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Blog Entries posted by Melvin

  1. Melvin
    In my head I wrote this in the style of open mic poetry night sort of thing. But this one will never be spoken by me. I wish I could though, even if I just heard it out loud.
    I don't know how to really BE with someone anymore.
    Something subtle starts to grip my mind and wipes it clean

    it's the quietest scream I've ever felt.He was supposed to love me...
    and he was suposed to care for me...
    and he was supposed to know the most about me...
    I made it through the first
    "You were too young"
    "It could have been so much worse"
    "The memories are such a blur"
    I can still remember his daffy duck impression though
    I made it through the second
    At least he didn't touch me
    shrugging off the memory
    I just stare forward in time like I did in that room
    I can still feel the heat of panic run down my neck though
    I broke on the third
    There was something different that time
    something unnerving about how I trusted him
    It shook me the way I made my voice heard
    My confidence soared, I was in control
    but I broke that time
    It was the quietest snap I ever heard
    It took me over a year to process that night
    one day it just hit me. The man I was with at that time just said
    "I was wondering when you would see it for what it really was".
    The woman who was supposed to love me just sighed

    she never did end up believing meThe drinking at a peak
    I had no will to live
    struggling to win against the pessimism that had gripped me

    never safe
    never loved
    never heard

    I reached out.
    I caved in.
    I'm living now, but I feel like I'll never win.
    I'm better now, but this is the quietest war there's ever been.
  2. Melvin
    In the last year or so I've gained quite a bit of weight. I now have stretch marks all over because of how quickly I gained it. I didn't try to gain it it just kind of happened because I went off my medication for a while because I kept not getting to the doctor. I was afraid of the fact that I didn't have insurance. I used to look in the mirror and love myself but now I look in the mirror and I see something completely unattractive. I didn't wear shorter shorts this summer, I didn't wear my favorite sun dresses, I couldn't afford to buy all the cute new clothes I would have loved to be able to wear.
    I am beautiful, but I don't feel that I can be sexual. My weight feels like too much of a burden. But even with all that insecurity I feel wonderful. I don't feel as scared anymore. I'm aware that victims come in all shapes and sizes, but I just feel less like an option for predators and I have less propositions in general. It makes me feel safer.
    I want to be healthy, but I'm afraid to lose weight. I'm afraid of adding some other guy to the list of people that wouldn't listen when I said "No" or set a boundary.
  3. Melvin
    The other day my mom asked me "Remember that time you ran away and the cops found you down at that park?" the questions she asked blurred into "I think I know what happened but I 1) can't believe it and 2) Will if you open up to me". She's not so eloquent though and asks things like "How did you get all the way out there?" and "What were you doing out there?".
    That has always been something that comes up in my memory frequently. But when she asked about this I couldn't bring myself to tell her that the 35 year old man the cops found me in that car with was my first at 12 years old. There are many things I remember distinctly; the taste and smell, his little brother's bunk bed, the way the white of his eyes stood out in the dark, and my favorite was his voice impressions. He could do Donald Duck among other things. I remember the exact cell phone that I had, a small pearl blue one without texting.
    But I can't remember his face, the car he drove, or the way we met. That has been what is bothering me lately;

    How could I forget?
    I can remember the position, scrambling for our clothes, putting on his shirt because I couldn't find mine. The cops asked questions, "No, we didn't do anything". I'm sure that they expected to find two teens escaping to the park but instead found a victimized, confused 12 year old girl with a full grown man. I remember them telling my mom that they couldn't do anything if I said nothing happened. I found and changed to my own shirt and went home.
    But I can't remember him standing there by the nearby tree, I can't remember how muscular or scrawny he was without his shirt on.
    It's always bothered me, and sometimes I wonder if I could remember more could I have stopped the other times from happening? Would I have seen the signs? To this day I live guilty that I can't be with a man of the same ethnicity because to me all his is is a full grown man that broke the trust of a young girl. A faceless man with skin, a motive, and a way of making me feel treasured.
    I can remember his girlfriend's voice when she picked up his phone finally one day. "Who is this?" "This is his girlfriend." "How old are you?". It turned out that she was pregnant with his child. Sometimes I want to sit down with that young woman and tell her I'm sorry that she had to find out her child's father was a pedophile from me in such a crude way. I had no idea at the time how wrong the whole situation was back then, I just knew he was cheating on us.
    I know all these things, sometimes it all comes back to me in a rush. It's like a nagging feeling that something isn't right. I feel like I need to know his face, how he got me... but I can't remember. It was 12 years ago now and even today I find that the guilt of the experience creeps into my every day life. I have moved on but not moved on, it still hurts. How could I forget things so important?
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