kyukidojen

Thank you Kevin.  It's great to hear from you.  The scan went fine.  Now it just has to go to another city to be read, and my doc will have the results Thursday morning.

Things have been brutal lately, but I feel like I'm finally starting to dig my way out.  I'd be lost without God, that's for sure.  Praying for you my friend.

Thanks a lot.  Glad to hear that things went ok today.  I am tired tonight but am having sleep troubles.  Too anxious and afraid.  I took some pills to calm me but they aren't working yet.  Hope the doc on Thursday has a plan for you.

take gentle care, 

kevin

The same here you have often crossed my mind when I was away from AS. I to am forever grateful to have found the site and for those who were here when I needed them and never let me down. You were and are one of the special ones from that time. 

Aw, thank you Kez.  You are definitely one of the special ones for me, too.  We saw eachother through a lot.  I know I can never repay those who helped me.  All I can do is try to pay it forward by offering my help where ever I can.

I feel the same. This site and its people kept me alive and not so scared and alone. Life has taken some crazy twists but now that I've signed back in I hope maybe I can offer help and support and maybe some humor like the old days but a bit stronger in this area of my life. 

I will I'll be back soon for now this girl is curling up clicking on an audiobook and ready for friends tomorrow unless we get buried with snow overnight. When I get used to the site I will find the PM's and catch up a little bit with you, are their many of the old gang still hanging around? 

Nightmare again losing my wife and daughter on subway and having young gang punks breaking into car of train and shooting me.  It was with blanks and they laughed at me when I recoiled in fear.  Ashamed and embarrassed that I froze in fear instead of fighting them.  "Be a man" one said.  

Heart is pounding.  I hope I didn't yell and wake anyone up here.

That's a horrible dream, Kevin.  I know the nightmare scene all too well.  I often dream that something is happening to Derek and I can't stop it; for whatever reason I'm unable to move to defend him. 

You ARE a man, Kevin.  A courageous one.  Freezing up in your dream isn't something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.  Dreams aren't reality.  I know that in real life, I would ALWAYS fight to the death to defend Derek or anyone else who was in danger.  My dreams don't know that.  I think the same thing is happening in your dreams - they aren't following what you would really do.

Even if it WAS reality, recoiling in fear as someone very convincingly goes through the motions of shooting you, is certainly not evidence of cowardice.  Rather, it's evidence of humanity - we're not cut out to die.  We don't like it.  We want to avoid it. 

I hope tomorrow goes well for you.  I'll be in your pocket, and thinking of and praying for you.

Be safe.

Thank you Jenn

I made it therapy yesterday.  It was ok but we are still learning about trusting her still so when she asked about having the parts inside speak to her and when she asked if I wanted to get rid of the parts there was a huge reaction within.  Sigh...she is still learning and so are we. I hope you are doing well.  No more blood being coughed up so that is a relief.  Lots of dreams last night again.  Take care Jen

I am glad you made it to therapy.  It's hard, building trust.  But it is work worth doing.  I am also glad there is no more blood being coughed up.  That's a scary symptom.

I'm sorry about the dreams.  It's not fair that you have to deal with stuff even in your sleep.

I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.  I know you can continue to be amazing.

Be safe my friend.

Trigger Warning:  please read only if you are in an ok place.  I understand if you can't read or say anything right now.  I know you have your own hurts from your life and that it may be hard right now.

More blood got me to go back to doctor for a ct scan and nodules were seen on right lung which appear benign.  Night before last several thousand dollars were wrung up on my debit card in fraud charges of phone purchases, airline and bus tickets, French wine and all kinds of other purchases by a person or people in the southern USA.  Fortunately my bank is covering the fraud.  It has happened a lot lately the bank said to me.  Went to therapy last afternoon and the part of me that controls inside, is very angry and is super critical of me came out.  I am so embarrassed and hopeless this night.  Just awoke from a dream of something bad that happened to me in real time when I was little and then in dream I hung myself at the church.  I hate me.  I really do feel bad about running to you again with this all but feel spinning out of control again.  I can't talk to my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't believe in inside parts of me.  Just pray, please, if it is ok with you.