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Blog Entries posted by StruggliNSilence14

  1. StruggliNSilence14
    Where to begin? I don't know how or where to begin. I am so tired of having the strength, day in and day out, that it takes to uphold my facade of happiness and peace and well-being. I am so tired of people asking me....
    "What's wrong?" I look at the person asking me that, and I pause for a moment..... I look into their eyes for a moment, only a moment, because I don't want them to see the dark horror, sadness, and never-ending pain that has become a permanent struggle for my life. So...I quickly look away and focus on doing everything I can to redirect my answer back to my facade.... I say with my strong, confident voice (in a very good acting mode-so good in fact, that I almost believe it, but only for a second)... my answer will always be: "I'm fine!...actually I'm great!... why?"... or "I'm just tired, we're all tired you know?" ....or "I don't feel well, I'll be ok." ....or (as I look as astonished as I possibly can) "What?? What makes you think I'm anything but great???"...
    ... Then I famously force distraction and redirect their concerned and inquisitive stare .....and then my passion and driven calling takes over....my purpose in life then comes to the rescue...which is to: help people....Help them, encourage them, inspire them, listen to them, help them understand clearer.... Guide them to find hope, patience, strength, love, joy, peace, fulfillment, inspiration, truth, grace, courage, determination, achievement, support, purpose, and drive...Adapt to their needs and emotions: be there when they need to talk, cry, vent, laugh, get angry, get frustrated, get impatient.... when they need advice, opinions, non-judgmental listening...when they need to be cared for, concerned about, and simply to be loved for all they are.
    All of this: I sincerely and truly am passionate about, because it's the truth... the reason I keep going... the reason I pick myself up and get out of bed every day... the reason I haven't given up.... the reason I cherish all the positive and inspirational stuff... the reason I have hope and strength to keep on going... the reason I have so much compassion for those who are hurting and struggling.........
    Why? Because... because I cling to the very deep roots of my soul... I focus all my energy and all my everything on my purpose, calling, dream, and intensely-driven vision to help people and I hope... I hope they may find their own peace, passion, and purpose... I hope that they may find their truth and find their success and power in life.
    Why? Because... I have buried all my trauma, deep within for an extremely long time. I have taught myself at the young age of 14, that if I allow myself to uncover the truth of all that I endured and was still enduring, then I strongly believed that I would most definitely be buried in the physical, very real sense. I buried my hurt, my pain, my shame, my terror, my tears, my confusion, my hopelessness, my anger.......I buried my emotions..my voice. I buried them so well, that I even started believing and accepting my new "normal". I denied myself of any feelings, of any relief or help...denied myself of any truth, hope, courage, or strength...denied myself all this and more, because I was too broken...shattered...lost...and most of all: Fearful.... go read my poem that I have posted- titled, "Fear"... it hopefully is written well enough to convey the truth, or as close to it as I can get. There is a 2nd one I have posted- titled, "Pain"... that also can hopefully make a weak attempt to describe my truth.
    Truth...I have kept all of this truth buried and hidden away from everyone- and I mean absolutely everyone. I am now 26 years old... this trauma- it has continued to follow me everywhere and it has continued to haunt me. My trauma started at age 14...until almost 16... then the same trauma happened at age 18... then at age 23 almost 24. Yes- same monster. No- not a family member or friend...Yes- was first a stranger in my neighborhood, then became (falsely of course) a "friend", then to become (reality) a monster (not a human- I believe humans have souls... and humans with souls do not torture and rape (yes I said it) and cause pain, torment, terror, and trauma to other humans).... this monster has come close to killing me and no, I most certainly do not say that lightly. I have the same terrorizing fear now that I had then. Why? Because he still remains free...free in society...free from any kind of bondage, free from any kind of burdens, free from any kind of tormented thinking, free from any consequences.
    "What's wrong?" .... Well, if I am to be completely honest and look at my reality and truth.... and have the courage and strength it will take to allow the facade to fall....
    Shattered. Shattered........shattered, broken, hurt, hopeless, terrorized, traumatized, desperate, weak, conflicted, unstable, uncertain, fearful.... My soul is engulfed with sadness, anger, fear, doubt, shame, struggles, conflict, burdens, and darkness.
    I have only just begun this journey- my journey of facing reality... facing my truth... facing my silent struggle... facing my pain and sadness and anger and fear. This silent struggle.... I have finally come to the crossroad: I can no longer keep up the facade and can no longer keep the mask on... I admit it after so very long: this girl...woman is no longer able to be strong enough to keep all my truth buried and is no longer able to be strong enough to continue to ignore it and deal with on my own. I wish I could be that strong.... Unfortunately, I admit that now...now I am the one that needs help, encouragement, support, and ..........
    I only hope I am not so shattered to be helped...I hope I am not so broken, too shattered beyond repair...I hope I am not falling apart too painfully to heal.
    ~I am afraid to tell people how I truly feel, because it will destroy them, so I bury it deep inside myself where it destroys me~
    ~Take Care...and Always Supporting, Listening, and Caring~
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