really cried. The kind of crying where you can feel your entire soul reaching out. The kind of crying where you feel knots in your stomach and a relief when it's over. Like it has given you a chance to start over. Not like it really is a clean slate but more like...those tears have been pilling up for so long and are so happy to be released.
  23. To whom it may concern, I've been sitting here, staring at this screen for over five minutes. I'm not sure what to write. I feel low. I feel myself slipping more and more these past few days. I was on top of the world with a man who loved me a few days ago. I was finally feeling okay and starting to believe I was more then just a victim. More then just this piece of shit no one bothers to even look at. Today, I feel like every inch of my physical pain is just what I deserve. I...am just...I don't know. I feel pretty empty. Unfeeling. Just completely done...I want to talk to my boyfr
  24. Decided I would now start these entries with the following; To whom it may concern, I started seeing someone. Someone I care very much about. He makes me smile. I even went off my depression meds for a few days because he was around and all I feel when he's around is happiness and safety. I'm afraid though. He is so amazing. He has a child, he is faithful, smart, funny, caring. He takes interest in me like no one ever has. We have a lot in common but not everything and even the things he doesn't quite understand about me, he tried to. My love of libraries, for example. I had the auda
  25. AllyHatter


    Well I've seen a doctor but they just think it's headaches and I'm complaining about nothing
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