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Kirby

Member
  • Content Count

    20
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England
  • Interests
    Music, writing, beer pong and reading.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Kirby

    Thoughts

    Today is the third day I have called in sick at work. I can't afford it, but I can't face people. I think the same is about to happen here, I think today is my final day here. Ive tried to work through my shit, I've tried to be open about my issues but all I'm doing is rehashing painful memories, all I'm doing is making noise. I feel like a fraud here, I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad...I feel like it was nothing compared to others here. this won't get read and I'm okay with that, I only ever wanted to use this space to let out fears and emotions that I have to k
  2. Feeling more isolated than ever today. 

  3. Kirby

    Control

    I struggle with control...well, I struggle with relinquishing it to be more accurate. I have a genetic fault that puts me pretty high up on the cancer risk...99% by the time I'm 40 kinda high. I'm meant to go for screening every 8 to 12 months but I rarely make it. Ive had two screenings over the last few years, one because I managed to convince my doctor to let me swallow a pill camera rather than being sedated and the second screening I managed to convince him not to give me any anaesthetic....probably the worst idea ever as that resulted in a fuck tonne of pain and a panic attack
  4. Kirby

    yo-yo

    I made it through the day. I'm home, I've eaten and showered and I'm now sat on my comfy sofa in the warmth of my house. Today was hard. It wasn't horrendous for any particular reason....it was just one of those difficult days. last night I managed to wrestle an hours sleep from somewhere. I struggled all night. My heart rate wouldn't go down, my thoughts would not quiet and my self loathing was through the roof. when 4:45am came around I got out of bed and pit on my cycling gear, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and kissed my sleeping partner goodbye and cycled the 8 mil
  5. Kirby

    Spiral

    I hit that good old self destruction button again. I was pushing myself so hat and I thought I was doing the right thing and then I panicked and I just gave up...I always do this. I'd emailed the local rape crisis centre, I'd spoken briefly to someone concerning what I was looking for and they were waiting on me to drop by and speak to them. People on here were being supportive and kind whilst encouraging me along....and i just...I just stopped believing it was that bad, stopped believing it wasn't my fault, stopped believing that it was his fault and not mine. I started drinking hea
  6. Emailed a potential therapist, she emailed back. Tomorrow she's gonna call me. 

    Nervous. Terrified. Hopeful. 

    1. crushedflower

      crushedflower

      Good for you for reaching out. It seems so terrifying. i know that feeling all too well. However, it was the best thing I ever did to help myself. Hope all goes well! Feel free to post about it in the Therapy Discussion Section.

      thinking of you!

      Flower

  7. I've decided to try and write something every day. It's day two and here I am...writing...I don't have much faith in me sticking to this. I was gonna spew some bullshit about how I am positive right now and how I'm gonna try and get through all of this....but that's all it would be. Bull. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling scared and I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and nervous about the next few days. I'm trying to believe that I was raped that it wasn't my fault, that I had no part in how everything all those years ago playe
  8. Kirby

    Memories

    You have no idea how much your response means to me....thank you. I wish I could search out what you have suggested. I wish I could find someone to talk to about this face to face but I'm not that brave. I told one person about what happened. It was 9 years later and she was my best friend. She got angry and upset that night....but following that she ignored me completely. We didn't talk for three weeks and when we finally reconnected, I just shut off to her. We haven't spoken in 5 years. Maybe she didn't believe me or she thought I was overreacting. I had only worked up
  9. Feeling self destructive :/ 

  10. Kirby

    Memories

    It hits me when I least expect it. When I would never in a million years think for it to happen, and recently it's hit me hard. I'll be at a bar with friends or having a BBQ on the beach, I'll be cycling down a canal path or pushing my niece on a swing.....then it comes out of nowhere. First it's just his name. Dave. I try to shake it off every time but it never works. It gets worse after that. I see the pub sign...a grey horse...that's where it happened. The grey horse. I see green tiles. A phone on the floor. His black shoes and my trainers. I see a blue/grey shirt
  11. Hi guys, Thank you all for the warm welcome ans kind words
  12. Hi...I'm new here, obviously. Uhm...I'm not sure if I belong here, what happened to me happened a long time ago and I'm having doubts about what happened. I used to use a site like this a few years back, I talked to people and for a while I got better, I accepted things and stopped hating myself.....But it's been a while and I'm turning against myself again...I think...ugh, I dunno. Sorry for being so confusing. Hopefully I can work through stuff here. So yea, hi!
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