hayatee

I am supposed to be doing better. Why? Because I left those who are hurting me, grandparents, uncles, and basically everyone on my fathers side of the family. I am dead to them. This decision was necessarily, I know that, but it´s not something I wanted. I wanted to be able to live in peace with everyone. But they wouldn´t let me go so I had to take that step. How do I feel? Empty, scared, sad. I might have lost my father by doing this. And that breaks my heart. My depression and anxiety has gotten worse since this happened which was like two weeks ago and I didn´t even had the energy to writ

Hi Ana! So sweet of you to ask. I am doing okay.... No that´s a lie. Okay is the word I use for everything when I don´t know what else to say. Well I am trying, taking one day at a time, but I can´t say I am doing well. I am very down, very sad and not feeling so hopeful. But you asking how I am just made me feel better. How are you? Take care, Hayatee

Today I looked trough my journal. Well it´s not so much a journal, but more like a book to get my feelings out when it´s too much going on in my head. No dates, just notes, sometimes I ramble on for pages, sometimes it´s just some words or a drawing. One of the first things I wrote was right after the third rape, so sometime in January this year. Sometimes I feel so empty. Like I have shut down and can´t feel anything. I don´t have the energy to think. When I do, it´s all bad thoughts and horrible feelings. Better to just stop feeling and pretend I am doing okay when the truth is I am far from

Thanks for your support kungfu! I am taking your kind words to heart and trying to convince myself you are right. I am just struggling a lot right now, so what you wrote made my day a little better and gave me some strength. Take care and hugs, Hayatee

Hi there! I am also new here and I am dealing with everything so I can´t offer much help, but I guess I just want to say that I am here if you want to share something, vent or just talk about anything. I know sometimes it helps to just get it out to someone who won´t judge, and I won´t. I will give as much help as I can. Hugs and take care, Hayatee

<3 I am here for you

These last days have been really bad. I got some new meds to improve my sleep. Well I did sleep for 12 hours straight but for two days after I felt tired, dizzy, sick, I couldn´t even leave my bed. Today I went out, only to see my therapist. These last couple of times I haven´t been able to talk. Like I think I am going crazy, I am so angry at myself. Why can´t I talk? I look forward to each session, because I love my therapist but when I am there I just can´t talk. Shit, I hate myself so much. She must think I am wasting her time. I feel I do. I want her help but I can´t talk, I am so ashamed

Thank you for your support. But I am not handling things well. I am selfdestructive, I do isolate myself and I can´t even talk to my therapist because I don´t trust anyone. I take your words to heart and they mean a lot. take care

I haven´t gone out in days. I just lie in bed and read. Sometimes I watch tv-series as a break from reading. I cuddle my cat. This is what my life has become. No social life, no friends, no school, nothing. I have lost everything. My self. I don´t know who I am anymore. And I am afraid of living. I am just stuck. I can´t go back, I can´t move on.

When people tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me, that I shouldn´t give up because it gets better, I tell them that I don´t want to think about my future because I really don´t think I have something good waiting for me. These 20 years I have lived have been filled with sorrow and pain. Not that I haven´t felt happiness and I do have good memories. But I know I will never be happy again. I am forever caught in a battle between choosing my freedom and hurting my family or choosing my family and losing the little self-respect I actually have left. I was accused of being a w**re. Of hurt

Thank you everyone, I feel very welcome here. Yep, I have taken the first step and I glad to be surrounded by caring people like you all are. Hugs to you all, Hayatee

Hi! I am 20 years old, a girl living in Sweden. I am new here, and I am reaching out because I am so lonely in everything that is going on around me and I need to feel like I am not alone, that someone understands. I guess I don´t want to write more know, this is a big step for me though and also I want to say that I am here if anyone needs to talk. I hope I will learn to open up more here, because I have spent the last months being silent. Take care everyone