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LeanneGeorge

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Blog Entries posted by LeanneGeorge

  1. LeanneGeorge

    Triggers!

    By LeanneGeorge,

    I've recently started dealing with my abuse before now I pretended it did't happen and all of a sudden I have a million new triggers! Before it would happen every now and then if a certain song came on or if I was watching something or cleaning but that was it. But now I have a huge list of new one.
    Police now make me trigger. Adverts on the telly. Looking into the mirror, certain foods. Certain smells. Some people are starting to trigger me even tho there not my abuser there someone who's actually supported me until now.going to bed at night. When it rains everything is triggering me and I feel like I carnt escape it.
    Please help me I'm going insane I feel like I'm having a meltdown and I carnt get away from my own mind I just need the abuse to stop as although it has in reality mentally the pain won't leave. I'm at a loss and spend most of my time huddled somewhere crying I'm starting to Turely believe I carnt get thru this!
    Lots of love leanneGeorge
    XxX
  2. LeanneGeorge

    Issue 1

    By LeanneGeorge,

    I find navigating in this world very difficult due to my past experiences. I struggle to understand the right things to say ,how to react in certain situations and investing my time in the things I should.I find everyday occurrences to be very challenging and difficult. I would like to share my struggle with you if you have the time to see if a problem shared is a problem halved.
    Issue #1
    I have recently discovered I can not handle being criticised even when it comes from a loving source or is Infact a truth I'm aware of, I just can not handle it and I shut down. I go into panic mode and begin to attack with a very sharp tongue. When ever I seem to hear about my short falls all I hear is YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Now I heard this plenty of times from my abuser and things of this nature and have no trouble tracking my issues and figuring out that it's more than likely the cause. The only things is I live in a world where everyone is critical so I can not keep running away from these conversations especially when sometimes I need to hear what there saying.
    So I'm trying to figure out a way I can maturely have a conversation with someone about improving my self without throwing all the walls up and feeling like the little girl trapped in a corner again whilst being told your not good enough! I need to learn to grow from my issues and learn to take on my imperfections. It's not that I love myself too much or my ego is deflated when I hear these things. I just go into melt down mode and my heart just pains when I hear this things I'm not so good at.
    Maybe I just hold my tongue and cry about it later? Do I need to address my issues with myself? Do I have a right to not want to hear negative feedback? What do I do? And the question I'm asking you is what would you do?
    Sincerely LeanneGeorge
  3. LeanneGeorge

    Feeling So Alone

    By LeanneGeorge,

    I am feeling so down so lonely I can not bare it. I spend most evening alone just crying for hours. I'm tired and exhausted from being so alone I'm drained.I feel so down and out and that things could never get better. There's no where I feel I can turn and nobody that understands.
    I feel like words can not explain how alone I feel. I live alone and my daughter goes to her fathers every other day. I need something to fill the void. I need some help please I can not be this miserable any longer it's to much to bare.
    I'm losing any hope of my life every being worth living. I feel like all I've ever done for as long as I can remember is either suffer from abuse, or feel so hurt and alone by recovering from the abuse. I really need a little piece of happiness for times like this because this is getting very very difficult! When my daughter is gone I have nothing and feel like the last person on earth I'm that lonely.
  4. LeanneGeorge

    Issue #2

    By LeanneGeorge,

    I find navigating in this world very difficult due to my past experiences. I struggle to understand the right things to say ,how to react in certain situations and investing my time in the things I should.I find everyday occurrences to be very challenging and difficult. I would like to share my struggle with you if you have the time to see if a problem shared is a problem halved.
    Issue #2
    How do you be ok when your not? How do you keep going when you have nothing left? Where do you get the energy or motivation to change your life around when life has been so difficult up to now? I have a few things in my life that bring me the only sparkle of hope and happiness like my daughter I just feel so weak and don't know how to be ok? Me and my partner (my daughters father) have recently split up and when he takes her for the evening or day I seem to just breakdown and have like a mini meltdown til she gets back and I have a reason to put on my brave face.
    I find myself gong out at any opportunity I can to fill the lonely gaps between having her and although actually drinking or getting drunk doesn't seem to be my obsession I just seem to feel the need to be out all of the time. How do you find happiness with in yourself? How do you appreciate your own company? I'm just really finding tough right now and feel like a terrible mother that carnt pick myself up and dust myself off.
    So what I'm asking this time is,how do you fill the void of being alone? How do you become happy with yourself? Will I ever pick myself up? How can I get my life in check? When will I be ok? What I'm really asking is what would you do?
    Thanks leanneGeorge xx
  5. LeanneGeorge

    Difficult

    By LeanneGeorge,

    Please bare with me as this is very difficult to write and although I'm writing it I'm not sure I'm going to post it. I just need to get things off my chest and outta my head and just stop them festering inside my brain and depriving me of sleep. I have so many feelings and emotions over my abuse that it's hard to put it down in words but I suppose it's worth a try. Right now anything is worth a go.
    I'm struggling, really struggling I have this overwhelming of guilt and shame that I carnt shake off and I'm riddled with self loathing beacuse of it. I carnt help but feel I've hurt people around me and that there all dealing with it badly. Everyone that's ever found out about my abuse has shortly after been strucken with such grief and depression they almost carnt function. I carnt help but feel I have caused there suffering and feel like I'm the one that's doing the abuse! In turn I carnt function and have lost all of myself! I'm nothing more than a shell of what once was and a completely unrecognisable character to what I know in my heart is my soul!
    I was repeatedly raped and abused by my at the time boyfriend and his friends on many occasions from the age of 12 to 18. I hid the abuse from my parents to protect them from what he said he would do to them and how much pain it would cause them if I told them. For my own safety and the safety of my loved ones I told no one.i then couldn't take anymore and somehow I had a connection and a feeling of trust with my now boyfriend but at the time a close friend who I was dating. I felt I could tell him anything. he was my saviour. I knew he'd keep me safe and I just felt like he was the only person I could tell. I had an overwhelming feeling that I had to ask for his help. Thank god I did because he put and end to my suffering.he was the best thing to happen to me and I don't like to think where I would be without him he and my daughter bring me a glimmer of hope and joy that this can get better.
    Now copeing with the suffering is just as painful and hard. I feel like I've put such a burden on my boyfriend like I've ruined his life. Like I've crushed his soul and left his with nothing but my pain. I feel like I've caused him pain like no other that I could never understand. I also panic about how it may impact my daughter. These thought are hard to live with and cause me a lot if heart ache. I love them both to the moon and back but feel like they would both of been better without me and the baggage of my abuse and past life.
    I struggle with mundane chores and life, small things become big obstacles to me and even moving myself from the sofa somedays is a battle within myself I carnt win. I carnt help but blame myself for putting myself in a position to let myself be taken advantage of. I feel resentment to my former self for ever believing that what happened was normal and I cry myself to sleep most evenings with the feeling of lonleyness.
    I keep telling myself things will get better but then another thing happeneds and life feels worse. All theses bad experiences are pileing up and I carnt shake them and I'm carrying each one round with me so the never ending list is becoming too heavy to bare. I've become so obsessed and self obsorbed in my own misery I doubt I'll ever see my optimistic self again and my glass will always be half empty.
    I find myself putting myself down just to hurt myself inside and feel so pleased with myself for inflicting that pain on myself. I purposely will compare myself to women any women and finding a way there better looking than me just to get the satisfaction of hurting myself. I find other ways of mentally torturing myself on a daily basis. Some ways are so very sadistic I'm embarrassed I actually put myself thru it and often do small thing to inflicked pain to myself. I push people I love the most away simply beacuse I feel I deserve the pain of losing them.
    I'm trying to find it within myself to finally flick the switch on life and see the light at the end of the tunnel but all I'm getting is the dark abiss of the tunnel I don't even know witch direction to walk to find it. Everything just feels so dark and difficult and moving forward although a dream is becoming a fairy tale like concept. Someone please tell me it gets better and I don't have to carry in feeling this way.
    Thanks for listening
    All my love and support now and always.
    Leanne George xx
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