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I'm reading the Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.

Its brought up a ton of weird mixed feelings.   I'm not too far into it but I can feel loads of mixed emotions I'm not sure about.

I can feel it in my chest, its like a burning feeling.  It creeps into my stomach and I'm not sure where it came from.  I was reading about memories of abuse and how sometimes we don't remember what happened to us but if we have a feeling something happened to us, it likely did.

How can something happen to you and you not know about it?  I have fragments of weird things that i can remember.  They don't have a lot of emotion around them but I just have this incessant feeling that there is something more I don't know about.

Trigger Warning.

1. When I reflect on my childhood I really don't recall any overt abuse other than the childhood friend I had.  I remember we were at her family cabin but where this was, dates and times are a mystery to me.  I remember we must have been younger maybe around 7 or 8 maybe?  I remember we were in a bunk bed in a side room that wasn't really a room but an open area that had some distinction between it and the other areas of the cabin.  I remember we were on the top bunk and we were under the blankets.  I remember being on my back with her over me.  She told me to pretend her hand/fingers was/were the tongue of a boy I was openly crushing on and proceeded to run her fingers along my legs and up my thighs into my vagina.  I don't remember if she penetrated me or not but I know she was rubbing me quite a bit.  I remember her dad coming into the room/area and asking what we were doing and she said 'nothing' and then began to tell her dad that we were playing a "cat and mouse" type game where we were crawling around under the sheets chasing each other.  I remember feeling like we weren't supposed to be doing it but we were.  I remember we used to be good friends when we were children and then we all of a sudden hated each other.  I don't remember why and it became a life long thing that we never liked each other...  I wonder if there was more to these experiences than what I can recall now.  Later on as I became more educated on these issues I kind of figured that she had been victimized herself and wrote it off as that.  Part of me wants to message her and see.

I remember feeling scared to piss during the night and not remembering why.  I slept with my lamp on forever and would stay up on some nights, nearly the whole night, frozen in fear unable to speak and never sure why.  

Even as I'm writing this I'm experiencing vertigo.  My heart is beating hard and I feel kind of sick.

I don't have any other memories about sexual abuse that could have happened to me as a kid.  Most of my memory is spotty at best so I'm not sure if these things are related or not.

I had a dream about my uncle the other night. I feel like I wrote about it somewhere but I dont remember where.  I woke up with a very strange mix of feelings.  I wish I could remember more....

One thing I truly struggle with is allowing myself to feel hurt about what happened.  How can I be upset when the people who hurt me don't even know they raped someone?  I carried a lot of pain for a while and they probably honestly thought nothing of it.  It was just another "drunken hook-up".  I was just another body to use.

Why couldn't they choose a different course of action?  Why couldn't they have found somewhere else to go instead of the couch my passed out body lie on?  Why couldn't they just leave me be?  Why did they have to take my clothes off.  Why did they have to bend me over the arm rest and do what they pleased with me.

I was nothing to them and I'm the one left with all the resentment and anger.

I don't understand it.  I struggle with this all the time.  I feel like I asked for it.  

Feeling a little hopeless...

Still trying to figure this out.